The Diary of Jeremy Part 3

July 1

I’m dying of thirst and having hallucinations. I can see Chewbacca in the distance…he’s naked…he’s thrusting in my direction…I can see a bright light…could it be heaven? No, wait, it’s just the sun.

July 13

I was apparently found in the middle of the Australian outback, almost dead from thirst and hunger. I have eaten most of my diary and my chess pieces. The person who found me and rescued me has been fined £1,000,000.

July 14

Eugene pointed and laughed at me for getting lost in Australia. I poked him in the face, but I hurt my finger and had to go and see the nurse. Luckily, Eugene and Jessica are no longer going out. Apparently, she had cataracts and couldn’t see properly – she thought Eugene was somebody attractive, not a big-haired, ugly geek that he is. She is now going out with Malcolm. Eugene and I are very upset.

July 15

My father needs a kidney transplant. Well, I can’t give him one. I only have one kidney left – Bruce surgically removed my other one when I was thirteen for a science presentation at school.

July 18

Lawrence’s parents have abandoned him! They say they are tired of his geeky attitude and have moved out of the house, giving him £30 to look after himself for the rest of the year. He rushed out to quickly buy the new Dungeons and Dragons book.

July 19

We had the exams today. We all crammed into the hall and sat behind our desks. Bruce was on one side and Terence was in front of me. I already didn’t like the seating arrangements. Bruce hit me with his table and blamed it on major muscle spasms. When we got out test papers, Bruce leaned over, grabbed mine and turned it into a paper aeroplane. He launched it. It got wedged up Ronald’s nose and he started crying. Mr Clogg told Bruce off, but Bruce simply claimed that the ‘muscle spasms were getting worse’.
    The questions were fiendishly difficult. How am I supposed to know about electricity flow? Bruce was electrocuting me in that lesson. And I certainly don’t know the molecular structure of carbon, that was the lesson when I sat on a Bunsen burner and caused a fire. I looked at Bruce’s work, but he had only drawn a picture of a geek (looking suspiciously like me) being hung from a tree. Herbert was on the other side of me. He also looked as confused as I did. Probably because he had endured much suffering during the lessons as well, and had learned nothing.
    Then everything started happening at once. Terence was sick everywhere; Bruce punched Terence; the sick started spraying again; Eugene tried to look cool in front of Jessica by punching Terence, but he ended up breaking his wrist; an ambulance was phoned; Ronald started crying, saying his father would beat him horribly if he got bad marks on the test; Malcolm kicked Lawrence so hard in the groin he turned yellow; Herbert tried to rub Lawrence’s groin better; everyone called them gay; Terence looked like he might be sick again, so I placed a hand over his mouth, but he was sick out of his nostrils; Mr Clogg pulled himself away from Mrs Crumplebunt to tell us we had all failed our exams for talking; somebody piled loads of tables on top of Ronald; a paper aeroplane got stuck in my eye and I had a nose bleed everywhere, the ambulance tore through the school hall and ran Gerbert over multiple times. The paramedics got out and apologised, saying they had been hoping to get me. Gerbert said that when he became ruler of the world, his wrath would be greater than usual. Bruce punched Gerbert. Virtually everyone was rushed to hospital. I got in the ambulance as well, but I was pushed into a canal with weights around my ankles.
   
July 20

School has ended, for ever! We celebrated this momentous occasion by throwing eggs. Well, actually, everyone threw eggs at me, Herbert, Lawrence, Eugene and Ronald. One accidentally landed in Ronald’s mouth and he choked on it. His father arrived and hit his back until he was okay. Then he bent him over and started spanking his bottom was being such ‘a worthless, spineless geek’. I saw Fergus congratulating his nephew, Bruce. Gavin came to clap Malcolm on the back, and then proceeded to bum Eugene. Jack arrested him for being gay. Herbert’s parents were there, and even Lawrence’s parents came back for a brief period to congratulate their son. My father never showed up. I later found out he was dead. I later found out from a more reliable source (i.e. someone other than Eugene) that he was just horribly drunk.

July 21

Leroy seems to be quite hot in his thick woolly coat. I think I shall shear him. I will have to use hedge trimmers, though, because I don’t have any proper shearers.

Update: I accidentally cut off Leroy’s ears.

Update: Leroy kicked me so hard in my stomach that my intestines have twisted around themselves. I ran to hospital, but after catching sight of the snipers on the roof, I decided I was fine.

July 22

I am in agony.

July 23

Bruce said that being hung upside down would stop my agony. It hasn’t. It has made things worse. My intestines have now become entangled around my lungs, and the blood has gathered in my skull.

