A Somewhat Interesting Dialogue

“Have you heard about the woman in Saskatoon?”

“No sir, not have I seen, nor have I heard. ”

“Of course you haven’t seen them, if you haven’t heard, than how could you see?”

“Well sir, I could have heard some gentlemen talking about the attractive women of Saskatoon, but had not seen for myself.”

“So you have heard that Saskatoonian women are attractive?”

“No sir, not have I heard, I was merely defending my criticized response to your question, by using an example of how it could makes sense.”

“But I just told you it did not make sense, are you confused?”

“No sir.”

“Good. So we have established that you have not heard. The next question I have for you is: have you seen women from Saskatoon?”

“No sir, not have I seen.”

“I have heard they are the most beautiful of all mortal women. Some say even more than the goddess. Tell me Phaedo, have you heard how they received such beauty?”

“No sir, not have I heard of their beauty, nor of how they received their beauty.”

“I know you have not heard of their beauty, I was simple wondering if you have heard how they received their beauty. Surprisingly you have not heard the origin of their beauty. I however heard three different tales, four if you include the last, that tell the origin of their great beauty. Do you want to hear them?”

“Nothing would delight me more sir.”

“A merchant, named Cambyses, asked a friend from the land of the Saskatoonians why the women of his city were so extraordinarily beautiful. The Merchant’s friend told him that in ancient times, before Saskatoon was even a city, a young particularly ugly woman, was drawing water from a well; when the bucket had reached the top she noticed the goddess Aphrodite was sitting in it. The goddess asked her, ‘my dear lady what gives you the right to take water from my well?’ The young woman replied I had no idea that this was your well, my goddess I am sorry.’ But the goddess was in a generous mood and said, ‘since I am in a cheerful mood today I will grant mercy on you. I will not punish your stupidity and I will give you the chance to receive an extraordinary blessing from me.’ The young woman asked how she could receive this gift. Aphrodite told her that if she answered a certain riddle she would receive not only the goddess’s awe-inspiring beauty, but every women from her womb would receive this gracious gift for a thousand generations. The riddle given was this:

what has a mouth but does not speak, has a mattress but never sleeps’

“The young women pondered and finally answered, ‘a river.’
And she received great beauty and so did the women of her offspring, who went on to build the city of Saskatoon. Is this not a wonderful tale?”

“Sir does not the riddle say bed, not mattress. A river has a bed not a mattress.”

“Did you not say you had not heard the origin of the women of Saskatoon’s beauty?”

“I have not, I only heard the riddle before, and I believe you innocently told the riddle wrongly.”

“Do not tell me this, tell it to Aphrodite who gave the riddle. The second tale, similar to the first, I heard was from a priest named Alcimus. He tells the same story about an ugly young women drawing water from a well with the goddess Aphrodite sitting in the bucket. Only this time the women starts to wrestle with the goddess, grasping Aphrodite’s inner thigh she cries, ‘I will not let go until you bless me.’ The goddess blesses her and the young woman then went on and built the city of Saskatoon. This tale is my favorite because it is the most believable. Is this not a believable tale?”

“Yes sir, but I wonder how a mortal could subdue a divine goddess.”

“My dear Phaedo the answer is simple, the ugly woman was stronger than the goddess. There is a third tale that I heard from a herdsman who’s brother married a woman from Saskatoon. He heard from his brothers wife that the women of Saskatoon received their beauty from mud. They put mud on their faces every third day, making their skin as smooth as silk. I however do not believe her. Do you want to know why?”

“Nothing would delight me more sir.”

“I have three main reasons for rejecting this tale. First, I put mud on my face and it did not change my looks. Second, I had my servants go and get mud from Saskatoon and it did not change my looks. Third, I placed it on my wife’s face and she is still very ugly. And the fourth reason is the story was simple and lacked entertainment, and above all I simple do not care for it. Therefore it could not possible be the answer to why the women of Saskatoon are so beautiful. There is one final tale that heard quit recently actually, when I was conversing with some of my friends, who by the way are distinguished scholars and philosophers. We were discussing if beauty is in the eyes of the beholder or if its actually real, like if this throne I’m sitting on is it made of wood or bronze? Do you have any questions so far?

“No sir, but I am wondering how your throne relates to the question of beauty?”

“That’s not the point here, and that’s not a good question either. May I continue without interruption Phaedo?”

“Yes you may.”

“The conversation was heading nowhere soon so I ordered them to talk about the beautiful women of Saskatoon. My friends did grumble somewhat, and a particularly rude fellow named Antichus said that if I wanted that to be the topic of conversation, I should converse with sailors and not intellectuals. Being short in patients I politely asked him to leave my table. After his departure the conversation became wonderful as we conversed about the women of Saskatoon.” Would you like to hear a tale I was told of how they received such beauty?”

