Questioning Part One

Is there anything in this life that i can't feel is wrong in some way? 

I'm only writing this as an anecdote to the way i've been feeling towards someone i'm sure i could've felt something more than lust with. I guess the way i've been feeling is only masked by something i dont understand. I hardly take the time to believe in my own intelligence and intellect, i let everything take over like i'm some child without some way of beleiving in myself.

I believe in the way i perceive the world and exactly how others erceive me has a profound effect on the way i think. You'd be hard pressed to find me not questioning anything about myself in any way shape or form.

Right now?

I'm questioning my values, my morals and everything that comes with me. I suppose like my girlfriend says – it's programming. Programming i dont always feel ihave to rewrite and recode just to make life more simple. If all we have to do in life is reprogram, recode and recondition the way work than what exactly is the point?

She's bisexual polyamory.

I'm mostly straight, i'll bend at will – but that doesn't generally make me want to admit i'm bisexual either. 'Course it's not like i have a heap of choices in this, i just tend to look and the attraction is there. I dont understand polyamory in theory. It's a problem i have because i'm used to a real time situation where there isnt' anyone else. I can't seem to get my head around the fact that i'm expected to and am inclined to get along with everyone else.

Mostly straight by the way – doesnt mean that i'm physically and biologically male at the moment. This bothers me more than my relationship issues, but i'm working on it. As dickless and nut-less right now as i actually am .. i'm quietly biding my time until i can rectify this issue.

Back to the polyamory issue....

She's got another sweetie, their status is technically nil until such time as my girl decides to go stateside and bypass LA for whoever it is she wants. Fine on the polyamory side of things, she equally wants whoever she has.

But the problem is it's been a month or so since there was “ANYONE ELSE” per se... and the quesitoning of if and when anyone else would come along. Someone else did, they're a sweet girl – but i'm not inclined to want to get in the middle of lesbianism here- - and it's not like my girlfriend is either – but this whole thing does my head in.

Normally i say i'm the child of the group...

But in this instance.. i swear i'm the old fart with a mind as old as dust.

My reasoning behind most of my sayings is because i believe in past lives and what their effect on this life is. Reincarnation isn't just for gods and goddesses – or poor farmers with cows that died seven times. My three best friends, including my girlfriend have had some instances or experiences with reincarnation or “past lives” -- each of them different in many ways.

Though it seems to be that i have no clue about mine, whatsoever – i've had clues and i've had puzzle pieces thrown at me. It seems to be this big deal with everyone that they should know their past – well not everyone. It only seems to be those who believe in the supernatural, the spirits the soul catching the reincarnation, angels and demons.

My real first girlfriend in this life has a few abilites for herself – and she seems to think that using them is detrimental to anybody's cause. But seriously aside, i'm trying to teach her that her abilities aren't going to harm anyone when used properly – trying to tell her that her humanity will stop her from doing anything harmful.

I admit i flipped out a bit last night when i found out there was someone else.  This other person, and it wasn't even considered cheating. Polyamory is quite a chase somedays, when you dont understand it enough to bother with it. I've been told all there is to know about it but it still doesnt seem right with me. I'm fine with her and other people being that way – it's like a respect issue that i refuse to back down with, i can't deny other people's rights to be that way.

and..

then there's the pink one.

The Pink One, yes one of my best friends of course who've been 'reincarnated' as i've been speaking of. Hideto, hide --- pink spider whatever you want to call him, he died once – but he's back again and suprisingly enough i can't change my other feelings for him.  Yet here i sit saying i can't do polyamory very well.

Being that in the past 8 years i've spent trying to be something i know deep down i'm not.. really that screwed with my head. I crawl under the surface trying not to show anything to anyone that doesnt need to know. This being something that includes my own parents, something i hide from them daily. There are times i'm pretty sure that my own mother knows, and that if i ever leaked any information maybe it wont be as scary as i thought.

It's just that when you fall for someone in some way when you still are forced to be something you are not – really does for all intents and purposes screw and fuck up your own mind. I love hide, and i can see myself wanting my girlfriend just as much ..but the difference in what i feel is what i dont understand – that i can love two people in just the same way. Yet the ways are two seperate paths – and when each of them take seperate paths i feel like i'm being pulled apart in several directions.

This pulling apart, is never intentional.

If you analyze the way i work i guess you could probably find a complete answer to everything. In fact most psychiatrists and psychologists have complete answers to everything and everyone they come across. This is why i have bills to pay, and creditors running after me.


This doesn't help my point of view any seeing that slapping names for disorders and mental and behavioural problems is pretty much the game they play. Fine and dandy people have these problems, issues and everything but they are not the cause to any single problem in the world. Well, at least not the ones i've been talking about in this document.