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Biopic of an abusive relationship |
The hands that were once gentle without warning became violent My heart filled with a desire to be loved by you tried to convince my head Confused, and starved for the affection of a man Partially craving to be desired Partially needing a father At 15 I let you align my existence My mind seemed only to function when trying to figure the facets of you The friends I knew then desired what it appeared that I had The love of an older man If only they had known What lay beneath the Romeo and Juliet façade At 15 I gave myself to you I was completely yours Days and nights spent yearning for you to find pleasure in me A hidden weakness embedded in me You broke me down An infiltration I never expected You possessed me Mind Body I guess that is why I allowed your hands to touch me The love you showed absent then I guess that is why I allowed fear to overwhelm me Afraid to lock your erection on the outside of my mouth On the outside of my body When your hands or your tool were done I remained with you Clinging to the delusion that you loved me The delusion that my connection to you was not one of fear but One of love/one of patience I tried to convince myself that your were misunderstood That you were a misguided soul That you needed me to guide you That no one else could That your rage was only to cover your pain Pain that I felt too just not expressed I felt like one of those women that I had always condemned I had become one of those women that I despised for their weakness I allowed you to take the small part of me that was still trusting The part of me that was still willing to give life a chance I unmasked myself for you Only to have you cause me to close Afraid to open myself to anyone Are you happy? Are you happy to have murdered me? I guess your raping and hitting weren’t enough They didn’t keep you “potent” as you liked to Refer to the effects of a good conquest Telling me that I should thank you “Girl you oughta be thanking me. Shit I taught you how to keep a grown man potent.” In the beginning I never knew when the rage Would glaze over your light brown eyes That used to run over me with desire and longing but By the end of our twisted romance I knew you I knew that you were weak I knew that you were insecure You felt that you had to control me in order to keep my love Your dictatorship never made me love you I realize that now Though there are days when I must convince myself anew Nevertheless I stayed with you Out of fear I saw what you had done I knew what you were capable of doing Yet I tested your tolerance on all levels I tested the waters of your river of rage Panty teasing was never my strong suit I couldn’t use my love to tame you You proved that you could have it involuntarily Reminding me of the occurrence seven years prior The footsteps at the door I thought I could never leave you By 16 I wanted out But goodbye lover were not our parting words The threat on life Prisoner of your hands My back one with the wall The loveless sex The closed eye The knife pressed close to your skin The breakdown of the door that once enclosed our Private den of pleasure Though never what I experienced with others The coin isn’t one sided It actually shows a president and an eagle The eagle that never truly soared with you With your ever powerful “potency” Those are the memories that I carry of our farewell My phone never dials your number My feet never tread your ground My eyes never meet your light browns But I am in your presence continually |