“Yes most certainly sir. But am I curious; is that the reason why Antichus is presently in prison?”

“I would be delighted to tell you the fourth tale. My friend Theabeus said the origin of their beauty is from a tale he heard from a poet, named Fictitius, who was a slave. Owned by a merchant who made the poet entertain his sailors on long voyages. The poet magnificently told about two twin sisters; Saskamus and Semus. They were planning to build a city but got into a dispute which side of the river it should be on. They decided to let the gods settle the dispute. The next day Saskamus saw twelve crows and Semus saw six, the sacred number of the gods is six, so the omen was that the city be built on Semus’ side. This out raged Saskamus and she killed her twin sister and she built the city on her side. Out of all the legends about our gods and heroes I like this one the most. Is not this the most delightful of all legends?”

“Yes sir, but how does that explain the origin of their beauty?”

“I am glad you asked that because I have thought it through and came to the conclusion that the gods probable awarded Saskamus’ courage and bravery, by blessing her and her offspring with awe-inspiring beauty.”

“May I be dismissed?”

“Absolutely not there is much more to be discussed. I wonder if there is anyone in my court who has a wife from Saskatoon and if so, I would like to see her. Phaedo do you know anyone who has a wife or concubine from Saskatoon.”

“There is a man named Xerxes, who I believe has a wife from Saskatoon.”

“Who is this man, Xerxes?”
“He is an officer in your army, sir”

“Have him brought to me at once before I punish you for not telling me sooner about this man.”

“You asked for my presence my majesty?”

“Yes Xerxes, I have been informed that you have a wife from Saskatoon. Is that true?”

“Yes sir, my love’s native city is Saskatoon.”

“Phaedo you may go now, this man’s testimony has freed you from punishment you would have received, if he did not have a wife from Saskatoon. Tell me, Xerxes, how long has it been since you have seen your wife?”

“Today is the six hundredth and thirty seventh day, my lord.”

“Is she beautiful?”

“Yes, my lord.”

“Hah, that’s all you have to say. Tell me how beautiful she is?”

“My lord I have been to and past every border in your kingdom. I have been through more cities and villages than I could possible count and seen more faces than the highest numeral. I swear by the heavens that I have never seen a mortal’s or goddess’ face more beautiful than my wife’s.”

“You still did not describe her beauty to me.”

“You asked how beautiful she was, not to describe her, my lord.”

“That may be, but I meant for you to describe her beauty to me. So Xerxes, describe her to me.”

“She has golden blond hair, blue eyes. She is beautiful when she is happy, but yet even more so when she is sad.”

“Xerxes, I want you to describe her beauty not her emotional state. I am starting to wonder how you became an officer.”

“She has golden blond hair, blue eyes, perfectly straight teeth-”

“Xerxes you are pathetic! I want you to describe her beauty with poetry and I want to be moved! Now I order you to move me by your poetry and if you disobey me you will certainly receive death!”

“Nothing mortal rivals my wife’s beauty
Only does the sun in the sky rival my love.

I invite you to compare the sun and my love.
You will be puzzled,
Which one brings more light to peoples faces?

Compare even the sun in the morning and my love.
You will be puzzled,
Whose presence warms the chilled man more?

Compare the sun setting on the ocean and my love.
You will be puzzled,
Whose beauty captivates the common man more?

Compare the sun behind the cloud on a cool day and my love
You will be puzzled,
Which one, man will long to reappear, more?

Compare the sun and my wife
And you will be puzzled,
As you look in awesome wonder
Deciding which magnificent beauty inspires more awe.”

“How can I be moved when the poem does not even rhyme! I would say I am not easily angered, but you are Xerxes, are testing my patience. Either move me with good poetry or receive death. The choice is up to you.”

“My wife.
my love, my life.

The golden hair of my love
Shines from the sun above

Her eyes sparkle blue
From the radiance bestowed

My face turns away
Shamed today, everyday
Knowing all that I lack
Never knowing what to say
Only love me back,
I so desperately pray

The beauty of my love
I know certainly came from above”

“That was the most beautiful poem I have ever heard, even though blue and bestowed do not rhyme and I am not even sure if that makes sense. But I had hoped you would not choose to die because you lack rhetorical skills. I grant you your leave and you may go home to your beautiful wife. Before you leave could you find Phaedo I want to ask him if he has heard about the women of Regina and how they received such ugliness.”