The Passing Part 2

I dreamed of the beach. Warm sand between my toes, seagulls swooping down at the water, bringing up fish, a setting sun submerged in the ocean. I saw my mother and father holding hands as they walked beside the crashing waves. They were vacationing right now. That’s where we should be.
          They were having the time of their lives.
          My mind flickered with an image of Julie, her head bent under the weight of the ceiling.
          When I woke, all I could see was white.
          Julie was next to me; she had not been thrown from the car. Thank God. I can get to her if she needs help. Her head was turned towards the window. She wasn’t moving. Passed out, I hoped.
          I tried moving my legs and screamed at the pain. It felt like something sharp was poking through the skin at my right ankle. I didn’t want to look. I kept my eyes up.
          “Baby?” I said. “Are you okay?” I twisted towards her, in my seat. My side throbbed. I put a hand on my ribs. They were bruised, I could tell.
          “Julie, you awake? I think my legs are broken.” Nothing. She didn’t twitch. She didn’t move. “Julie, you okay? Please tell me you’re okay.”
          I stared at her for a while, watching for movement. There was none. She’s just passed out, I thought. She’s just sleeping. But she would be breathing at least, wouldn’t she? Do coma victims breathe?
          “Baby, please don’t be dead.”
          I reached for her but pulled back before touching her.
          Not right now, I thought and turned to look out into the snowy valley. You can deal with that later. Block it. You have to find a way to get both of you out of here. Save her. But how? You can’t move. You’re pinned inside this car. And Julie. Wasn’t she dead?
          No, I didn’t want to believe that. I couldn’t. It was impossible.
          I was shaking now. I felt icy. “Julie, I’m so cold. Oh, God, help me! Baby!” I screamed. And then, “Ahhh!” I reached for my legs. Pain shot through them. Forget your legs right now. Forgot all this pain. I looked over at Julie again.
          “Please, say something,” I said, feeling a sharp sting in my side with every breath. “Just wake up!”
          I pulled my hand from my leg and went for her again. It trembled as it neared her. She’ll be fine, I thought, she’s just unconscious, that’s all. When I reached her, I pulled on her chin and her head rolled. Her stone gaze fell in my direction.
          “Julie…”
          No, no, no, not this. What was this for? Why did this happen?
          “Julie!”
          Her sea green eyes were fixed. Her mouth gaping. I went for her and held her. The skin at my legs tearing at the ankles. But they were numb now. I could not feel them. I couldn’t feel anything. I kissed her all over. Her skin was soft and still warm. It was just like it had always been, but now she was gone. I wanted my mother. I wanted her to be here, to help me. Julie’s mom would hate me, now. She would blame me. Why are you thinking of this stuff? Who cares? It was her idea to come here. She was the one who rented it. If it was anyone’s fault, it was hers.
          “Julie, you can’t leave me yet.”
          Her mouth. It was just open, the jaw dangling there. I hated seeing it like that. I shut it slowly and gently. She still looked alive. I can’t believe this. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
          You know you like when your drunk wife dances around the cabin stripping off her clothes.
          I could hear her voice clear, in my head.
          “Yes, baby, I do, I do.”
          You want a sneak preview of Drunk Julie?
          “Yea, show me, baby. I want to see.”
          I have a surprise for you but I want to save it for the cabin, Okay?
          Surprise. The word echoed in my mind. Surprise? What had she been talking about?
          My eyes burst and water poured from them. I was choking on soggy breaths that were heavy and exhausting. I turned away from her as I sobbed. But, at times, I found myself peering over at her. She was Julie. She was my wife. She was the girl I had been with since I was fourteen. And now she was gone.
          “I told you to hurry the hell up. You always have to wait until the last minute to get ready? We would have made it if it weren’t for you. You know that?” I said.
          “WAKE UP!” I was breathing heavy. “Julie, why won’t you wake up? Julie, listen to me, wake up, please, just say something, anything. Oh, God, fuck you.” The tears were cold on my cheeks; my nostrils froze when I inhaled. It didn’t feel real. None of it did. It was if I were watching a movie being played out before me.
          After catching my breath, I stared out the window. “Stupid, stupid, stupid, you wrecked. You killed her, not Julie, not her mom; you made this scene for yourself. Fucking deer.”
          Julie giggled as she would giggle in our bed sometimes. I looked at her. She was a frozen statue. “Did you laugh, baby?”
          Mouth gaping again. Eyes fixed.
          “Of course you didn’t.”
          I positioned her mouth once more.
          I thought of her in our bed, sleeping. Sometimes during the middle of the night, I would wake and watch her sleep next to me.
          Maybe if I just reached over and closed her eyes she would look like she was sleeping, I thought. Then I could watch her. Then it wouldn’t be so bad. I placed my fingers on her eyelids and pressed down. They shut and slowly rose again.
          “You always looked beautiful when you slept. Why don’t you close your eyes now and sleep for me? Show me how beautiful you are.”
          In bed, she would have her head on my chest, her hair pulled behind her ear, breathing gently.
          “No, Julie, don’t sleep. I don’t want you to sleep. You can sleep when we get home. Not here. Not right now. I want you awake now. I would give anything for you to wake up. They can cut these legs off. I don’t care.”
          At home in the dark, I would stroke her hair, kiss her temple, and massage her back. Anything to get a reaction from her.
          “Oh, God please wake up. I love you baby, you know that, I’ve told you that a million fucking times. Baby, I do, I really do.”
          Before dozing off I would whisper, “I love you,” in her ear and though she was sleeping she would still smile.
          "You bitch."
          I thrashed in my seat. I had to get out of this car. I jerked on my legs, trying to free them and felt a tearing at my ankle. I looked down and became dizzy when I saw the jagged bone protruding from my leg, and out a rip in my jeans. Blood darkened my pants.
          God, happy anniversary, thanks for a great one this year. No fire tonight, huh, Jules?
          I pulled on my legs again, feeling and hearing the rip. Dizzy again, I put both my hands under my thighs and jerked. White-hot pain coursed through my legs. I jerked again. “Rip! You bastards!” Again. And again. Blackness. Spots of blackness like inky clouds obscured my vision. With each tug came more clouds. Soon it was all black and I was out.

