my sister the cancer survivor

I have always been blessed with a loving family and a relatively good life, even if I don’t recognize that sometimes and let bitterness and depression alter that fact. But I honestly do have wonderful parents who would stop at nothing to protect and support their children. I’ve never had problems with my brother, for he is my best friend and we’ve been close for years, but we didn’t always used to be. My older sister was my best friend and my hero when we were children, but life’s cruel ways changed that in many ways.

Shortly after my sister Leah turned 7, my parents started noticing odd things about her behaviour and things that were happening to her. I was only 5 years old at the time and oblivious to it all, of course, but my parents needed to find out what was going on.
Leah was diagnosed with cancer shortly after my parents took her to the hospital to confirm their suspicions. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for them to hear that their daughter was going to die, for the cancer had spread too much in the small child to have much hope of surviving.

Honestly enough I do not remember much of those days, only a few moments of me sitting in hospitals a lot visiting her, hugging her and kissing her cheek, tears blinding me when my parents took me aside to tell me my sister was sick. She was sick and was going to die, that is what I was told. I was told the whole story of where she would go, how she would soon be with God in Heaven but even now I would not be able to recall much but glimpses of their explanation with my mother in tears and dad trying to be strong.

I cannot explain the amount of guilt that has burdened me for many years about how I treat my sister now and wondering how I treated her then. It was only until recently that I learned I actually never left her side and helped her to walk and move to the bathroom when she needed it. Knowing that as a child I was in fact helpful and loving to her, and not nervous and standoff-ish was a great relief.

Now Leah has made it through that and beat the cancer, but she never recovered from a lot of the damage done to her. She cannot grow her long, beautiful blonde hair back. Only thin wisps of hair are resting on her head, just a gentle teaser or what she long ago used to have. She has suffered mind-affecting problems as well due to the brain tumor. Removing the tumor had it's costs... she cannot do school work age-appropriate for her and even at the age of 20 she cannot tell time properly and finish school the way she would like to. She lost many close friends, gained some and has gone through many years of hurt of losing her best friends (due to the lack of maturity caused by the brain tumor). Half of her face is paralysed, which makes her very self conscious. To this day I still hear here crying as she looks into the mirror at her appearance. At least she has a hearing aid now so no one has to shout at her for her to be able to hear simple conversations.

I, like Leah, cry at night sometimes. I cannot help but feel guilty about not being able to break this wall I have built between us. I have drifted so far away from her so that we aren’t even friends anymore, I don’t talk to her much and I never spend any time with her. I fought with myself for hours one night, trying to build up the courage to stop being so selfish and comfort my crying sister in the room right beside me. I never did and I hate myself for it still, for when I finally decided to, my mother had stepped in and took place beside her.

I don’t understand why I am so cold and distant all the time and cannot tell anyone how I feel about it. Maybe I’m embarrassed of her? It’s a terrible thing to say and I hate even thinking it, but I think it might be true. I think sometimes her immaturity suffocates me and ashames me around others. It shouldn’t be this way and I toss and turn in my sleep many nights over this realization of my selfishness. Everyone thinks I am cruel when I snap at her sometimes like sisters do, but they fail to recognize that they do it with their sisters, and Leah’s illness does nothing to change the fact that we’re both still human and both treat each other the same way as any other siblings would.

But yet, I never hear the end of it from people and I become the disliked child– cast aside from others when in the presence of them with my sister. I’m less hurt about being ignored constantly by everyone I meet while they fawn over my sister, but that probably had a lot to do with how I am with my sister now. Children are easily influenced by jealousy, and I won’t deny that the attention she was getting secretly turned me into a green monster as a child. As a child, yes I was hurt by this and hid in shyness from everyone for many years because I simply did not know how to communicate with people anymore. All my childhood was, was my sister being sick and her getting the attention. Children are selfish that way, and I was no exception.

My English/Drama teacher once approached me with the idea of writing a play about me and my sister. The idea was for it to be all the experiences my sister, and I myself have gone through personally with her illness. I can't say it was easy for me to have to replay the story for her. At that point in my life, I don't think I could ever actually have released this story to my small community, or anyone that may know me personally.

I find it easier to deal with now that I have gone through everything and personally figured out all my hostile feelings against my sister’s disease. I feel better because after having taken this step, I will be able to find the right moment to present this to my sister and get all my feelings out in the open so we can move on. Of course, I’ll leave out what I have said about her immaturity and naivety to life and its experiences and everything that has happened to her– I’m not trying to slap her in the face and hurt her, after all.

As I write this story, my heart hurts more with each word being written but it will be good for me, for this is my first confession of all that has happened and my views on it. My friends and family won't see it, but it will do me good to know it is out there for others to see. I’m sure it will take years for me and my sister to accomplish the goal of becoming friends once more and regaining our close relationship, but as long as I can just make it through highschool without going crazy... I can say I haven’t done a half bad job of learning to cope with life’s faults and hurdles.



*note: I would like to thank "ness" for giving me some hinters and inspiring me to get a wiggle on and fix up this lil' story. I thank you for the editing tips!*

June 4th, 2009: Looking back on this little article I wrote here a few years ago, I see how so much has changed. I no longer take my sister for granted. A few months ago we found a tumor on her heart that had been growing there quite a while, and had to have open heart surgery to remove it. She is recovering now, and we are battling to control her seisures now.