Snoopy

Snoopy


The windshield wipers on our big black ford clat
Tered to and fro in a furious attempt to keep the snow off the iced over windshield .The noise they made was a muted clack clack that tended to fray the nerves of my partner and I as we traveled through what could only be considered a blizzard of frosty white powder .The road was a barely visible white blur on a landscape gone completely devoid of any distinguishing charachteristics .The hour was late and we still had two more hours of knuckle biting travel yet to go to arrive at our destination Now what you ask would send two responsible males into such a predicament as this .Well that would be snoopy my friends. Confused I shall explain We were a rare and somewhat suspicious breed of men known as winter steelhead fisherman .(also known by our wives as crazy SOBs) Now for those of you who wouldn’t know a steelhead from say any other fish that swims in the vast oceans of our humble little planet .The steelhead is a seagoing rainbow trout it hatches from an egg and heads to the ocean to forage for food and to travel the jagged coasts of our cold northern oceans only to return a few years later to spawn in the river where they were hatched .it is this part of the steelheads life where crazed somewhat mentally disturbed men and a few women come to intercept the steelheads mission of procreation .With Rod and tackle frozen appendages wet clothing miserable weather conditions and oh yea lots of money they come from all walks of life for the humbling experience of hooking into one of the finest sportfish in the world .That concludes our brief lesson about the Steelhead .Now winter steelhead fisherman are a tough and gamey lot and obviously are a hardbitten grizzled partially hungover group of fish savy individuals .Generally this is the Modus apperandi of the steelhead fisherperson .Now of this fairly exclusive group and very small portion of the nations population there are a group of us who Laugh off the normal challenges of fishing for steelhead in the winter which can be any of the following .Falling into a just above freezing fast moving river .after just slipping off an icy slime covered boulder while attempting to jerk your lure out of the tree you just cast into is your basic hazard .Your more complex hazards are attempting to launch your driftboat at three oclock in the morning surrounded by a bunch of half drunk grizzled shortempered men who didn’t wake up early enough to be first on the river While remembering you forgot you thermos of rich black coffee and the only thing you brought for lunch was the half eaten bag of trail mix you left in the boat on the previous trip two cases of beer and half a fifth of bad scotch .These are some of the basic hazards of fishing I wont go into the bad ones as this may enable some overeager dogooders to stand on our riverbanks with sleeveless coats and driving padded trucks

Anyway I digress back ,to the group of us that laugh off such simple hazards .Now as everyone knows fishing comes with its braggarts and liars and worse, those that almost tell the truth .Somewhere back in the mists of time or about ten years ago a few professional fishing guides got into a mild argument about who was the best at fishing for winter steelhead .Now what I mean by mild is there was hardly any bloodshed and no loss of life or appendages always a good outcome when discussing who the best fisherperson is. They decide to create a tournament but a tournament incomparable to all other fishing tournament thus was created The Snoopy tournament. The rules and how the name of the tournament came about I will explain .The conversation that happened that day was witnessed by few however rumors spread and someone leaked the information .Meaning they got roaring drunk and told everyone they Knew I may have some of my facts incorrect as they have been diluted by many drunken ramblings and even worse it was a story told by steelhead fisherman .
Now at your local major discount stores such as mega mart and letter mart you can go to there fishing section and purchase a little fishing pole, closed face reel combo kit for your little son or daughter the pole is about 24 inches long with a cute little colored reel with a white plastic button that you push while casting your pole thus releasing line and lure into the body of water you desire .These tiny little copies of fishing poles come in packages marketed towards kids and usually have a theme it could be Barbie for you daughter or the power rangers for your super hero son and yes the venerable snoopy and the gang .The great thing about these poles is they come complete with line in the reel and tiny little hooks and are all the same except for there particular theme The best thing is they come sealed in a hard adult proof plastic. This is the weapon of choice and as it happens the only kind of –pole and reel used in the snoopy tournament .all of which must be unwrapped from the package at the start of the tournament and before witnesses ten to twelve being about the minimum steelheaders being a generally suspect and untrustworthy lot . Now the morning of the tournament all contenders will have divided up into four man teams and have argued about which boat they got to ride in and who has to row and who brought beer there is a lot of bantering and chatter about what so and so did at the bar the night before and how he should have stayed in bed as he had no chance of ever never ever catching a _______ing steelhead .Friendly banter aside the tournament master generally the only sober person in attendace announces the rules Using your Snoopy rod or Barbie pole and line supplied by only the manufacturer You may use any bait or lure or style of standard steelheading procedure IE float fishing or drifting to hook a steelhead .Once the steelhead is firmly on the line every team boat and person is responsible for one thing preventing the landing of said hooked fish by any means necessary with exception of pushing one into the river I mean we are crazy but not that crazy .The winner will be decided by the largest legal fish boated and tagged that day .The catch must be witnessed by everyone including two guys passed out on the floor of the bar where the tournament party was thrown .Well maybe not those two but everyone else damn it .