*****

When I woke, it was still daylight. The last of the sun was falling behind a mountain. I looked down at my legs. My pants were soaked in blood. If I didn’t get out of here, I would bleed to death.
          I heard a crunching to my left. I looked out and saw a deer walking through the snow.
          It brought its head down to take licks from the ice, and back up to smell at the air, smoke was blowing from its nostrils. It stood at least six feet from the ground. Muscles taut and visible through its fur. And it’s fur - as white as the snow.
          I knew it was the same deer. This was the only albino I had ever seen in my life. There couldn’t have been two of them out here. There was blood at its rear. And it walked with a limp. It lifted its head, looked right at me, and took a few steps in my direction. Maybe it was ten feet from me now.
          “I hope you bleed to death,” I said, then looked at my own wounds. “That’s what’s going to happen. We’re both going to bleed to death out here.”
          It looked at me with red eyes.
          “Look what you did to my wife.”
          Blood was dripping from it, soaking into the snow. “Yeah, good, you son of a bitch. Bleed. Bleed until it’s all gone. You think you’re in pain? Look at this, look at my legs. I won’t be walking again because of you.”
          It smelled at the air again.
          “What the hell were you doing out there on that road anyway? It was our anniversary, for God’s sakes.”
          It took a few more steps towards me.
          It bent its head and touched its tongue to the ground, bringing up another spot of snow. I imagined myself tearing away from these useless legs and beating that deer until exhaustion stopped me. I hoped that it would get closer to me. Close enough for me to reach out and choke it.
          “You think you’re going to come down here and finish the job? Is that it?” I said. “Well, come on! Get over here. You’re going to die first.”
          What the hell was wrong with this animal? It just stood there. And it was so close. Even when I yelled at it, it remained. Never once flinching from the sound of my voice. It wasn’t concerned with me in the least bit. It acted as if I wasn’t in its presence.
          When the deer was five feet from me, I looked right into its eyes and wished for death to come and take it from here.
          We locked stares again. And in a second, its eyes were still and grey. Its tongue dropped from its mouth. Its legs bent at the knees. The front of its body went forward, and its nose pinned into the snow.
          What the hell? Before I could think what happened, even wonder if my imagination had just taken over, I felt a sudden rush of burning blood surge through my veins. It boiled my body, brought sweat to my forehead. My eyes widened and my fingers tingled. And for several seconds it felt that someone had just poured a cup of pure caffeine straight into my brain.
          Next, a breath-taking mass was bearing down against my chest, forcing me into my seat. I grabbed at my heart, wringing at it as if trying to pull the imaginary weight from it. No use. I was sinking further into my seat. What was happening? Get this off me. Help me!
          Inky clouds were at my eyes, scarring my vision. Through the clouds, I did not see the inside of the car, however. What I saw made no sense to me. It was white forest zooming at me, all around me, and fast:
          I was running through the snow. My legs were all better, now. No broken bones. My feet were bare but the snow was not cold to them. My heart was racing, beating faster than it ever had before. Limbs from the pines were slapping my face as I ran. Something was chasing me, I could sense that, could smell whatever it was. I could smell wet fur. I could smell anger and hunger. Where was I? What was chasing me?
          There were snow-covered pines all around me. To my left, to my sides, in front of me. I needed a place to hide. But where? I went forward. There was a drop off a few feet from me. Should I turn around? Should I see what was after me? It will get me if I slow.
          I took the chance and flipped my head.
          Wolves. A pack of silver wolves, six of them, all mouths gaping, and showing glistening, razor-sharp teeth. I could feel their hunger. I turned back and shot over the hill. It was too steep though, and I tripped. I quickly regained my balance, but fell again. I was going too fast but the wolves were gone. I was safe and that’s what mattered.
          At the bottom of the hill was a road. A car was driving this way. Was I going to hit it? I stepped into the lane. I thought the car was going to smack into me so I moved. My rear was hit. It hurt. It throbbed. And I ran.



The vision faded and I was in the car once more. The sweat on my brow felt like icicles. The adrenaline I felt when the deer had fallen had never left; it was still with me, pumping through me. My eyes were wide and darting from place to place. Everything went fast. I felt I had the strength to lift this car over my head and toss it like a paper ball.
          What just happened? What was I seeing?
          The deer was dead now. It laid face down in the snow next to my car.
          “Wolves, huh, buddy?” I said. “You could have gone the other way. Why did you try and go down that hill?”
          I didn’t know why I had seen the vision. I didn’t know why I was given that. But, I didn’t care. Julie was still dead next to me. And she was what mattered. Was this God’s way of making things better? If it were, it wasn’t good enough.