Details Within Situations

There are some days I wonder what the hell I'm doing that I made it so far into a situation, and have absolutely no clue where I am inside whatever-it-is in the first place. Things seem to get out of control when enough attention isn't paid even if you didn't realize how important the situation was.

Today is one of those days.

I look at my children, fresh off the school bus wearing smiles and juice stained clothing, and I don't even know what to say to them besides "holy cow it's good to see you."

We discuss school. H got an Accelerated Reader Certificate with a funky little ribbon and got to do hand puppets at the AR party. J didn't meet his AR points goal to go to the party, but picked up 2 more points anyways today. Good kid!

Before I go any further, there's something I have to type. My husband moved out of the house for good this past Monday after eleven years together. This was very much overdue and he was the one that did what I couldn't. He ripped off the band aid and now it's time to "just keep swimming" to quote a favorite movie of mine.

All right, that's out of the way.

I mean, that's typed now. I have to try not to go back and erase it. That's not a denial thing I just don't like sharing my feelings very much and that's pretty damn personal to boot. Like I said a separation was long overdue.

On we go!

So we're discussing school and J says "Well I can tell Daddy....WOOPS don't say 'Daddy'!"

WOAH! Houston....?

So I ask him, "Why can't you say Daddy?"

"Because it makes me think about him, and I don't really want to."

Come to find out he had gone in to school the day after his Dad left--yesterday--and told his teacher that his Dad had been crying right before he left, and that he wasn't sure why he did leave. His teacher informed J that it was not his fault that his dad left and that his dad still loves him very much.

Now fellow Mothers can hear me loud and clear on this one I am sure. My eight year old son didn't ask ME why he left and didn't talk to ME about what he was thinking. I didn't push the issue the night of, as I didn't have the capacity to talk about it right then. I think I made a selfish mistake there.

See, M told me he was leaving, and then was out the door within fifteen minutes. Nobody had a chance to really talk. This happened out of the blue and very fast for those of us still at the house. It was my request that he "talk" to the kids before he left but in hindsight I should have let him talk to them on his own I suppose. At a time when forming a legible sentence would have been easier. But therein lies another problem with our broken marriage, why was it up to just me to tell our children why Daddy wasn't going to to be living with us anymore? I digress.

I am thankful to J's teacher for telling him exactly the truth about the whole thing. I'll see her tomorrow at our meeting and you bet I'll thank her then.

J saying what he did opened my eyes to a problem I have in communicating. Apparently he has the same problem. Children learn by example, don't they?

This situation isn't going to go away and my kids have a right to know everything they want to about it. Details that will probably make me cry yet again though I have to try to hold it together enough for their sake.

Did I catch it on time? Did the details of this situation that will affect the rest of our lives somehow escape before I realized how important they really were? Has so much time gone on with us living like it was all okay--when it really wasn't--that I can't pull my kids back from going somewhere I never wanted them to be?

I just don't know. And I can't stand that! They have to deal with things in their own way and be allowed the freedom to do that, but I can't stomach thinking that I could have done more. Not when it comes to my kids.

So after this is typed, I'll sit down with them and we'll talk things over. Whatever they need to say or ask. I'll unplug my phone and shut off the radio or TV or whatever is making that ruckus I hear. I can't lose sight of this situation. These kids have names, they have personalities, opinions, voices.

I need to listen to those voices before they stop talking to me.