July 24

I have decided to get a job. I sent a few job applications. I’m quite proud of myself. If I became rich and famous before Eugene, Jessica will definitely prefer me, even though rumour has it that Jessica went to ‘third base’ with Malcolm last night. What is ‘third base’? I asked Lawrence. He said it probably has something to do with baseball. Herbert said it sounded more like it belonged in cricket. I looked it up in the dictionary. When I realised Leroy had eaten my dictionary, I gave up. I am assuming that ‘third base’ is something completely innocent and non-sexual.

July 25

My job applications were reposted. I hadn’t put any address or stamps on them. The people at the post office weren’t impressed.

July 26

I have reposted all my applications with the correct addresses and stamps. And I have found out what third base is. I am shocked and appalled that Jessica would do something like that with somebody other than me. When I asked her why she would do something like that, she poked me in the eye. I think my eyeball has been pushed back into my skull. Deciding that the hospital was probably not the best place to go, I went to the opticians. When pointing to my disfigured eye, I accidentally poked myself again. I pushed my eye further back into my head and got my finger stuck there.

July 27

I got a letter from someone today, saying I was ill equipped to be a zoo keeper.

Dear Jeremy Geekson,
                                    I regret to inform you that cannot just stroll into the zoo and feed the animals as your application said, and I’m afraid that I cannot offer you a job here at the zoo at this time. For one thing, due to an incident that you and various other of your classmates caused a few months ago, the zoo has been closed down for quite a while. Many of the animals have still not been rounded up, and some of the students are still aimlessly wandering the zoo in a confused and rather ragged state.
    Your CV stated that you got As in every subject, yet I know for a fact that you have not yet had your results back. You also claim to be a pleasant, hard-working, humorous person. I beg to differ. Nor are you adaptable, strong or good-looking, which you also claim to be. I have no doubt that you have kept various pets in the past, but after doing some thorough research, I have learned that the sheep that you are (illegally) keeping in your back garden has been attacked by some hedge trimmers, and that the snake you cared for was left to roam the house, and nearly bit several people. A closer look at your records has shown that a large rat infestation (the largest since the bubonic plague incident in the Middle Ages, actually) occurred in your house due to abysmal living conditions.
    Therefore, because of these factors, I regrettably inform you that I cannot give you a place at the zoo now, or ever, in case the animals die or the other zoo keepers commit suicide.

Yours warily,

Mr David Benson

Head Keeper

Oh well, better luck next time, eh? I think I was close to getting it.

July 28

I’ve booked my holiday with Herbert and Lawrence! We’re going to Spain and geeking it up! We’re going to pull some hot girls and go dancing naked on the beach. All without Eugene and Ronald, and also without Bruce! What more could a pathetic geek ask for??

July 29

I have found a job. I am a babysitter. Fergus asked me to look after some of his young nephews whilst he went out and purchased barbed wire to put around his garden (apparently, Lawrence had been sneaking in and posting Dungeons and Dragons rulebooks through Fergus’ door in an attempt to convert the man).
    Let me say, the young kids, Arnold and Derrick, were highly out of control. They gave me the finger and when I tried to restrain me, they poured boiling hot water over me and laughed as I tried to phone for an ambulance, but failing because my finger had melted. Then, they started watching pornography, made Brutus mate with a very scared Lawrence, and when I tried to put them to bed, they head butted me in the groin and I fell backwards down the stairs. It came as no surprise to learn that Arnold and Derrick are Bruce’s younger cousins.
    When Fergus came back, Arnold and Derrick were still running wild, Brutus had been let out of his kennel, there was a scared and naked Lawrence crawling around, the bathroom was flooded, the kitchen was flooded, the dining room was on fire, the garden had been befouled, the living room had been desecrated and someone had made a hole in the floor that Fergus fell into when he walked in. I was shouted at for two hours, given 20p and told to retire from babysitting.

July 30

This babysitting business is hard. Today I had to baby-sit Ronald when Jack went out on a police raid. God, Ronald is such a cry baby, and why does he like Warhammer so much?? I read the list that Jack had left me about how to take care of Ronald:

1.          His bed time is 8:30. Make sure he is in bed by then.
2.          Don’t give him sugar. He gets hyper.
3.          Don’t give him anything geeky. He becomes even geekier and the other officers laugh at me.
4.          Spank him often, and especially before bedtime.
5.          He can watch television for 10 minutes a day only. Any longer, and he falls into a comatose state from the excitement.
6.          He is lactose intolerant. Give him some milk.
7.          He cries often for no apparent reason. Do not comfort him. He is just looking for attention.
8.          Make sure he stretches his penis before bed. If it’s not at least 3 inches by the end of the summer, I’m going to give him the biggest beating of his life.
9.          Make sure Grayham, his invisible friend, is also spanked before bedtime.
10.          Make sure he doesn’t touch my doughnut stash or I’ll throw him off a cliff. The same applies to you!

