Dear Oscar

Dear Oscar,

Please listen to my heart....

I've lived my life more beautifully fulfilled, I've grown more then I ever have and at an old 35, I have the gray hairs to show for it.

If my life has been happy and fulfilled since we've been apart, then why did I get the gray hairs? I've been happier, more at peace...

But, I guess I've also been, more scared, more unsure, more stressed, more sad then I've ever been and I have the gray hairs to show for it.

I'm taking a motorcycle class today. I'm going to learn to ride and learn to soar.

Do I want you back?

I love you, always have and believe I always will.

You were not forgiving, you were resentful, manipulative and disguised yourself as a genuine person to me... but you weren't .

You were kind, energetic, loving,

You were selfish and shallow.

You were strong and mine...

You were absent and silently abusive. Guess it was meant to be over.

I love you Oscar. I always have and always will.
I wish you could see how much, I wish you could feel it,
embrace it and appreciate it... but you don't. You never have.
You didn't see me, only focusing on who you wanted me to be.
You had an infectious laugh and a gentle soul.
I love you.

You had an ignoring love and an empty hand, offering me your shell,
but I wanted your heart .

I mistreated you. I was angry.
I was sad and alone.
I felt unaccepted and unworthy.
When I was around you, I was only the sum of all my weakness.
When I was around you, I was lost in my faults.

In my eyes you were beautiful.
In my heart you captured all my love.
In my life you were my everything.
Leaving me with not enough of me...

My mistakes were more then your shortcomings.

I blamed you for not holding me but I should have held myself.
I see everything now. Perspective, hindsight, a curse? Perhaps.
The nature of people to take for granted, is everyone's mistake.
Yours and mine and now we both go on alone in this truth of our story.
I love you, please know.
I love you and now I'll go....

She makes me laugh, she accepts my faults and laughs at her own.
She sings with me, explores every angle and disturbs the uncertainties.
She takes care of my love.
She trusts my voice and listens.
She breathes me in and mends my scars..

I know now why you couldn't be this same way...
because I wasn't the me that I am now.
I am me now.
I wish you knew me.
You'd like me, maybe?
Like me, respect me, maybe?

I am kind, warm, glowing, deep, strong, courageous and much more, but you are forever my weakness, forever my pain.

The ultimate pain came from the fact that you believed I'd never leave, allowing you to treat me the way you wanted... but I left.
My heart couldn't take any more.