UWW2-Spirtual Writing Prompt # 2

I really do not have a belief system/ faith that I live by. I am a person that does go to church, but lives by the rules of being a good person. I cannot say that I am a Baptist, Christian, Methodist, ect. I take a little from all to make my own little world that I live by.

The relationships that I had in the past was not based on any thing. My first relationship was the bases for the rest. I learned what I liked and did not like out of it (analzing it in many pieces and parts) and went through that one and analzed it afterwards to see what I did not like or liked in it too. I was going through guys to see who I was.

When I started dating, I already went through a bad experience and I did not trust males of any kind. (I was raped by my father and step-father and I am leaving that for another story.) I was one of those girls that used boys and their feelings to get what I wanted. I tried different things on them, like experiments, to see what they would do. Some things I liked and I found out a lot that I did not like, even stuff I would not do that some boys really liked to do.

Then I met a guy. This guy was unlike the others. He went and thought of me first. I could not believe there were guys like this, that put me first and wanted to do what I wanted. He just did not do it at first and then stop but he kept on. We had people getting in the middle of the relationship to mess it up and later they did, but he would sit and listen to my problems.

Even when I was sick, he came over and made me laugh. We had so much good times. Then I moved. I went and found guys that would use me; because I did not want to feel the way I felt when he was around. I found out later that he moved on with his life, so I had to move on with mine. At that time, I did not have all of the information I needed on males, so I dated some more to find out more

I learned that I could fall in love after that very special guy and I learned I could get hurt by one guy and the walk into another man’s arms. I found out that I fell in love, but not that deep love. I think more than infatuation, but less than deep love.

Example of this is...
I was in love with one guy and had two kids with him. Then he picked D & D and his friends over the kids and me. I found or better yet, he found me and did not like what that guy was treating my children and me. So, he took me away from that. I learned this guy that took me from that, is the same type of guy that I now can not get out of my mind.

I married my hero and then had two more kids. I now have three boys and one girl with a great husband that puts me first, but I wonder why my dreams go back to that one guy that introduced me to this type of guy that puts my feelings first????????