Ronald started crying when I spanked him, so I let him off and let him stay up until 8:31 because I felt sorry for him. I then I had a long discussion with Grayham. He’s much nicer than Ronald.

July 31

I have been reduced to babysitting pets now. Fergus rushed out to buy a shotgun (I am highly worried), so I had to look after Brutus. I was not happy. Brutus latched on to my genitals and wouldn’t let go for several hours. Fergus came back and gave me 2p. He said he spent all his money on the shotgun. I have decided to retire. 

September 1

What happened to August?? This diary is very inaccurate. Everyone knows August comes before September. Now I have to add my own August in and that will take ages.

Update: I’ve just realised I’ve been writing in my school diary, and it doesn’t have August in it. How annoying.

August 2

I sent a letter back to David Benson, the zookeeper. It said:

Dear Pompous Zookeeper,
                                          Your research was not that thorough. You failed to notice that I also take care of a parrot named Bernard, who is in a healthy condition…actually, on second glance, I realise that Bernard is dead, probably from starvation. I probably shouldn’t be saying that. Now I can’t send you this letter. How annoying.

Yours,

Jeremy

I put the letter down. When I returned to the room, my father had sent it. Wonderful! Now the zookeeper will be even less impressed with me. It’s not my fault Bernard has died, he should learn to take care of himself. I have to take care of myself, what with my hopelessly drunk father.

August 3

Bernard is rotting. There are maggots everywhere. I have hired a maid called Mrs Spruce. She should get the job done quickly and efficiently.

Update: Mrs Spruce was appalled by the house. She was sick at the sight of my bedroom and then refused to clean her own sick up. I had to hire another maid, Mrs Whimple, to clean the sick up.

August 4

Mrs Spruce and Mrs Whimple are repeatedly getting in each other’s way as they scurry around the house. All of a sudden, it is getting very cluttered, especially since my mother has returned. She wouldn’t say why she had returned, only that she had done something in her last pornographic films that was illegal in thirty-five countries.
    I also got a letter from David Benson today. It proclaimed:

Dear Annoying Geek,
                                Stop killing animals! I shall have you arrested! I will make sure you never come within two miles of my zoo.

Yours angrily,

David Benson

Head Keeper

I have decided to keep a low profile. I asked Mrs Whimple to clean up Bernard’s slowly decaying body, but she refused. She said, ‘I won’t touch that mouldy bag of feathers with a ten foot barge pole’. I quickly went out and brought back an eleven foot barge pole. She hit me round the head with it. I was rushed to hospital. The hospital staff were, for once, glad to see me. Apparently, Bruce had gone on holiday, so not as many people were being rushed to hospital.

August 5

Gerbert has left home, I heard. Apparently, Herbert heard him muttering something about ‘weapons of mass destruction’, ‘taking over the world’ and ‘pot noodles’ before he left. The poor guy, he’s probably already lying lifeless in a gutter somewhere.

August 6

I caught Mrs Spruce and Mrs Whimple engaging in sexual activities in my bed, and was forced to fire them. Before she left, Mrs Whimple wrote me a list of things that needed cleaning:

1.          Your bedroom is a disgrace. Disinfect it immediately.
2.          Do something about that wretched sheep, it keeps eating the wallpaper.
3.          Please remove the mouldy porn magazines from beneath your bed.
4.          Please remove the mouldy parrot from beneath your bed.
5.          The oven needs cleaning.
6.          The oven needs scraping.
7.          The oven needs replacing.
8.          The television set has a dead rat inside it.
9.          There is urine on the floor. I know you said it was because you were desperate and that you couldn’t get in the bathroom because your drunken father was lying behind the door, but for heaven’s sake, clean it up! It’s been there for four days!
10.          I do not approve of so many dildos lying around.
11.          Your father is an eyesore. Dispose of him.
12.          The basement is filled to the brim with dead rats. Vultures have started circling your house.
13.          There is semen on the walls in the kitchen. I do not care why it is there, or who deposited it there, but please clean it up.
14.          There is semen on the toilet bowl.
15.          There is semen in the letterbox.
16.          There is semen in the toaster.
17.          There is faeces in several cupboards that has attracted many maggots.
18.          There is a geek called Herbert locked in the airing cupboard. Can you please extract him.
19.          The ambulance in the front garden has a dead body in it.
20.          There is semen on the ambulance.
21.          There is semen on my car.
22.          There is a dead pigeon on your roof. More vultures have started circling.
23.          There is a dead vulture in the garden.
24.          There is semen on the vulture.

I hope that you and your family clean all these things up. Otherwise, you will probably all contract some horrible tropical disease. Thank you.

My mother tore it up, saying she didn’t need a list. She used it to cover a semen stain.