Now for this particular tournament for which my partner and I were now risking life limb and the blood pressure of our insurance agents find ourselves traveling through a viscous blizzard was being held the day after Christmas in a remote frigid iced over area of Washington state called the Olympic rainforest or just the Peninsula The river will not be named as this may cause my fellow fisherpersons to overlook the no bloodshed no death code we live by .It just happened to be the coldest winter in recent memory .When we arrived at the hotel the parking lot was iced over and looked a lot like a dirty lumpy hockey rink .The compacted snow and ice must have been a good three inches thick and the blizzard was still roaring away .It did not bode well that in less than seven hours we would be participating in our crazy tournament on a river just a half mile away in a boat already filling with snow and ice .This required drinking much to much drinking
Crazy loud incessant ringing startled me out of my alcohol fevered dreams of being crowned world champion steelheader and overlord of all my grumpy discheveled slightly odorous fellow fisherpersons .What the hell it was the wakeup call already after only what seemed like seconds of sleep and worse yet in the middle of the night .My partner Randbald looked like a trophy winner at a skid row beauty contest and why the hell does my mouth taste this way Stumbled to the phone and sent it crashing to the floor with the impunity of those whose heads may have been affected by the quiet little party we had recently attended ( No officer those are not my friends I just stopped by for a nightcap) .Groaning loudly and pulling myself into a half stoop I shuffled to the bathroom wishing I were dead and wondering if life was worth living after what may have been 17 shots of Tequilla .It was Snoopy day. time for men of stamina and stature to select the best of themselves in a challenge against man nature and fish .Poetry was never my strongsuit I wondered in my befuddled head .It was time to get dressed as I blearily stared at the clock while randbald was busily and ineffectually trying to put on his insulated pants while apparently trying to hold up the wall of the hotel .I began to don layer after layer of warm clothing and hoping against hope that I had brought enough to wear .As I applied more and more layers of clothing I began to sweat I could feel it trickling into areas you truly want to avoid especially when in about ten minutes you would be outside in frigid cold weather that would make a polar bear seek shelter .Freezing sweat not good but it has to be done .Finally all layers are complete boots on ready to open the door .A blast of freezing arctic like air punches you in the face as you step out into a white winter land tinged by frosty moonlight .You breathe deep clearing your lungs of tequila fumes and hoping that you wont have to pee anytime soon .I now was fully dressed I looked like a large red balloon with arms and legs I had so many layers of clothes on that my movement was restricted to a stiff walk roughly approximating that of a pudgy overdressed frankenstein with a hangover ta da. Randbald didn’t look any better than he had upon waking but he was surveying the boat to assess the snow levels and whether or not we might sink I leaned against the boat hanging my head wearily and wondering about sanity and why it had left me. When a dented slightly battered jeep wagonneer came sliding into the parking lot at an alarming rate of speed and a frighteningly loud unmuffled roar .Oh god I will never drink again I prayed the litanany of steelheaders everywhere .It was Chad and Shane Our team for the day Now I had been fishing all my life for steelhead and was confident as this was my first invitation to the tournament Randbald hadn’t fished the tourney either he was a landlubber who had just moved up from Vegas and had learned all he knew about steelheading from me and the boys .Shane and Chad were the epitome of steelheaders everywhere they were half brothers and didn’t look anything alike Chad was a mild mannered lanky fellow with glasses a shock of unruly brown hair while Shane was tall and muscular with roman features and a penchant for borrowing things and not returning them. Both were dressed in steelheader chic IE shabby and mostly waterproof .They were in my estimation fine steelheaders and almost tolerable company .We loaded up in the big black ford and with a minimum of slightly acidic male banter were off to the river for what looked like a promising day for frostbite and mayhem .
