The Joys of Home Ownership

My husband and I bought our first home last year. And as everyone knows owning a home means fixing or paying to fix things when they break. So I decided to share with everyone my first experience trying to fix something myself.

So something went wrong in the main bathroom sink. Well I didn't break it initially but I tried to fix it and oh boy. I think I made it worse. It was all clogged and wouldn't drain and it was smelling kinda foul.

So I tried to unclog it, well conventional methods weren't working so while at the hardware store I see this rack standing about 6 feet tall with a big sign that says..."Do you have a stubborn clog..." Well I'm thinking ya I do, so I stop and keep reading. Ya know seemed like the light was shining on the sign, it was talking directly to me. Anyways this big sign continues on about this drain unclogger that will eat thru any clog. Im thinking yeah thats what I need. But were not talking about draino or liquid plumber here. Its this bottle that is wrapped in an industral strength plastic bag and sealed. The color of the solution is pitch black and reminds me of road tar.

So I get it home and take it out of the plastic bag which is transparent but has that cloudy look to it, and me being practically blind I didn't see the yellow words "Sulfuric Acid" on the front of the bottle. Well Im thinking; this shit must work, right? Any way I proceed to read the directions and the first thing I see in bold capitals is "DO NOT PUT INTO STANDING WATER!" Ok so I empty the sink using a cup and think ok what next. It says "pour 2 cups in and then pour 1 cup in drain every 15 mins for one hour or until unclogged", then run water for so long.

Cool seems easy enough, right?!?! I pour in my 2 cups, OH MY GOD ----- the smell is horrid, Im gagging trying not to bring up my dinner. OMG it was so bad, the worst smelling rotten egg smell I have ever smelled. Oh Im thinking, shit that stinks this bad better work.

By now your probably thinking that was the worst of it, well no it gets worse. So I am standing there with my nose and mouth covered getting ready to go check the time so I know when to put more in, when I start to hear this weird nose. It sounded similar to a pump in a fish tank, blub blub blub getting louder and louder.

I had made it to the door and turned around to look at the sink that has now got this thick black stinky substance all over it, and what do I see? Oh fuck, it looks as though Mt St Helens had moved into my sink.

Um, this cant be good. So I grab the bottle and continue reading the little print which I didn't really pay attention to before. It says "After pouring 'Flowing Drain' into your sink cover with an inverted pan or other object that is inverted to prevent projectile eruption". WHAT...ERUPTION!

Oh god I can't have this stuff all over the place it stinks so bad. So I find a plastic container that I use to rinse Andrews hair when he takes a bath, it looks similar to a sugar jar, and I put that over the sink. And with my nose covered I see this plastic jar kinda lift up and down over the sink drain. OMFG Its gonna blow. So I find something heavy to sit on it so it doesnt go anywhere.

Well at this point I figure I better read the rest of the fine print, see what else I missed. Oh now isn't this great, "Do not allow contact with skin, may cause severe burns" and "Direct contact with water may have explosive results". WTF why do they sell this shit to the general public. Let alone to me. OMG I'm gonna kill something with this shit!

So ok the black goo has stopped trying to blow and its been about 15 mins and since I've already come this far might as well go all the way, right? So I get all 4 more cups in with out incident and quickly leave the bathroom because it just stinks so bad. I watch a TV show, it was about an hour long, and I go back to check my handy work. The sink hasn't drained, infact it is about a quarter full of stinky black tar like goo, and its not draining.

Now what do I do? I can't touch it, it would burn my skin off. I can't use the plunger in fear it will splash on me and burn my skin off. And I definitely can't just leave it there over night since the kids get up early, and knowing them they wouldn't pay attention to the stench or the fact that the sink looks like the "Black Lagoon" and they would probably go run the water and explode the sink or burn their skin off.

Brain fart, I'll use the masking tape I have left from painting and tape saran wrap over the entire sink and I'll tape it real good so if they do run the water it won't come in contact with the black stinky goo. Right? WRONG! I can't find the tape, dam kids must of took it. I searched the whole house for near an hour and couldn't find any fucking tape.

Dam it! Ok need a plan B. GLUE, I found glue. Just the kids elmer glue, but hey what the hell I can't leave it the way it was. So I get my saran wrap and the dam glue and I glue about 5 layers of saran wrap over that sink. They will not be able to get the water in that dam goo. Then I make a big sign and sit it on top of the saran wrapped sink so they know not to remove the glued on saran wrap. Then I struggle with the window (another story) to get it open for ventilation because it really stinks, turn off the lights go to bed. I will deal with it in the morning.

Next morning I go check my handy work, and the black goo has drained. Yippee! So I run a little water. It's going down the drain!!!! I think I did it. I fixed my drain! So I run some more water. Remember, it says to run the water for a while.

Did I fix my drain? I think I did. Wait what is that noise? Is the shower running? Nope shower is fine. What the hell is that noise.....GOD DAM IT..... "Jasmine get me a pan the big one quick."

OMG the pipes are now leaking, and it is leaking water with the residual black goo. "Hurry, hurry Jasmine now, I need the big pan." "Ok mom but I got to wash it first." "I don't care give me the fucking pan." I quickly shove the pan under the sink pipes because I don't want that explosive burning black stinky goo on my skin. The pan is just filling up fast. "Jasmine get me another pan. Quick!" Got the other pan and now I am doing the 2 pan shuffle until the water's drained out. I don't know where it was coming from but OMG.

So yup the stuff eats through ANY clog thats for sure. It ate away the seals in my pipes, so they don't just leak, they flow. Now I have flowing pipes that flow where there not supposed to go. I have black goo residual on the side of my sink because if I try to run the water in the sink to rinse it out I have to do the 2 pan shuffle. And for the life of me I can't get that awful smell out of the bathroom.

Oh dear, the joys of owning your own home. Next time I think I'll hire a REAL plumber.