My Life-Changing Experience

Well, there is really no pride in writing this story about my past. Let me first begin by saying how ashamed and disappointed in myself. I not only let down the people I loved but also myself. For that, I am disgusted.  However, I hope than anyone and everyone who reads this will be impacted not make the same mistake as I have. I am a man who follows God and I try to live by his principles. I endeavor to have his wisdom. It was once said to me, "He who learns from his mistakes has knowledge. He who learns from the mistakes of others has wisdom."  My prayer is that the readers of this writing will excercise wisdom.
Allow me to give a brief background of myself and my relationship that I will be using as an example. I am a small town boy raised in a good home and raised in church. Like every sheltered kid whose parents are protecting them, I wanted to live my own life and after my 18th birthday, learned a new life. This new life of drugs, alcohol, sex, violence, guns, gangs, and rebellion, was addicting, but also humiliating. In September of 06', I had my fill. I walked away from all of it and decided to attend a small Bible school outside of houston. Here at this safe haven of refuge, I found myself and developed a new relationship with God and grew close to him. I realized that although I had walked away from "the life," I still had many of the same cravings from that old life. I struggled through most of the year in dealing with a strong tobacco addiction and an embarassing sex drive. The tobacco was not as much a concern as my sex cravings. I was not actively involved, but the thoughts and cravings where controlling me.
With that being said, allow me to proceed. In December, I met her. For the sake of protecting her identity, we will affectionately call her "L."  L and myself hit it off great. I was perfect for her and she perfect for me. We attended the school christmas banquet together and she even came to my home on Christmas day to surprise me. She was incredible and I was stunned she would choose someone as "scarred" as me. She was a virgin, never drank, never smoked, never really done anything and fresh out of highschool. She was 18 and in a new world and I was 20 and had already gain the world and lost it. We began dating officially on Dec 23rd and we were so excited. But I was still a guy. We spent christmas break on the phone missing each other except for a short visit in between. We couldnt wait to go back to school in January and see each other.
And then I turned into me. I had an offer extended to me. An offer I should of refused. An offer that destroyed me. A young woman, a good girl who struggled like I did, said the right things and I eventually fell into temptation. I cheated and had sex with her. Just less than two weeks after I began dating L. It was the first day back from break. So I had to see L that same day and I began to live a lie. I covered it up for a while and all the time I felt guilty. But I knew I would never tell her. Around valentines, I began to fall hard for L. I started to forget about my mistake. And ironically, the girl I cheated with moved on and began a new relationship. So it was all about me and L. I began to fall in Love. Thats right love. I believe with all my heart she did too. We spent spring break together. I sang to her on our anniversary. We shared dreams, visions, intimate details. We lived love.
Then on mar 22, everything changed. The girl I cheated with felt that L should know. So out of the blue she told her. Everything. And in an instant L was gone. She left me.  She began to hate me. It was a thursday right before lunch. I remember the day before she wrote me a note saying how special I was to her and she wouldnt leave me. This particular Thursday morning, we woke up as usual and met in the Dining Hall for coffee and I remember telling her how special she was to me.  Then in an instant it was ripped away from me.
And I could blame no one but me. My stupid sex drive. Who know? It broke her heart, but it broke mine even more. It was late March and I was suffering now for a mistake I made in the first week of January. I hated myself. I freaked out
I shut down. I lost 11 pounds in 2 weeks after because I refused to eat. I hurt to see her in class or see her on the sidewalk. I was angry at the girl who I cheated with, I was mad at L for not listening or giving me a second chance, I was mad at God, and mad at myself.
Then God got ahold of me. I spent three solid weeks doing everything in my power to restore it. I was miserable. And I spent days and nights crying out to God. He finally answered as I was holding open a door at Church on a Sunday morning on April 22. God told me that i had basically given 3 weeks to myself to fix this situation, now in return I should give him 3 weeks. So I did. For twenty one days I commited this situation to God. At first, I prayed to have her back. This wasnt wrong, but as I began to get closer to God, my heart changed. I began to pray for strength, peace, patience, and for His perfect will, not mine, be done. In about a week I had beat my depression. I found myself a couple of times moping around, but i resolved that.
I still miss L. I still Love her. Although I hurt her and her family, my family, her friends and mine, staff members at the school, and effected many other people, I had to forgive her. There is a familiar saying: Actions speak louder than words. I think this is the most true statement ever. I remember telling L that I loved her and she said that to me. But it is true for me, then it is true for everyone. If its true in negative then it is true for positve. She also never told me the words, "I love you," and she reminds me of that. But she lived her love to me and he actions spoke louder than her words. But I do not blame her for any of her mistakes, especially since my single act of unfaithfulness lead to her mistakes.  I want more than anything to have her back and fully intend to wait for her. I believe she is it for me. But I cannot fix this and I humbly back out of the way and give this to God. If it to be restored, and I hope it is, it must completely be God. I have put my faith in him. I rest and trust in him. It is impossible for me to fix it. I have done everything I know and it wont work. I ask that my feelings be removed if it isnt what I am supposed to want, but they are still here. So God will do something. Maybe she will never take me back. I have come to grips with that. But I have to also forgive myself. My guilt and shame ruined me. I thought about suicide, thought about running away, anything negative. God forgave me the instant I asked forgiveness. He is God. It's his nature. Maybe time heals all wounds and L will forgive me completely one day. Maybe not. But I must forgive myself everyday. It will be 7 weeks on thursday may 17th and everyday I fall more in love with her. But that means every day my desire to be with her must be subject to my desire to please God. God is first. Seek ye FIRST his righteousness, then these things will be added.  And if she isnt the one for me, thats fine, because  I want to be so dedicated to God I dont care. But although I'm waiting for her, I'm not focused on her anymore.
If you have cheated and you have been caught, the first thing you must do, is repent. Then realize you, the Person of YOU, cannot fix it. Live in constant prayer. Get drenched in God's grace. His grace is sufficient...for anything. Do not allow yourself to become depressed or desperate. Live in his love and grace. The same plans God had for my life were still there once the dust settle. Just because I made the mistake, God didnt say " I wish you hadnt of done that cause I was gonna use you do bla bla bla." Fall into the arms of God. Depend soley on him. Man/woman wont always forgive or love you. Love, whether friendship love or relationship love, is supposed to be unconditional. That means regardless of the condition of what happens, inspite of what you did to, inspite of how badly you hurt me, I love you and forgive just because. No strings attached. God's love is that simple. Man or womans isnt that. And remember, some people feel that because they dont say the words, they are excused, yet you still feel the hurt from them showing love to you at some point. Do not put your hope in love. You may wake up one day and it is gone. Instead, hope in God. Enter his rest.
As for me, I will never quit. Ever. I dont know how to quit. God wont quit on me so I refuse to quit on him. He loves me whether L and her family do or not. As far as L and I go, we have talked 2x since. She says she forgives me and wants to be my friend, but actions say otherwise. I love her, unconditionally, but I cant rely on her returning my love. I pray for her, I pray for me, and I give this to God. I will wait for as long as God allows. She is worth the wait. She is amazing, ha, when she doesnt hate you.  All sarcasm and jokes aside, she is someone worth giving to God. She is that valuable. And I want her happy, even if its not with me. When I'm with her...I'm home.

Thank you for reading. I hope you learn from my past mistakes. Believe in me and pray for me as I continue to wait for L and depend on God and say no to my desires and yes to His. God bless all the readers.