Scenes in a Coffee Shop

Scene 1
(Scene is a typical college coffee shop. At C is the counter, with a curtain behind it to denote the "back room," while two tables are placed one SR and one SL. ERIC, a plain guy in a white button down and blue jeans, is bopping his head around to an iPod, while a college-aged CUSTOMER in a suit glares impatiently.)

Customer 1: Excuse me?

(ERIC continues moving his head around, oblivious.)

Customer 1: Excuse me!

(Still oblivious)

Customer 1: HEY!

(ERIC removes headphones.)

Eric: Everything okay?

Customer 1: I have to be in class in TWO MINUTES and my venti sugar-free caramel macchiato with extra foam and whipped cream is A TALL! How could you get that wrong? VENTI was the first thing I said!

Eric: I'm sorry, sir. I guess I figured you didn't need anymore caffeine or you'd lose it.

Customer 1: Excuse me?

Eric: A caramel macchiato has enough caffeine in it to shock road kill.

Customer 1: THAT'S why you gave me a tall? You screwed up on purpose?

Eric: Figured you wouldn't notice. I was just looking out for you is all.

Customer 1: Do you have ANY idea-

Eric: You're welcome. Aren't you late for class?

(Customer 1 freezes, stammers, then exits with drink, grumbling)

Eric: (mock cheeriness) Have a great day! (aside) People don't like me because I'm honest. I don't like people because they're nuts.

(Enter FLYER GIRL, cute, overly perky, squeaky voice, hair preferably in pig tails, carrying an oversized tote bag. She steps up to the counter.)

Eric: What can I get you?

Flyer Girl: Small coffee please?

(ERIC nods.)

Flyer Girl: And also, would you be a dear and post a few of these flyers around your coffee house? (pulls a massive stack of papers from her bag and drops them onto the counter with a loud THUD while she talks) National Hug-A-Professor Day is coming up and we've gotta get the word out to students!

Eric: (further mock cheeriness) Here's your drink!

Flyer Girl: Thanks! Have a great day! (skips out)

(ERIC smiles until she leaves, and dumps all the flyers into the trash. His coworker SARA comes from the back room and looks at him.)

Sara: (rolling eyes) I get it. You're trying to go for the moody, coffeehouse hipster look that is just so IN right now!

Eric: I'm not! I'm really not! It's just that I feel sometimes like everyone who comes in here is… insane. Stark, raving, insane!

Sara: They're coffee addicted college students. You're surprised? (beat)

(Another customer comes in while ERIC talks.)

Eric: I don't know. Like that guy in here a minute ago- in the suit carrying the Wall Street Journal and Palm Pilot? That guy is a year younger than me! A year! And his hairline is already receding! When did angry 40-year-olds start going to this school?

Sara: (ignoring him, greets customer) Hi, can I help you?

Customer 2: Can I get a strawberry crème smoothie?

Sara: Sure! Be right with you! (To ERIC) Take care of anyone else that comes in, alright?

Eric: Sure. (To Customer) How do you feel about this situation?

Customer 2: ..What situation?

Eric: Creepy middle aged men are invading college campuses. Your thoughts?

Customer 2: ..Uhhhh…

(Customer 2 stands there whimpering confusedly as a girl, LUCY, comes running in, out of breath, hair pulled in a half-undone ponytail. She comes behind the counter and hurriedly throws on and starts fixing an apron.)

Lucy: Hi, sorry, I know I'm late, and it's my first day. I suck.

Eric: Don't worry about it. The boss isn't here, and even if he was, he wouldn't care.

Lucy: Awesome. What's your name?

Eric: Eric. (extends hand) You?

Lucy: Lucy. (smiles and shakes) Great to meet you.

Eric: Likewise.

Lucy: I'm really nervous about starting here. Hopefully I won't spill a drink or mess anything up. (knocks over a tower of stacked styrofoam coffee cups.) Shit! It figures!

(She bends to pick the cups up, grumbling to herself. ERIC laughs, not helping.)

Eric: (to customer) What are you looking at?

Customer 2: (meekly) Can I get my drink now?

(LUCY stands, grumbling bitterly, as SARA comes out of the back room, smoothie in hand.)

Sara: One strawberry crème smoothie! (puts on counter, sees Lucy, and squeals) Baby! (kisses her on the mouth. Customer makes a scared "meep" noise.) Rick didn't tell me you'd work your first day with me!

Lucy: He didn't tell me either! (giggles) This is so great baby!

(They go into the back room.)

Eric: Well that wasn't awkward.

Customer 2: Can I get my drink now?

Eric: No. (picks it up and drinks it.)

(Customer 2 makes a few more scared "meep" noises.)

