The Beginning

She never thought that she would be in this position….not kneeling with tears streaming down her cheeks, snot dripping from her nose crying like she hadn’t since she was a little girl.  Not because the punishment had been that painful back then but because – she had done wrong. 

She was wrong now ohh so wrong.  In the middle of the jumble of thoughts from how to redeem herself and how to make it through this and accept her punishment but for some reason she kept thinking about how she had gotten here in the first place.

She’d been lonely, so very lonely, none of her personal ads ever panned out they were all losers or as she told one of her friends “idiots with their heads up their asses!”.  She survived in the scene because she loved it and loved the community the openness and the friendships that she had developed, the pain the pleasure……..the forbidden.  Her last relationship just hadn’t worked out there were so many factors that it wasn’t funny and she knew (and was warned) from the beginning that it would fail but she fell in love and got hurt.  Luckily they were still good friends, yeah friends with benefits she remembered the day she finally let go but made him promise that though they would not be together they would always be special to each other till one of them moved on.  That they would always place each other first in their little world but they could not love or at least she couldn’t each other.  He’d spoiled her for all other men.  It had taken her over a year to realize that nobody would ever measure up to him if she didn’t really walk away and give others the chance.  Everyone started somewhere.  She had to realize everyone was different.  Putting things in perspective she realized that she had just been wrapped up, shut down, the lock on the door to all possibilities of moving on because she wanted one thing and in her mind if she didn’t get it it wasn’t worth it.  She thought that she couldn’t trust anyone else to “take her there” to keep her safe, to make her cry, make her rebellious and to tame her.

But there had been others before him that she had loved in her own way, though none had ever tamed her like he had.  Until now.  Until Adias had walked into her life, annoying the hell out of her, frustrating her to no end and generally pissing her the fuck off!

She smiled to her self feeling the tears still rolling down her face, oh how she had hated him.  Back then she thought every time she signed onto the computer that she should just ban him so he couldn’t IM her or email her.  His ridiculous questions, not answering hers.  She had been so puffed up with herself thinking she knew everything.  He wrote like a teenager and that pissed her off to no end but every now and then through their arguments (how could you argue when you didn’t know someone! And in email or IM at that!), she saw an intelligent black man.  Every few days she picked up something new about him.  At the time she thought he’s slipping, he won’t answer my questions but I am finding out about him and one day I’m going to tell him so.

Little did she know……