August 7

Me, Herbert and Lawrence set off on our geeky holiday today. We landed in Spain with only minimal casualties (Herbert accidentally got packed into the luggage compartment because he was carrying such a big backpack that he actually looked like a backpack), and immediately discovered something horrific.
    By some remarkable coincidence, Bruce is also holidaying in Spain for a week! I can’t believe our luck! He grabbed a metal detector and rammed it up my rear end, where it keeps bleeping – it must have detected the innumerable metal objects that Bruce has made me eat over the years. It bleeped so much that I rushed myself to hospital to have it removed. Whilst they were at it, the kind surgeons also removed a variety of other items in my stomach and intestines, such as, but not limited to: a dictionary, thirteen toy soldiers, a plug socket, a slinky (which had become entangled around my kidneys), a three foot metal pipe, some cutlery, a satellite dish and many bathroom products.

August 8

We have finally discovered our apartment. It’s not very nice. There were drugs and syringes everywhere, as well as a prostitute. However, the living conditions are still better than my wretched house back home. We quickly unpacked and headed down to the beach to build sandcastles. Bruce came and stamped on ours, the bully! I made friends with a boy called Pedro, and he offered to help us defeat Bruce. We are grabbing some spades and about to rush at him.

Update: We accidentally hit each other and Bruce made us eat sand until our internal organs shrivelled up. All four of us are being rushed to hospital.

August 9

The doctors complained that there is now sand everywhere in the hospital. We now need emergency organ transplants. After a while talking about it, the doctor said this:

‘Due to your frail bodily structure, geeky nature and annoying attitude, we have realised that you will all die very soon anyway. Therefore, there is no point in wasting our money and resources to obtain organs just to give to you. My friend in England tells me what a horrible lot you are, and he told me that any effort from me to end your life will probably result in a promotion. Please leave and lie in a road.’

I have decided that Spain is just as bad as England.

August 10

Lawrence tried to go for a swim in the sea today, but a tiny riptide carried him out to sea and hasn’t been seen. I’m assuming that he has drowned. Bruce pushed me off the apartment balcony. I landed on my spine. I think it has embedded myself in my brain. I am being rushed to a mental hospital because of irreparable brain damage.

August 11

The mental hospital isn’t too bad. I get fed regularly, Bruce cannot penetrate it, and I am given drugs frequently. The downsides include wearing a straight jacket all the time (making going to the toilet and self-pleasure extremely difficult) and not being allowed to watch Star Wars whenever I want. When I tried to put my DVD in, some people rushed over and tranquilised me. Herbert came to visit me. He told me that Lawrence had been found floating around the Atlantic Ocean by an oil tanker, and is being taken back to England.

August 12

My father phoned up today. He said:

‘Well, you’ve gotten yourself in a mess, haven’t you? Ended up in a mental hospital, from what I have heard. I’ve turned your basement into a bar (at this point, I made a loud, uncontrollable sound that nearly made the carers throw me back into my padded cell), since The Horse’s Kidney has closed down because, apparently, an alien spaceship crash landed into it. I asked some odd grey guy named Kevin what had really happened, and he said, ‘Uh…oh…yes, darn teenagers with their primitive propelled explosives…erm…I mean, fireworks. Definitely not the work of an alien crash landing. And I’m sure if there was one, the alien is question certainly wouldn’t have accidentally sat on the ‘Plummet’ button instead of pressing the ‘Destroy without any conceivable evidence of existence’ button. No alien would be stupid enough to do that, hehe…’ What an odd person he was!
    ‘Anyway, things at home are alright. Your mother have vanished again, Leroy has eaten my underpants, and Ronald has ran away from home and is staying here, but all he does is cry, even when the vultures aren’t trying to peck his eyes out. Other good news: I am sober and have been for four day. I think I’ve made a fresh start!’

It took me a while to figure out what the hell my father was talking about because his speech was horribly slurred and he kept hiccupping and bumping into things.

August 22

I’ve not been able to write in my diary for a while because I’ve been forced to wear my straightjacket for over a week for trying to leave. Bruce kindly visited me, but told the mental people that the mens’ toilets was the new kitchen, and three people died as everyone crammed into the tiny room. Somebody tried to put a straightjacket on Bruce, but he punched him in the face.

August 23

Bruce left the front door wide open, and there are now mental people aimlessly wandering the streets of Spain like lost geese. I escaped and rejoined with Herbert. We decided to end our holiday and got a plane back to England. I was tempted to stop by and visit Pierre, but I decided not to after I remembered his father still intended to kill me. Lawrence was waiting in England. He told me so far-fetched story that he had been kidnapped by an alien named Kevin, but he had tripped up and fell on some button that caused the spaceship to nosedive into a pub. That Lawrence can tell some horrid lies when he wants to! Aliens, yeah right! The only aliens that should exist are the ones in Star Wars!