We stood around the river bank pumping hot coffee into our veins and stamping our feet to keep them from freezing .It was time, the tournament was about to start you could feel it as the cold crisp air cleared your head of the remnants of last nights get together and the planning and strategy began to become more noisy and heated .Plans were laid teams assigned particular jobs to there partners and the jovial banter began to take on a life of its own .Catcalls and hoots and hollers and empty threats were tossed about like casual indecent conversation .Smiles began to appear as it was announced that the Snoopy was underway .
Now as I explained the rules earlier in the tournament and the equipment we were to use and something of the nature of steelhead .I forgot to mention exactly what the challenge was .The little rods we were using were designed to catch maybe a small trout or panfish by a young child. We were going after one of North Americas Premiere sportfish and the particular river we were fishing had steelhead ranging from 5 pounds to 25 pounds typically .Hooking into a steelhead was a bit like grabbing onto the equivalent of an aquatic missile The steelhead was fury and speed that resided in swift rocky bottomed snag filled frigid waters Upon feeling the first pierce of a hook the steelhead became an acrobatic juggernaut whos sole mission was to escape in any way it could Leaping and rolling twisting and turning combined with a surreal cunning for slipping under snags and into rocks that easily tested the finest in terminal tackle .It was this wondrous creature we snoopy contenders were now in pursuit of with our five dollar toy poles and what some would call less than premium fishing line .The challenge went beyond even that for the madness of steelheaders knows no bounds we were also compelled by rule and chest swelling crazy desire to thwart any of our adversarys attempts at landing one of these tough beautiful creatures created by what could only be divinity .Whoa I need to stop drinking .If one were to gaze up the river from a quiet location on the river musing over nothing more serious than what was for lunch while enjoying a peaceful day of fishing and solitude and happened to see our tournament in action One would be startled to say the least at the flotilla of aluminum and fiberglass drift boats the wildly gestulating riotous fisherman descending upon them like doom and merciless as an uncaring IRS agent .I would imagine one would freeze and stare in helpless amazement likened to witnessing a particularly grisly car accident .I was not that fortunate I was riding in the center of a wild chaos of laughing cussing hungover and interesting smelling fishermen with all the noise and catcalls and friendly barbs being yelled at the top of there lungs chasing the elusive steelhead One would have thought no sensible fish would come within a mile of this floating madness but steelhead have instincts that drive them upriver so they come whether they want to or not .So far that day there had been three fish hooked but none having been successfully landed. One of the guides in another boat a loud gruff boisterous type had hooked a fish first thing that morning as other boats crashed into his boat, men frantically stabbed at the mans line with landing net handles and oars and attempted to cut the line with knives and once I swear a guy tried to bite the line ,alas the fish got away .Darn! everyone commiserated with there friend and competitor with a sincerity that was as solid as ghosts and unicorns .laughing at the man as he cursed the first born spawn of us all and put a lifelong voodoo hex of baldness on those of us within hearing .The second fish was hooked by none other than Chad the man sitting right next to me .Now teammates were allowed to hinder the competitors in the other boats as long as there was a verbal promise that the one who hooked the fish transfer all his worldly possessions to the other members in the boat .While we tried to fend off rapidly moving landing net and handles and drift boats crashing into us with teeth jarring force multiple hands trying to grab anything and everything that would cause some type of chaos .The man with the fish would hastily try to reel in fury incarnate with his five dollar pole I must admit Chad was a fine fisherman and he was gamely trying to reel in the fish he had hooked and Randbald was doing his best to maneuver the boat downriver whilst I fended off the rabid madmen who were attempting to kill us Shane was in the back of the boat practicing what I believe was the finest tapestry of cursing I had ever witnessed The loud snapping of cheap line suddenly silenced the cacophony for a brief second Then with renewed Vigor and loud boisterous swelling of voices the catcalls and insults recomensed Chad hung his head in bitter defeat I attempted to comfort him by immediately returning to my fishing .The weather at this point had gone from bad to just downright nasty we were surrounded by psychotic fishermen and a snow so thick