Routine Self Therapy

Author note:The typos, bad grammar, and whatever else falls within the tyranny of proper grammar that often destroys the impact of the ideas within the writing, were left in on purpose.The way it is written was on purpose.We are dealing with bi polar and the construct of thought patterns manic or otherwise..


I am at a point where i need to realistically go over my mental health and decide whether to end a marriage , and change directions, and most likely spend my life alone so no one has to live with my fucked up chemical imbalance.

So a series of questions and the answers.

What led up to your diagnosis?

I remember always feeling the outsider. And it is true i am often stranger than the rest. I had and have trouble relating to people and the craziness of this planet. I had a lot of anger , frustration, isolating myself, very shy.

I have dealt with depression since i was about eleven. I was also able to think about a lot of things at once and at a high speed. As i got older is started to turn into a blur.
I had a hard time finishing things, unrealistic expectations. Intelligent but a lot of times over peoples head as i learned really early (12 yrs old)how fucked the world is. It is so simple to fix but we make it so hard on purpose. So that fucked with my head.

I always felt that something was wrong. And i read a lot about it. No one would listen.
I self medicated for years. Huge amounts of every drug and alcohol you could imagine. I functioned for years , i should of been dead.

Around 25 years of age i walked out of work one day bought a blade went into the woods and cut myself. Damn blade was not worth a shit so through it in the woods, laughed and called 911. Next thing you know 2 firetrucks 4 cop cars 3 ambulances. I walked up and told them this was overkill. I had snapped out of the dying thing and finally got help. Five hours later i was out of the mental ward with a sheet of paper with someone to talk to , smiling, happy , because finally i had proof , no one could tell me it was all in my head.

The next day i talked to someone , got lithium and was on my way, almost.

How did you feel when you were told?

I was happy it now had a face and a name and she told me something important , shit i felt guilt over, the weird life the hurting others. She said that was not you that did those things. It was a warped version of you unable to even know that how you were acting was wrong somehow.. I felt a little scared. But relieved i was right that there was something wrong and now i could do something.

So i drank and did to many drugs again after i moved and ran out. I broke down and went for help and almost died because of a dumb doctor.

How do you feel now? How are you different? Is the medication helping? What are the challenges you still face?

Okay a doctor thought because i had hep c that lithium would hurt me. So for seven years i isolated myself, drank all the time. Got out of that got a job, met my wife, married, had mutual alcohol , tried to kill each other , got out of that ,but i was unable to feel at times, i sat for day staring into space, no one supported me at this time.Got into speed, slowed down had a kid. But i was in a manic phase for 3 monthes, tons of speed because it helped. Finally i got lithium again, then she got into the speed and for two years it was a lot of drugs her cheating on me, my kid with my parents, trying to get her out of it before she died or ended up a whore or in jail. I got her out of the drugs then she spent four years lying to me , two boyfriends, never seeing my daughter and me, using friends to keep me out and as a weapon. Always a drama even until lately.

But you see the lithium works so well i do not want to drink or do drugs. I had years of getting myself better with no help, in fact i dealt with ignorance and people telling me i want to be this way. She fucked with my heart and head then blamed me for the stress kicking the bi polar up. But you see recently i agreed to a divorce she now doesn't want, i told her i could not be her friend because of how she treats me. And i felt calm for the first time in years. I got rid of the poison.Now she wants to get back together. i have to walk away. IF i think just lithium without life changes is the answer i am lying to myself and will not survive.
My challenges getting back into the workforce, before meds i could not.Getting out of my parents house. Being together enough to be a good dad, my biggest challenge is my own fear.

Where do i see myself headed? Who do you see yourself as being right now?

I see myself headed into the direction of knowing my lithium is working, and as long as i monitor myself truthfully.,I will get a job and a place and keep it . I will become a better dad, i will continue to overcome everything, honestly most people would be dead if they went through all the shit i have since i was 12.

Who am i now/ That is what i am finding out and what i am re creating. I lost myself in addiction, bi polar disorder and drowning in my wife trying to save her ass(i did and she repaid me by moving in some abusive felon on my birthday an being an asshole. and four years of bullshit) i am not drowning now.

In what ways are you the same person as always?

I still love art, music, sex, the female form, rain, reading, writing. I still belive in loyalty and honesty in my own life, i still believe you do not use people, hold grudges, wasting time with games. All the things i believe and did for others no matter how bad i was left for dead, i never left the one i cared the most about for dead just like i promised my daughter i would. i still know i am strange but i embrace it instead of try to hide. I am who i am , don't like it leave....

So i am thinking i am going to live alone for the rest of my life except for my daughter on my days to have her, stay friends with my wife, hope she finds someone good. The face is she is not supportive and causes too much stess and that is not good for either one of us. I do not know what the bi polar will do and i want to spare her or any other woman and my kid seeing me fight this war. Sacrificing myself again. You know , when is it my turn to have good things happen ,shit i do what is right and i have nothing. She ,her friends lie, cheat, betray fuck up and they have people falling all over themselves to give them money,affection, sex, a car, etc.

Karma is a bitch i should know.
Bitter sometimes about how the bi polar stole my ability to function , but i am lucky i can start over and make it count.