August 24

Leroy has eaten my underpants so I kicked him in the head. He was rushed to the vets. The vet punched me in the face for treating animals so cruelly. I was rushed to hospital. When he saw me, the hospital manager rushed to a cliff top and jumped off it.

August 25

I got my results today! I eagerly ripped open the envelope. It said:

English Language – D (Jeremy wrote a story about a pen, and was the most boring piece of text I have ever seen in my life. I was forced to use crocodile clips to keep my eyes open to read all thirty-seven pages of babble)
English Literature – U (Jeremy could not sit exam because, according to him, Bruce had made him eat the book that they had to revise)
Science – E (I have never seen a person who can get acid in his eyes and then accidentally superglue his goggles to his face so he can’t get to his eyes to remove the acid, and yet Jeremy managed just that)
Music – U (Jeremy got the flute stuck up his nose during the exam and the school was forced to bribe a hell of a lot of people not to sue due to ‘faulty instruments’, even when it was Jeremy’s fault he got it stuck there. Therefore, I refused to mark his exam)
Design and Technology – F (Jeremy mistook my hand for a piece of wood and filed it into oblivion, which is why he is receiving an F)
French – E (Despite being on a French exchange trip, Jeremy still only managed to translate three words, and I suspect that was accidental)
Maths – D (Jeremy has proven, that even equipped with a calculator, he cannot perform simple sums)
IT – U (Jeremy was not allowed to sit the exam because he had already broken fifty-five school computer, one of them by pouring fuel into the disc drive to try and make it to faster)
R.E – E (Jeremy has no concept of religion whatsoever and refuses to believe that Star Warsism is not a mainstream religion)
P.E – Z (Jeremy frequently does the following in P.E:: hits himself in the head with the basketball; gets entangled in the basketball net; picks up the ball during football and runs with it; collapses on the race track after running five metres; impales himself on the javelin; drops a shot-put ball on his head; trips over his own head whilst running; gets entangled in his P.E clothes whilst getting changed; locks himself in the changing room; gets his penis stuck in the shower; gets his penis stuck in his zip; gets a golf ball stuck up his anus; scores fifteen own goals in the space of three minutes; breaks a bone whilst having a shower; almost drowns in the shower; almost drowns in the toilet; loses his underpants on the football pitch; strangles himself with the referee whistle; breaks his spine using the vaulting horse; becomes paralysed doing gymnastics; tears a ligament doing warm-up activities, and he also often gets folded away along with the ping pong tables. In all my fifty-seven years of life, I have never seen somebody who does such things on a regular basis (although Lawrence comes close), and am therefore giving him a brand new grade: Z)
Cooking – U (Jeremy burned down my cooking lab, the little bastard!)

I wisely decided not to show my parents.

August 26

I picked the only college that would permit me entry with my abysmal exam results. Thankfully, Herbert and Lawrence got equally atrocious marks (mainly because similar bad experiences happened to them during the exams), but so did Eugene and Ronald. Bruce didn’t even take most of his exams, so he had to go to the crappy college as well (he said nobody would give him a job because of his father had robbed £23 million and had been arrested). When Bruce told me his father had hidden the £23 million, I decided to search for it. Equipped with my trusty spade, I dug holes in my garden in search of it, but was forced to stop when Leroy head butted me into one of my holes and I landed on my nose. I phoned for an ambulance. The paramedics rushed over and piled earth on top of me.

August 27

I’m still buried underground. I’m surviving by sucking air through a straw and eating earthworms. 

August 28

Herbert dug me up today in his search for Bruce’s father’s £23 million. I got hit in the head with a spade as he dug, and an excited Herbert thought I was a chest of money. When he realised it was me, he tossed me aside (with effort, of course, because he is a weakling), and I was forced to crawl to the phone and call 999. It was engaged.

August 29

I’m not happy about the fact the basement has been turned into a bar. Whenever I go down (weaving my way through loud, brawling, drunken people) and ask my father, the bartender, for my Star Wars DVDs, he always gives me an alcoholic beverage and charges for me. I have started a local campaign to get my basement back. So far, I have two signatures – my own, and Leroy’s. Then Leroy ate the piece of paper. I am in a very depressed state – perhaps I should just admit that my life is almost as bad as Ronald’s.

August 30

I saw Jessica for the first time in ages today. I asked her out. She kicked me so hard in the groin that my testicles have retracted into my body, and are now floating around somewhere in my abdomen. I was in so much pain that I hobbled to the hospital. They threw me off the hospital roof. By some sheer coincidence that will probably never happen again, I landed in a truck full of feathers and survived.

August 31

I asked Jessica to massage my groin. Bruce responded by grabbing me, cramming me into an oven and turning the temperature on full. My pen has melted. I’m using my own melting flesh to write.

