CAN YOU IMAGINE: HEART IN CONCRETE

CAN YOU IMAGINE: HEART IN CONCRETE
By Joyceanna

(Doctors- they always blame depression on a “chemical imbalance”)


Can you imagine going through life of hating yourself so much, that you’re so afraid to look in the mirror, or take a shower? You cry and cringe when you accidently see yourself. Then you’re reminded of failure. You want to do something about your weight, but you can’t. Because when you do, your old habits rise up. You try to do it the right way, like eat smaller portions, exercise, but for you, it’s not enough. You start to panic, you starve yourself, binge and purge. Feeling useless all over again. When you don’t lose the weight, then you feel guilty and a failure. You find yourself, once again, stuck in concrete.

Can you imagine you’re too scared to go out; like going to church, to watch children in the nursery, because you feel embarrassed for the way you look? You can only wear sweats, because all of your nice clothes are way too small for you. And you can’t go shopping for new clothes, you’re too embarrassed for it? You’re embarrassed on how big you’ve gotten. Now, you don’t want to go out anymore, even to relatives birthdays, Christmas parties, etc. You feel a great overwhelming feeling to cry and want to disappear. You’re heart is stuck in concrete.

Can you imagine going through life being so scared of yourself, that you can’t let your own husband (that you’ve been married to for 12years) see you totally in the nude? You can’t stand it, if he watches you dress and undress? When you want to please him, making love, the only way you half way feel comfortable is to put a shirt or towel over your stomach, so he wouldn’t see the rows of fat. Even though your husband has been trying to convince you for over 12 years that you’re beautiful, you can’t believe him. How would that make you feel? Your mind is stuck in concrete.

How about seeing your side of your family? Now, you’ve always heard that “family” is supposed to show unconditional love, right? WRONG! That’s not what I was shown. You tried so hard all your life for your mother to want and to love you. She never did.
You tried so hard throughout your life to be like your sister, but failed at it. And you kept asking yourself, “ what’s wrong with being me?” “ why can’t she just love me for me”? “Why was you ever born for”? How would you feel if your sister, (because of your mother) has stolen your birthright? You’re the youngest out of 5 children. You’re suppose to be the baby, the semi-favorite, the spoiled one, right? WRONG! The fourth child is the favorite. And your mother didn’t hide the fact that this sister was indeed her favorite, she showed it deeply. Your mother never wanted you, told you that since you were very small. She always wished that you were never born. Hid the fact, that she was pregnant with you, until she had an accident, then everyone found out. And your grandfather, hated this pregnancy, so he goes home and beats up your grandmother. So, even before you’re born, you weren’t welcomed. And never was. Now, does your heart feel like its in concrete?

Can you imagine your mother hating you so much, that she would always tell you that you’re fat, ugly and stupid? And why can’t you be like your sister? She so perfect. Through your whole life, you’re thinking, “ This is all in your mind, she didn’t really treat you like that, did she?” But, then you have too many people from outside of the family, confirming that you’ve been right all along, and it’s not all in your head. You do wish it was made up all in your head, that way it would have been easier to deal with. And your mother always wondered why you’re so sensitive. I guess she thought that being this cruel to you, would made you a stronger person, but, she was wrong.

Forget about your heart stuck in concrete, it is now sinking into quicksand! This WILL continue…..


THE END!