The White Wall

The White Wall
- A Glimpse into the Mind

And so it begins here, here not as a place nor a time, rather here as a state of being. Melancholy fills the room as my eyes slowly, heavily, drift into the abyss. What lies beyond that wall, what surprises does it hold in store for me. I sit, in my dirty, cluttered, fraternity room. My mind, my mind is not here though; my mind is in a place rarely visited. It lies beyond my roommate’s music, techno blasting through the speakers, computer games echoing in the background. Soon it is all gone and I am beyond it. I remain seated, calmly on my futon, my guitar rests in its case, peacefully swaying next to me in thought. As I sit I begin to notice a slight pain in my fingertips, it is nothing I tell my self as I soon realize that I was just playing my guitar. The sounds, the notes, individually enter my senses as if it were water flowing through a stream, the sound, the notes, the community with in, it’s beautiful no matter how it’s played. As soon as the thought of pain had entered my mind it was gone, leaving a feeling of emptiness yet again. The music gets louder, but I pay no attention, nothing can disturb this peaceful place.

I continue sitting, wondering, about what, I do not know. But I prefer it that way. I, my self, seem to be ambiguous. I feel as though I am standing in a heavy fog, in which I can only just make out the silhouette of a small lantern, glowing softly in the night. My mind quickly turns to P---- as the glow of the lantern fades away. For just a moment I suddenly feel something, it’s difficult to explain, but it’s strong, almost painful, yet I welcome it. It soon leaves me, but I wish it not to go. I ask for this pain, it is love. I try to hold on to the feeling, to the image of her. She stands there in her charcoal grey winter pea coat; she is wearing a knitted hat with matching gloves. They are a pale color, but the details escape me quickly. I envision her wrapping her scarf around my neck, playfully pulling me close.

It is dark, yet all lights remain on in the room. I feel alone, yet my roommate sits just four feet from me, still intent on his video game and listening to techno. The silhouette of him, slouching over his computer is etched into my memory. Things suddenly become a bit blurry, hazy, and light begins to return. I ponder for a second how the feelings ever left, but the thought soon passes and again I am sitting, this time in my desk chair. I must have moved seats some where between my viewing of B---- and my thought of her. But as I am contemplating this, my thoughts begin to change. Suddenly my past, my feelings and memories escape me as I picture a bright white wall. It is the most beautiful white wall I have ever seen, it almost seems to glow with radiance. I wish that you could see it; I wish that you could experience it. It is pure white, it seems to be lit up, but I cannot see an actual light. It is as if the light is the wall. A soft glow emerging from it seems to warm me, and again my mind begins to empty it’s self.

I am happy, staring at this white wall, for what reason I do not know, but it is as if I could spend my whole life just watching this white wall. I soon realize that it is just in my mind, but I continue to gaze at it, becoming quite relaxed. My thoughts come and go, but with no consideration for them, they are no more than a string floating in the wind to me. I do not delve into what thoughts are occurring. I treat them as if they are useless, coming and going, rather than thoughts built to intrigue and ignite my currently calm mind.

As quickly as I blink my eye, I feel as though I am venturing deeper into the abyss, deeper into my self. Disconnected from myself and the outside world, I feel a sense of euphoria sweep across me. I haven’t a worry for the world, and for the first time feel true peace. I close my eyes, and just as quickly as I closed them something new began to appear. It is a life, this life is unfolding before me, it is my life, but not just mine, others as well, I see things from other people, from P---- and my family, but they seem to be mine, my senses are ignited with quick images and sudden feelings quickly entering and then soon relinquishing hold of my mind. I feel as though I am living them over, but something tells me that they are not all mine. I open my eyes, slowly, just enough light filters through my eyelid and eyelash, the gap seems to form a chasm that is infinitely filled with bright white light, I open my eyes fully and experience the overwhelming vision of light. I feel blinded, but by my thoughts. I continue to day dream, of what I am not certain, I am never certain. However more times then not, I feel as if they are about love, the feelings, the emotions, not sexually I may add, but lovingly embraces of warmth. It is a feeling so beautiful. And just as I begin to remember bits and pieces of my dreams I too begin to loose them. These emotions are yearning to escape to the tangible world, but unfortunately I can not find away to release them.

I suddenly have the urge to yell, to shout. But as I try to get up, as I try to vocalize my feelings, I find my limbs and my voice unable to operate. My hope, my desire, my lust for love is slowly dissipating from my immediate state of being, desperately I am grasping to hold on to it, I know what I want to say, I know how to let it out, to let others experience it, but I was to late. I began to enter a state of sleepiness, emotionless and numb; something suddenly did not feel right. I became frustrated, obsessed with retrieving what I had lost, retrieving the feelings of love, but again they escape me as I slowly drift away from reality. Still existent though the feelings of love, of emotion, but my sensory ability to take them from spiritual to physical has been lost yet again. As I drift from reality into a state of semi consciousness my head becomes heavy and dizzy. I realize suddenly that I have lost track of time, but I am not bothered by this. I feel as though I have no motivation to do anything, yet I yearn to get up and move about, I can not just sit at my desk doing nothing. That is when this began, when I began to type the every thought from my mind. Thoughts soon rush into my head, quickly and overwhelmingly.

I am now frantic with thoughts of her, all of her. Where is she, what is she doing, what is she doing, what is she doing, what is she doing? Is she thinking of me as I her, is she thinking of us? Does she love me still, what does she mean by “just barely hanging on?” I begin to panic again, I thought she loved me. I can’t take it anymore, my mind is becoming overwhelmed, confused with thoughts of fact and fiction, and fairy tale events unfold but are quickly washed away by disillusion. I try, I try franticly to think of something else, “come on” I tell my self, “just stop, STOP!” but nothing comes to mind. I am circling now, over and over, repetition in my head, what does she want, what can I do, is something wrong with me, why won’t she love me. It wont stop, and all I want is for my mind to just shut down, I wish for an on off switch, remembering back to last October, remembering my impulse decision, I try to change the subject, I just want the repetition to stop, I want a calm mind, but one with her in it, one with her happy. I yearn for a way to shut down my mind, but know there is nothing I can do, more thoughts are present now and the beautiful image of the perfect white wall is fading faster and faster from memory, with it my comfort and happiness begins to leave taking the thought of P----that I’m trying desperately to hold on to. Suddenly I am back to that dark lit fraternity room, the glow seems eerie to me, as I now yearn more and more for the brilliant white wall, I feel trapped with in these confines, and I feel as though I need to get out. So I think of that white wall, trying to remember its majestic qualities, wishing to see it once again, hoping to get out.

~ my other blogs are kept here http://pennedemotion.blogspot.com/ feel free to visit as well!