visibility was a mere 50 yards or so .I had recently lost all contact with my feet and hands and was no longer even attempting to stay warm I was only hoping nothing important would fall off when I finally thawed out .The third fish of the day was a real feat of river combat I had a front row seat but fortunately our boat was not involved as we had pulled slightly ahead of the pack the four of us sat in mute amazement and watched the circus before us unfold like people who paid admission for such things .A guide named bobby had hooked into a a nice silvery specimen on his power rangers pole and the usual chaos insued but bobby being what some would call the craziest SOB on the planet had leaned over the side of the driftboat bent over at the waste he had his hands and hence the pole plunged into the frigid water and was attempting to reel in the incredibly acrobatic fish he had hooked .He was taking no chances on the fish but I kept thinking to myself he wont ever use his hands again because they were going to freeze and fall off .He grimly kept at it Bob the guide who had earlier lost a fish and was still quietly steaming and promising retribution put his boat on collision course to neatly intersect bobbys boat amidships basically he was gonna teebone there ass with a shuddering crash and the squeal of stressed and frozen aluminum the two boats made contact bobby was going over the side I could see his head entering the frigid water when one of his teammates crashed into his rapidly disappearing legs and stopped his eminent full body encounter with the icy river .Another teammate grabbed bobbys legs and together the two men heaved his butt back fully on board and alas fish and pole were now lost to the river and again the rounds of threats and the vows of bodily harm recommensed Poor bobby His head was freezing right before our vary eyes and worse yet without his pole he couldn’t win the tournament TOBAD! My eyes bleed for you ha ha .After many frozen and fruitless hours of dedicated snoopy fishing no one had as yet landed a fish and the boat launch was just around the bend arrival at said launch would officially end the tourney .Now the flotilla had quited down and anchored up in a quiet wide spot in the river most of the men at this time were merely praying for the end of there misery a heated truck cab and possibly the return of feeling to there appendages .A few grimly determined individuals were still fishing including randbald who had spent most of the day rowing the boat and very little time fishing .The boat rower or captain slash oar bitch had a thankless job and got less fishing time than the rest so typically the weakest fisherman was put on this job in the boat therby increasing the odds that the better fishermen would miraculously catch a steelhead Randbald had gotten a nice pink Barbie pole in the random grab for packages earlier that morning a pink pole that induced quite a few comments into his sexual propensitys and whether or not he remembered his skirt .Quite suddenly Randbalds vibrant chartreuse green float disappeared under water and with a jerk the battle was on. Now it may have helped that everyone was at anchor and that late in the day most guys were wishing they were somewhere else but the flotilla was slow to respond and the crashing boats and net handles and flailing filet knives were not in attendance yet .The shout by Shane Yelling “FISH ON!”brought the slumbering beast back to full chaotic motion Anchors were being pulled in so fast only being wet and frozen kept the ropes from self immolation .Net handles were being raised and the rabid shouts of frozen psychotic fisherman were in full throated roar .Meanwhile randbald was doing everything in his power to reel in the somewhat subdued fish while fending off the advice of his three teammates all screaming different commands to anyone that would listen I grabbed the net carefully remembering to put it in net first not handle first .Jealosy was my middle name I was confounded and conflicted I was to be Steelhead overlord not the guy from vegas who five years before had never even seen a steelhead .randbald always had luck on his side he was just that kind of guy stoic solid self effacing and lucky as the devil Damn Him !The fish he hooked must have been charmed because it came rocketing out of the depths an into the net which I quickly jerked free of the water thrashing silvery fury enmeshed and landed .An angry howl went up from the now fully aroused flotilla from hell ,A steelhead had been landed and they were not in time to destroy the chance and bragging right s that were now randbalds for the next year Gods it would merciless hearing the recounts of the story The condescending insults into our parentage lineage and ability to bait a hook .Granted there was still a hundred yards of water but alas the light had begun to fade and the frosty landscape began to darken and we knew there was victor and vanquished and all that was left besides humiliation was the chance to do it over again next year .