Update: My father thought something smelled nice and opened the oven. I tumbled out, about a minute away from dying. The doctors were highly disappointed when they found out. They advised my father to lock me in a liquid nitrogen container for a few days to balance it out.

September 1

Ah, my first day of college. It was very eventful. First, I shall describe the college. It is extremely dirty and dingy. The buildings are crumbling, the classrooms are tiny, the bathrooms are infested with cockroaches and looked like they haven’t been flushed in two years (I later found out it was actually three years), the lights don’t work, the vending machines don’t work, the lift is stuck somewhere between the first and second floor, the canteen is filled with insects and the car park is filled with burning wreckages, old tyres and several gypsies. I don’t actually know what the college is called, since the original sign was long ago replaced with one that says, ‘St Craphole College’. I can see why they offered me a place here.
    Hebert, Lawrence and I quickly found a room we could call our own before Eugene and Ronald could. Speaking of Eugene and Ronald, I spotted them talking to a spectacled, geeky-looking person in the canteen. I learned his name was Duncan. Well, if they think they can recruit him into their little pathetic group of misfits, they can think again.

September 2

Duncan has been recruited in Eugene and Ronald’s gang. My attempts to woo him failed when I was kidnapped by one of the gypsies.

September 3

It turns out Mr Clogg was sacked at my old school for copulating with Mrs Crumplebunt in front of an assembly. St Craphole was the only college that would offer him a place. He teaches one of my lessons, though we had trouble getting into the classroom because of its miniscule size (I later found out it had once been a toilet cubicle). It took us three hours to get all twenty students into the tiny classroom (by which time everyone else had gone home), and then Terence was sick everywhere, and everyone nearly drowned.

September 4

Bruce stuffed me into a vending machine today. Duncan looked longingly at Bruce and asked him if he could be his friend. Bruce stuffed Duncan into the place where you collect your change from. When we were both rescued, Duncan looked highly pleased with himself. He said, ‘Gosh, isn’t Bruce marvellous! Much better than Eugene and Ronald. It must be fun to stuff people into vending machines’. He tried to shove me back into the vending machine, but ended up cramming himself in by accident.

September 5

Today can only be described as the unluckiest day of my life. I will have to take you through it slowly:

7:00 a.m: Woke up. Thought it was 9.am. Ran downstairs at unadvisably high speeds and tripped. Fell into the front door and got head stuck in the letterbox.

7:30 a.m: Got a mouthful of letters from the postman. They sliced my tongue, and I bled everywhere.

7:45 a.m: Was freed from the letterbox. Got shouted at for covering the letters in blood. Had a wash and brushed my teeth. Swallowed my toothbrush by accident.

8:00 a.m: Tried to get dressed at the top of the stairs. Lost balance and tumbled down the stairs. Fell into the front door and got head stuck in the letterbox.

8:10 a.m: Was freed from the letterbox again. Wolfed down my breakfast. Choked on a large cornflake. My mother thumped me on the back. The cornflake flew out of my mouth and landed in my father’s. He started choking. He was rushed to hospital.

8:15 a.m: Started to run to bus stop. Realised I had to take an animal into college for a biology presentation. Ran back to house and grabbed Leroy. Started to drag him to the bus stop.

8:30 a.m: Ran in front of the bus to stop it. Got ran over by bus.

9:45 a.m: Ran to college, dragging Leroy. Was shouted at for being so late. Bruce punched me in the stomach so hard that I soiled myself.

10:00 a.m: Leroy pooed in the canteen. The dinner ladies scooped it up and served it, pretending it was chocolate cake.

11:00 a.m: Bought some chocolate cake for lunch.

11:15 a.m: Was sick everywhere. The dinner ladies scooped it up and served it, pretending it was soggy Weetabix.

11:20 a.m: Felt hungry so I bought some Weetabix.

11:30 a.m: Bruce shut me, Herbert, Lawrence, Eugene, Ronald, Duncan, Leroy and Terence into a locker. The results were painful. Somebody elbowed me in the eye and Terence was sick up my nose. I think it has travelled up into my brain.

11:45 a.m: Was freed from locker.

11:46 a.m: Was crammed back into locker again.

12:15 p.m: Did my presentation on Leroy. Leroy was very uncooperative and ate my aid sheets. Tried to restrain him, but failed miserably. Lawrence tried to grab Leroy, but missed and flew through an open window, falling three stories. He was rushed to hospital.

12:30 p.m: Bruce used Fluffy the snake to strangle me.

12:45 p.m: Presentations continued. Bruce had brought Brutus in. Brutus savaged me horribly. Brutus was named ‘a menace to the world’ and a vet was phoned so he could be put down.

