You (tonight)

you used to smile.

i remember that.

when your laugh would roll
forcefully in to empty air
and fill a void
i didn't recognize
as my own.

then you found out the truth.

why did i do this to you?

your fragile tears drowned
every scrap of sanity i had left.
i watched wet creep down your cheeks
glistening, burning
in to the flesh of my hand.

i made you cry.

i did.

and i wondered why you worried about me.
you said you loved me,
you said you didn't want me to hurt myself.
and you made me promise
i wouldn't ever pick up a knife again.

but honey, that wasn't the first lie i've told.

it's not something i can stop.

i had cyanide on my mind
and fire in my hands
and i ran away in a heartbeat
your tears still haunting me
someplace in the back of my head.

i had to get away.

i had to go someplace where no one loved me.

the thoughts that collected
like dust in corners of my souls
slaughtering the last bits of freedom
in to a sea that you swam in
continuously.

and i felt bad about it.

i really did.

but now it's over
cuz darling
tonight i go over space.
tonight i hunger for realism.
tonight i know it's done.