Decontructing Porn

Our TV comes in via satellite courtesy of Dish Network. I myself do not watch much TV. I’ll watch movies, Court TV and A&E, an occasional Food Network or Fine Living Channel show, and that’s about it. We popped extra for the dish package that is called “America’s Top 180,” as this is the only way my husband could get the Golf Channel. God forbid if he couldn’t chase the Tiger even if it were only on TV. The rest of the one hundred and seventy nine channels is a lot of programming if you’re not a TV watcher. I couldn’t even tell you all of the channels we have at our disposal.

In this particular package, we get The Movie Channel networks. Although there are seven of them, I can never seem to find a movie worth viewing when I’m in the mood to watch one. While channel surfing in that direction one early morning, I happened upon a soft porn movie. (Later on, I found out TMC often airs soft porn movies at this time, from 5:00 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. Eastern time.)

Now I’m not a prude, and graphic violence repulses me far more than porn ever would. Besides, this isn’t what I’d consider graphic porn. Women aren’t degraded. It’s just sex, and lots of it, with a minimal amount of plot twists. Women are undressed yes, but you never see any “interesting” male body parts. There also aren’t any close ups of genitalia, so it’s pretty tame stuff.

I usually sit at the counter with my coffee and occasional banana for breakfast and check out a few minutes of frolicking young bodies before heading off to work. Better that than watching Matt Lauer schmooze with Meredith Viera – that phony love fest is gross out city! Being my age and my gender, I can watch writhing naked bodies without a resultant overwhelming urge to jump my husband’s bones. In other words, watching porn doesn’t make me hot. Reading Anais Nin makes me hot; this, my friends, is just TV.

Sometimes I’ve pondered the deeper aspects of these movies, and how totally unrealistic porn movies are. Situations are out of the ordinary. For example, “Voyeur’s Sex Club” is about a group of attractive twenty and thirty somethings who stalk unsuspecting friends and neighbors and take photos of the trysts on the sly. They then meet once a week and swap stories and pictures, before pairing off with each other. Another unlikely scenario played out in “The Sex Spa” involved two massage therapists trying to break free from their current spa situation to start their own business. In the meantime, they perform beyond the boundaries of a regular masseuse in order to get the start up money for their venture.

What planet are these people from? First of all, I don’t have any friends like these. Secondly, with the exception of once happening upon a couple doing the deed in Germany, I’ve never stumbled upon anyone having actual sex in public. This includes regular hetero couples as well as gay. (I’m inserting a disclaimer here that I’ve led a pretty sheltered and abnormally boring life. Maybe it’s ME who’s out of the ordinary.) I’ve seen plenty of pawing and heavy necking and have been involved in such on occasion myself, but I’ve never witnessed other people’s intercourse, much less the kind of wild sex you see on the screen. I can imagine watching others having sex is not a pretty sight. I know it’s not when I’m having it.

I like to think of myself as on the outside of the normal range, meaning I like fun but not kinky. Changing positions can be fun. However, I don’t think I can manage the kind of gymnastic moves that most porn stars can accomplish, and with ease. If I were to attempt such double-jointed pretzel twisting, I would fall off my husband or off the bed. That’s if I don’t put my back out first, or strain a muscle.

It’s amusing to me that after all the up and down and heavy breathing and moaning, the man and woman (or woman and woman) are never sweaty or gasping for breath. There appears to be no exchange of body fluids, and no fluids at all! I don’t know about you, but after a rousing round, the first thing I want is a nice hot shower. Don’t get in my way as I run to the bathroom. Of course, first I have to catch my breath before I struggle to get out of bed.

Women in porn are abnormally busty. I’m pretty sure most are surgically enhanced. Being a woman, I can tell a real breast from a fake silicon boob. I’ve seen plenty, and I have two of my own. Real breasts are soft and squishy, and gravity tends to draw them to the earth’s core when a woman lies down. Fake boobs are perennially perky and perfectly round. They stand at attention even if you’re on your back – hell, they’d stand at attention if the woman were upside down.

While I’m at it, porn stars tend to have the tiniest waistlines. How do they do that? I’ve never had a tiny waist, except in my dreams. Tiny waistlines make for a perfect body with which to wear thong underwear. I own thong underwear, and most people (husband included) know I consider thongs to be celebratory underwear, not manufactured for everyday comfort. Besides, I look like a sow when I wear a thong. Does it really matter? Thongs are flung off these women (and me) quicker than the blink of an eye. Men don’t see them; they’re only concentrating on the area underneath. If the porn star is wearing a garter get up, the man just works around it. I’ve also worn garters, back in the day before panty hose. They’re not comfortable and look stupid. If I were to appear at my bedroom door in that get-up my husband would start laughing hysterically and likely not stop. Now there’s a damper in an otherwise erotic moment.

Modern porn actresses also have no pubic hair. The hair is either shaved completely off, or shaved into a small, nicely rectangular shape. People, this is not natural. I must have missed the memo that was passed around informing all that shaving your pubes is The Thing To Do. Putting sharp objects such as scissors and stainless steel blades near my pubic area is not tops on my list of things to do. The same goes for hot wax. Besides, I’m at the age when my hair is thinning all over my body. I haven’t had the need to shave my legs in years. In a couple more years, I’ll probably be hairless in that area as well.

Now for the men: for some reason, soft porn never shows the entire male member. Either camera shots are artfully arranged, or the area is soft focused. Here again, I don’t get it. What is wrong with showing a penis every now and then? It’s perfectly fine to see a guy’s ass, but not a frontal shot? I’m curious. Most men have penises. I know my husband does. If I could see a porn penis once in a while, maybe I could be convinced of the acting. When a man’s penis is chopped off on celluloid, the entire sex scenario as a reality falls to the wayside.

Speaking of which, I like to see if the angles of man and woman coincide with what would be really possible in the world of physics if the two were copulating in the flesh. Most of the time, I conclude that they’re just “acting” and no real penetration is taking place. A woman can’t hop onto a guy and straddle his chest and have him really inside her. Included in my observations are the cases of oral sex. The actresses’ heads are never where they should be. No one gags. Also, there are never any bodily secretions at all. Sex is messy, folks. Sometimes it’s really messy.

Actually, how real could it be? These guys can go at it, and at it, and at it. Energizer Bunny comes to mind. Can any real man alive sustain that kind of activity for that long without heart failure? The ads for Viagra and Cialis tell me that most men probably cannot. Can any non-porn woman have that kind of continuous bouncy sex, without suffering from serious chafing?

Having sex in different locations is also pretty unbelievable. Oh yes, I often drive by a huge southern Californian estate and see people engaging in sex on the lawn – yeah, right. I believe real people have sex outside, but they probably don’t do it next to an interstate highway. Office sex is far more likely, but it’s never pleasant. Being passionate on a desk might result with a pencil ending up where the sun doesn’t shine. Orgasms are tough with people in the office next door. You’d have to keep your passion in check if you wanted to keep a secret, because if you let loose and let it out, everyone would know. Office sex is a huge gamble anyway; there’s never a tissue when you need one. These people make office sex seem like a picnic in the park.

Porn stars also tend to have incredible names. I know they’re just trying to hide out from Grandma in Peoria or their boss from the day job, but wouldn’t you think of a better name than Jezebel Bond, Syren or Dick Smothers Jr.? Porn stars also star together in other movies, often in the same roles, only different clothes. It appears to be one big happy family.

Obviously I’ve spent too much time deconstructing porn. I need to find something else to do with my time in the morning.