1:00 p.m: Vet tried to put me down instead.

2:00 p.m: Vet gave me lethal injection. Was rushed to hospital.

2:10 p.m: Ambulance broke down. Tow truck was phoned.

2:15 p.m: Tow truck broke down. Paramedics started carrying me to hospital.

2:30 p.m: Paramedics stopped for a cup of coffee.

3:00 p.m: Hospital manager said there was nothing wrong with me. Fell down an elevator shaft. Hospital manager committed suicide by jumping off the roof of the hospital. He landed on my back and broke it. I was rushed back inside the hospital. The vice manager committed suicide.

3:30 p.m: Returned to college in time to catch the bus. Bus driver wasn’t happy about letting Leroy on board. Leroy defecated everywhere.

4:30 p.m: Got home. Ran upstairs, but fell and tumbled backwards. Fell into the front door and got head stuck in the letterbox.

5:00 p.m: Father saw me stuck in the letterbox and went berserk.

6:00 p.m: Was finally freed from the letterbox. Tried to do my homework, but accidentally ingested my pen. Had tea, but my father hit me on the back as I was eating and accidentally swallowed the fork. Starting to get worried that there are too many sharp and unnatural objects in my stomach.

6:30 p.m: Tried to hoover up but accidentally hovered my father’s genitals. He hit me over the head with the hoover.

8:00 p.m: Did some skipping, but tripped over the rope and smashed my face on the floor.

8:10 p.m: Decided to go to bed to end my horrible day. Missed the bed. Smashed my face on the floor.

10:00 p.m: Had a horrible nightmare. Rushed to the bathroom. Lost balance and tumbled down the stairs. Fell into the front door and got head stuck in the letterbox.

11:00 p.m: Couldn’t hold it in any longer. Was forced to wet myself.

11:45 p.m: Couldn’t hold it in any longer. Was forced to soil myself.

As you can see, I’ve had better days.

September 6

I slammed a huge dictionary shut on my genitals today. That hurt quite a lot. I was almost rushed to hospital but the paramedics just laughed at me.

September 7

My Film Studies teacher has asked me to make a small film with some of my friends. I recruited Lawrence and Herbert to help me. I decided to make an epic action movie with stunts and explosions. We gathered together our budget (56p) and set to work. The first scene was a high-speed car chase. We couldn’t afford real cars and my dad refused to let me borrow his ambulance, so we made cars out of cardboard. Unfortunately, they became soggy in the rain and Lawrence broke his wrist holding the camera so we were forced to call it a day.

September 8

Duncan thinks he’s Bruce’s best friend, and tried to slap him playfully on the back. Bruce said some obscene words, smashed Duncan’s glasses into his face, and crammed him into the ventilation shaft.

September 9

Our film needs a lot of work. I tried to stop a car in the street and ask them if we could lend their vehicle for our film, but I got run over by thirteen cars, a book van, a tractor, three steamrollers, a bike, a scooter, an old man with a Zimmer frame, an old man without a Zimmer frame, and five ambulances. Lawrence has broken one hundred and fifteen bones simply by holding the camera and Herbert tried to do a stunt on a bike, missed the ramp and ran himself over.

September 10

College is still awful. Bruce made me sit in the urinals, and people paid him to urinate on me, and then they hit me for looking at their genitals. I tried to explain that I had nowhere else to look, but a fresh stream landed in my mouth and I nearly choked.

September 11

I handed my film in today. It got a U-, mainly because someone had swapped it at the last minute for a film of me pleasuring myself whilst humming the Dark Vader theme tune. It turned out the culprit was Eugene, the bastard (Pardon my language). We got into a scuffle in the canteen. Fists were flying everywhere (few of which were actually hitting their target), bones were breaking, food was being tossed around, glasses were being stamped on, eyes were being poked… Eventually, we were too blind to see who won, and I tripped up and smashed my face on the floor.

September 15

I have just been allowed out of hospital. I had to sign a contract that stated I would never, ever visit the hospital again, even if I was in serious peril or if I contracted a rare, life-threatening illness.

September 16

Jessica is a lost cause. I saw her frolicking with a large, brutish boy in the boys’ toilets. I have instead decided to turn my attention towards another attractive female, named Kelly. She seems the likable type, and even better, she likes Star Wars!

September 17

I have decided to join the gym to get toned up so Kelly will like me more. I tried to use a sit up machine, but cracked my back and was stuck in that position until Lawrence came over and rectified my spine.

September 18

Kelly has said she admires people who can recite poetry. I have written a beautiful one about her:

Kelly, you remind me of Chewbacca
But you seem to lack a
Penis
You are also so furry,
And oh so hairy,
‘I love Star Wars,’ you said,
And I want to take you to bed,
And show you a good time,
And, wow, my poem does actually rhyme.

