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Thoughts during an emotional time |
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CARP Just spent one of the longest days of my life trying to figure out why someone who supposedly loves me can expect me to watch him destroy himself. I also don't understand how he can't understand why I feel the way I do about it. Carp is in Chestnut Ridge hospital going through detox because of his alchol abuse. After a major 2 week binge of drinking, pills and not eating he tryed to cold turkey and ended up having a major seizure. Thank God I had gotten home right before it happened because if I hadn't Jacob would have been here by himself. Luckily Jacob who is just 6 had just left the house when the man who he considers his dad started convulsing. It scared the hell out of me so I can't even imagine what it would have done to the little guy. So now the man that I have spent the last 3 yrs. with is lieing in a hospital bed fighting for his life. I have no idea how he is or anything because the hospital won't tell me anything because we aren't married. I have to wait for him to get well enough to call me before I will know anything. That is if he wants to talk to me. I after all called the ambulance and made him go to the hospital against his wishes. He stayed on his own but I don't know if he is really committed to staying sober. I do know that if he doesn't stop then I am going to leave him and the home that we have worked so hard and long for. I can not go through this again. I won't go through this again. I am not going to sit by and watch him kill himself. I am not going to let him destroy me or Jacob in the end. |
| So much has happened. I hardly know where to begin. So this will probably be a work in progress for a long time. But then again, writing it all down might just be what I need to do for myself. Call it therapy. I just wish that I had taken the time to get everything down as it was happening. In my last installment I told how Carp was in the hospital. He was put into Rehab by the Judge. He stayed there for about 2 weeks. Because he didn't have the money to pay once he had gone through detox he was sent home. Through out the time that he was going through treatment I dealt with a lot of emotions. The first day I actually started to make plans of leaving him. I was going to let him have the trailer, pack up all of my and Jacob's stuff and just go. I don't know where but I was going. I told his family and friends that I was going to leave him. Other then his best friend calling drunk to ask who was going to pay Carp's, nobody said anything. In the end I decided to stay. I had always told him that I would be there for him if he decided to try to quit drinking. I went to a family counseling session, and a meeting with his counselor before I decided to stay. I took a journal and wrote to him my feelings and expectations. I read this at the meeting and left it with him when I left. Kim |
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