Walls

I know that all the happy memories in the world, all of them imprisioned inside my heart, are the very things that I have held dear to me those ten long years, and even today, to keep me sane. Without them how am I took look to a future that holds no shadows, that offers some hope of happiness and peace? Sometimes time and distance from nightmares dont seem to be enough. Perhaps I am wrong. Maybe all the good memories in the world don't hold all the answers. Must I confront the ghosts of my past before I am truely free to face the future?

Though the light has returned to my eyes and my heart, I am still afraid to be touched both physically and emotionally. How much further must I go before I am truly healed? Why do I still flinch from human contact? Will I ever be able to forget the demon in my father, to bury the past and be unafraid to find a life for myself that does not depend on living that life for the security of my sisters? So far I have let none, except them, close to me.

Yet I find it far easier to forgive the unforgivable than to constantly cling to hate. And after ten long lonely years of living in shadows, ten years of laying stones to build a wall around my emotions and heart, keeping the hurt out and leaving no way of escape for what little trust lies there, can I call it wise to let one man peer inside to see what he may never have? Is that fair? For how impenitrable can one erect a wall over the span of ten years? And perhaps if he did break through all the mortar and stone would I be able to trust a man who has hurled himself into my dark isolated world so enexpected and unwanted? Certainly he didn't come here in search of a wall greater than that of China to conquer. What man in his right mind would grapple with a task so large?