I gave the poem to her. She said she had never seen such waffle in all her life. I gave her a waffle.

September 19

Apparently, we haven’t paid our bills in about a year. The repo man came today and took away our belongings. My bedroom consists of only a bed…oh, no, it is being taken away. I am sitting in my bare bedroom with only the clothes on my back…oh, wait, they are being taken away as well. I am now stark naked.

September 20

We have no money and no food. I have taken to burglary to survive. I tried to hold up a shop and make them give me money. Someone punched me in the face and took my ‘gun’ (a stick of celery) before beating me around the head with it.

September 21

Decided to give the robbery thing one last attempt. I took a water pistol this time (with no water in, because we no longer have any water) and made the shop assistant open the till. I leaned over to grab some money but got my head caught in the till and knocked myself unconscious.

September 22

Fell asleep standing on my head because of my lack of bed.

September 23

My dad is now looking for a job. He has written a list of potential jobs down on a list. Well, I say list, but it only has one job on it: bartender. I don’t think my father would make a very good bartender. He would drink all the alcohol and get very, very drunk.

September 24

I went with my father on a lot of job interviews today. I don’t think any of them went very well…

Bartender – turned up for the interview drunk. Told the interviewer that he was good around drinks. Was kicked out of the door.

Police officer – was arrested because the police officers thought he was a terrorist. Didn’t even get round to the interview.

Shopkeeper – fell unconscious at the door. Blocked the entrance for four hours as people tried to revive him. Fergus came and complained that people can’t handle their drinks like they did in the ‘old days’.

Zookeeper – got drunk with the chimpanzees. He was fed to the lions.

Fighter pilot – staggered in front of the plane as it was taking off and got run over. He was rushed to hospital.

Ambulance driver – used his own ambulance to pick up a wounded person. Left the back door open and the patient rolled out onto the road. He got run over by a steamroller.

Fireman – caused a fire at the interview. Was kicked out of the door.

Builder – got kicked out of the door for trying to fix the door.

Taxi driver – the interviewer looked at my dad’s driving license (which expired 4th August 1992) and decided not to give him the job.

Detective – couldn’t even work out where the interview was. I don’t think he’ll make a very good detective.

Hairdresser – my father has horrible, greasy hair. There’s no hope for him.

Office worker – the door broke, so he got thrown out a window due to his abysmal computing skills. He conveniently landed in a truck full of feathers.

Circus freak – didn’t have any glaring abnormalities, so wasn’t able to become a circus freak. Had to walk sadly out of the office because the dwarves couldn’t pick him up and throw him out.

Looks like I’m going to be living in an empty house for a long time to come…

September 25

My dad has got a job as a lollipop man.

Update: My dad has been fired after he got drunk and collapsed in the middle of the road, holding up traffic for four hours.

September 26

Gerbert was on the news today. He invaded a news station and interrupted the news reporter, who was talking about the increase of hospital staff suicide in the area. Gerbert made sure the camera was on him and said:

‘I address the populace of Planet Earth (I think he didn’t realise this was a highly localised news station). I shall soon conquer the planet and everyone shall bow before me or face my wrath. Hey, you, cameraman, stop laughing at me. I may look a bit like a geek, but I accidentally copied my geeky brother’s genes. I should really look like a rugged, handsome man. I shall tear society apart and kill every world leader should I need to. Now, can someone give me a lift home? I don’t like walking home at night, and I don’t have enough money to catch the bus.’

September 27

Duncan says he fancies Bruce. It spread all over college. Bruce heard about it. Bruce got mad. Bruce tried to calm down by kicking Ronald along the corridor. Bruce got even madder. Bruce slammed a door shut on Duncan’s head multiple times, made him eat my faeces (which he forced out of me by punching me astronomically hard in the stomach) and then pushed him in front of a fast-moving bus. Some paramedics tried to rush Duncan to hospital. Bruce punched them. The paramedics are being rushed to hospital.

September 28

Started sneezing uncontrollably today. I think I’ve become allergic to myself.

September 29

My father has become a porn star. I am very confused as to how this happened, mainly because my father is an ugly, hairy, perpetually drunk specimen of a human being. My father sent me a preview of his days’ work. He did some horrible things to a woman. And I now know I didn’t get my atrociously small penis from my father. That only leaves my mother left…

September 30

My father and mother have started filming ‘Sex Toy Story 5: Revenge of the Vibratatron’ in the basement. It is very disgusting. I phoned Jack up and politely asked him to arrest my parents for their appalling behaviour. He is on his way round now.

Update: Jack has joined in.

Update: The cameramen have joined in. This has become a huge orgy! All the food has been befouled with bodily fluids! Someone is having sex in the toilets. The cameras have long since been discarded.