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Rated: 13+ · Fiction · Comedy · #1232978
A domestic row between between man and his missus in the 12th century
Saturday morning. Little John is outside his hovel, chopping up logs and looking unhappy. Suddenly, his wife appears…

Olga: (In a threatening growl) Muffin-cakes!

John: (Flinching) Yes, Dumpling?

Olga: ( Marching over and planting a hard kiss on his cheek) You haven’t forgotten what you’re doing today, have you?

John: ( Bleary eyed from a late night in the fields with the boys) Errrrrrm….er….milking Daisy? ( points to the scraggliest, most pathetic goat in the whole of England. That is incidentally male).

Olga: No!

John: Ermm…..buying some seeds?…getting Dobbin shod?...errrrrm….( desperate now)…going to market…

Olga: You’re going to pick up my mother!

John: What! I mean…oh yes

Olga: Yes, she’s coming to stay for a while, to help me out

John: Um…how long is she…( falls silent at vicious look from his wife)

Olga: She’s staying for 3 weeks.

John: ( Quietly) Oh, great...that’s all I need

Olga: What was that!

John: Nothing Dumpling, nothing!

Olga: It didn’t sound like nothing! (stalks over to him and pokes him in the chest) And this time, you’d better be nice to her!

John: ( Eyes rolling, grinding teeth) I’m always nice to her! ( quietly) It’s you I don’t like!

Olga: What! Nice? Nice? Don’t think I’ve forgotten what happened last time?

John: What? I…I…I didn’t do anything!

Olga: You pushed her down a well!

John: You can’t prove...I mean, no I didn’t!

Olga: You pushed my mother…down a fifteen foot well…

John: That was an accident!

Olga: A helpless old lady!

John: She was carrying a battle axe! She tripped!

Olga: She always warned me about marrying a man like you!

John: Huh ( spluttering in incomprehension and fear at the fast faced mood changes)

Olga: She always said I could have married that carpenter… Dewi Williams but no, I had to marry the artist…

John: Oh for the love of ( goes back to chopping wood)

Olga: I could have been rolling in turnips…he has his own cart and a pond and everything!

John: ( turning around ) We’re doing OK!

Olga: Ha! You don’t even own your own hovel!

John: Lots of people have a mortgage these days!

Olga: And I’ve had 8 of your children!

John: Yes…

Olga: 8 of your children…and slaved to raise them, and …speaking of the kids, have you seen them lately?

John: Which one?

Olga: The tall one…errrrm…Tom

John: Nah, he’s working in the fields same as the others

Olga: Yes, my only boy!Thank God he didn’t take after his father

John: No

Olga: He doesn’t look like you either, thank god!

John: ( pondering now) No,…he doesn’t…blonde hair…not many in the village have hair that blonde…

Olga: Thank god the girls are starting to get married, I don’t know what we’d do if we had to feed all of them!

John: Only Dewi Williams has hair that blonde…

Olga: ( hastily interrupting ) So, are you going to leave me then?

John: ( look of hope and happiness in his face for a second) What was that?

Olga: Are you going down the Tavern again tonight? To be with that Robin and his merry men?

John: Oh, er...yes, I was planning on…

Olga: Leaving your poor wife and daughters…

John: It’s only for an hour…

Olga: While you consort and have fun…

John: It’s serious work!

Olga: In that Tavern! With that foriegn wench Sophia

John: ( pauses and gets a dopey happy look on his face for a brief second, then shakes himself) She’s from Wales!

Olga: Introducing foriegn muck and witchcraft into our village!

John: It’s a Tapas bar!

Olga: And…(checks the sun)…oh my god, you’re late to pick up mother!

John: Oh, er, better go then. ( hurries away from hovel towards scraggy horse)

Olga: Standing here chatting to me and wasting time! Go, quickly! Go on! ( walks away

John: ( sighs and saddles up Dobbin. ) Come on mate…lets go and pick up the old battle axe…and try and find a well on the way back.
© Copyright 2007 LilyChantelle (joannafaye at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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