I Never Thought

I Never Thought

This is my country.

Right in front of my eyes
The green; the sun; the calm.

I’ve ruined it all.

Right in front of my eyes
The riots; the anger; the fear

If only I’d have stopped.
I was too determined. No.
I was desperate.

Desperate to undo my brother’s work.
Desperate to make my mark.
Desperate to prove myself: the first female monarch.
Desperate to divert the succession: my sister won’t be next.

Thought without action is regrettable
But action without thought is foolish.

Too desperate to think
Too desperate to pause
Too desperate to analyse.

I looked at my country
But I didn’t see it.
I heard your cry
But didn’t listen.

I took too long to choose my council
And even then I didn’t listen.
Only to a few with the same bias.
They agreed with me: we were wrong.
We overestimated your loyalty.

I dragged you all
Into somebody else’s war.
I lost our territory and your lives
And all for a man; a husband
Who never loved me anyway.

I wasted time and energy
Waiting for a child; an heir.
An heir that was never to be.

I couldn’t control the chaos I caused.
I wrote nonsense laws
Based on a respect for convention
That was never there.
I didn’t even notice it was missing.

I made Martyrs of my enemies.

I never thought.

This is my country.

The grass is dying
The sun blackened
And the calm destroyed.

I’ve tainted my country.