Freezer Burn

         So this is how it went down. My six flat mates and I are working down at the mine, right? Searching for diamonds, gems, whatever. Well, we come home late that night. We're tired as shit, and all I want is a shower. The first thing I see is the front door hanging open. Yeah, I know. So after slating Joe for leaving the damn door unlatched, we go in, all sneaky-like, see if I can't land my pickaxe in the forehead of our prowler. I don’t think I need to say I was as surprised as shit to see this hot broad passed out across our beds. I should 'a known she'd be trouble when I first spotted her drooling on my pillow.
         So this chick's a hippie right? You know, dancing in the forest with woodland creatures. Has some ridiculous name. Snow White. I guess she popped out and her mum was like "Holy shit an albino with black hair", and POW! Name. Whatever. Yeah, so she's a hippie and she's all like "I love your house, it's so cute. I'm going to stay." And I'm all like "Who the shit do you think you are? Just because we live in the woods don't mean you can pitch your tent here. Get the fuck out!" But my mates think they have a chance with her, so they want her to stay. Yeah, because six fat midgets got a chance with this Ice Queen. Right. Sure. So she stays. And it doesn't suck that bad. She cooks. And Cleans. And being an Ice Queen, she sticks to herself and don't bug me too much. Other than harassing me for new furniture. I like my Barker, thank you very much; shush, woman.
         All's fine and dandy until this witch starts fuckin' with us. Not your regular, everyday witch. This bitch can change into shit. She shows up in all different bodies trying to get at us and Snow Flake. First she shows up as this old hag, right? Trying to sell shoe laces or something. Ties 'em about the Flake till she can't breathe. I come home late from the pub to find her passed out on the kitchen floor. Unsanitary, man, I mean, disgusting. I cut those things off her and tell her to stay out of my liquor cabinet. Stupid Drunk. But yeah, the witch. She shows up again, selling brushes or combs or some girly thing. And of course, the wench, being the princess she is, can't say no to being waited on, having her hair done up all pretty-like. Guess the old hag brushed a bit too hard. Of course Flake can't handle the littlest pain, and passes out. Tom comes home and pulls the comb out of her head and sends her off to make the beds.
         It's the last time this hag shows up that my mates and I get anything out of it, really. Gives the Flake an apple. Guess princesses aren’t learned to chew. She chokes on it. We're all like "Hey man, it's getting to be winter. Now we got food enough to last." We wrap her up in some foil and toss her in a big-ass Ziploc. Don't want freezer burn, ya know? Finally rid of the Flake we can go on about our lives. Work, food, a game here and there.
         So's I got this buddy, Carl, works on over at the Burger Prince. Decent guy, brings snacks to poker night an' everything. Well he comes over last week to watch the game, but my flat mates and I gotta run over to the mechanics for a bit. We tell Carl to sit tight, grab a brewski or whatever, and wait for us. Well, Carl was never one to settle for a beer without a TV dinner, so he goes off into the freezer, grab himself a Hungryman, meatloaf I think it was. Well he spots the Flake, unwrapping the foil, thinking he can get himself some venison steaks or something for the grill. Imagine his surprise, right? Well, let me just say, Carl was always a horny fellow, but not exactly the type bitches go running to. Kind of fat, balding, oh yeah, and he works the fry maker at Burger Prince so he's got some bad acne. Well, who was he to turn down a nice piece? He pulls her out, puts her on the floor, and starts to untie his sweatpants. By the time he drops trow, the Flake's thawed a bit, so the lips and mouth (and other bits, mind you) are thawing out. So Carl decides he's gonna go all out on this chick. So he starts making out with the corpse. Sticks his tongue down her throat, you know? Well, I guess he stuck it far enough down to dislodge that chunk of apple she had stuck in there, because she woke up. Well, what would you do if you had a strange looking (and smelling) guy with his tongue down your throat? The Flake bit down. Hard.
         Heh, poor Carl. Ain't got no tongue anymore, but at least he got something out of it. Turns out that old Hag was the Queen (and the Flake's step-mum). Well I guess she figured it'd work out well for her if she stuck the Flake with Carl. The Hag gets to stay Queen and Carl has a hot piece of ass to clean his house. Not to mention she's out of my hair. I think it works out well for everyone.