reaction to the death of my mother and sister and the life i had to stay in bereft of them |
in my space a shadow in the form having the form of the soul spirit formerly known as me shadow created by dark and light but light indirect pantomiming life “what’ve you been up to?” grieving I suppose the boom lowered when I realized that my prearranged hiding place nonexistent nonexistent gloom dark sullen bad bad bad negative negativity iris aperture a high as i’d like to be offa something still no light to be had no high to soar on no solace in sleep unconscious just awake freshly agitated aggravated empty empty empty nothing fill me no one fill me feel me? no smiles no laughs concern has taken residence on my brow my space no energy to be to do handicapped disabled by the cloud bear hug that’s appeared from behind unexpected not forgiving like the sleeper hold but I move somehow somewhere i was doing something there were moments light forgotten gaiety brevity of the heavy woolen load in this Atlanta summer stifling stuck with phantom limb syndrome my arm and leg gone but a pain so acute they must still be there eyes don’t deceive in so many ways eyes don’t deceive i look and the limbs are gone i fake sleep and stir awake and the limbs are gone eyes never dry hurt never quieted pop pills get back in the machine no let me be give me time give me back that which I have lost that irreplaceable i don‘t want to breathe anymore cancer cancer cancer c is for cancer flowers are for graves and I cry alone i don’t want mamas’ car i want my mama don’t want my sisters’ things i want her laughter her jokes i want her seriousness care concern unsolicited advice worries of being a good mother heavy heavy heavy it’ll be ok it’s going to be alright you’re strong they’re better off insult and injury should never dance together i want the gaping pain entrenched hole filled up i need loving i’m not ok you bastard |