Customer 2: But- that's- my- drink!

Eric: Yes. And it's delicious. (slurp) Is there a reason you're still standing here?

(Customer is on the brink of tears.)

Customer 2: I- I- I don't know anymore!!!

Eric: Well why don't you go sit down and try to figure it out. We have some very nice tables outside.

(Customer twitches, shakes, and meeps, then whirls around and exits in a noisy whiny fuss. Eric laughs.)

Eric: I love fucking with people. (slurp.)

(A table of 3 FRAT BOYS suddenly grows louder.)

Frat Boy 1: …And he woke up and someone had drawn a penis on his face!

Frat Boy 2: Hah no way! Sucks, man.

Frat Boy 1: Yeah that's what Aristocrat does to people. Or Crat, as we on the streets call it. (weird snorty laughing-type noise)

Frat Boy 2: Makes them penis magnets?

(Frat Boy 3 cackles, something along the lines of a duck being strangled but having fun at the same time.)

Frat Boy 1: Pshhhhhhyeah! I had half a bottle of that shit the other night and I was WAAASTED!

(Frat Boy 3 laughs again in similar fashion.)

Frat Boy 2: Yeah, the best part was when you threw up all over that girl's boobs!

Frat Boy 1: Hey, I didn't throw up on her boobs… Just around the general boob area.

(Loud frat boy laughter from all three.)

Frat Boy 2: Eh, she was a shot away from passing out anyway, so it doesn't matter.

Frat Boy 1: Yep. Job well done bitches!

(Eric walks out from behind the counter with a cup of coffee. He goes to the frat boy table, pretends to throw up, and dumps coffee on Frat Boy 1's head instead of vomit.)

Eric: Ah, man, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm not sorry fuck you.

Frat Boy 1: Hey what's your problem man!!!

Eric: I have the stomach flu and my puke looks and smells like coffee. I also have Turrett's, and probably shouldn't be working- FUCK!- but I'm a trooper. Fuckface.

Frat Boy 2: Dude, come on, we should go. We oughta be at class now anyway, sitting in the back laughing until someone glares at us.

(Frat Boy 3 laughs loudly again, and exit.)

Sara: Dammit Eric! Do I have to chain you to the counter every time a frat boy walks in?

Eric: I'm going to make a list. No, two lists. One of the people who are completely 100% unique, and one of... (scoff) everyone else.

Sara: (rolls eyes) Good luck with that.

(ORCHID, a bohemian-looking girl in a long sundress and bandana wrapped around her hair, approaches the counter carrying a picket sign.)

Eric: Can I help you?

Orchid: Can I get 30 bottles of water please?

Eric: Uh.. we definitely don't have that much.

Orchid: (quickly growing in anger) Oh, but I bet you could give us 30 cups of coffee! Anything to satisfy the insatiable appetite of the capitalist consumer! Whore!

Eric: Dude, why did you even come in here if you're protesting coffee?

Orchid: I'm not. (holds up sign saying FUR IS MURDER in huge red letters next to the drawing of a cat head with tongue sticking out and X's for eyes.) I'm just very opinionated, and I fire off easy. And you'll just have to excuse that. Could I have 30 chais please?

(ERIC stares.)

Eric: (squeaks) …..Sara! Help!

(Sara magically whirls out of the backroom with a tray of 30 bottles stacked on top of each other.)

Sara: (smiles) Saw you coming, Orchid! How are you doing today?

Orchid: Every day an animal is killed, I weep a little on the inside.

Sara: …Yeahhh. Well, best of luck with the protest!

(Orchid takes the tray and sits at a table, counting to see if there are exactly thirty, and then counting again. Eric watches quizzically as MIKE, cocky in a polo shirt, walks in and goes behind the counter.)

Mike: Sup, guys?

(Eric glares.)

Eric: Is this the new guy?

Sara: Yep. Mike, this is Eric. Eric, Mike.

(The boys shake hands.)

Mike: Sup.

Sara: And right now, Mike is saving my ass, because I'm done for the day. Catch you later boys! (she exits)

(They look at each other. Awkward silence.)

Mike: So… uh… you been working here long?

Eric: When I popped out of the womb I was serving coffee.

Mike: …Okay. I'm gonna go work the coffee machine, okay?

Eric: (quickly) Yeah you do that.

(A customer walks up to the counter. Eric turns and acknowledges.)

Eric: What can I get ya?

Customer 3: Medium toffee almond coffee?

(Eric turns to Mike, who is blatantly staring at a girl (who is not Orchid) sitting at a table SR.)

Eric: Hello?

Mike: What?

Eric: Are you okay?

Mike: I'm fine. Just zoning out.

Eric: Well, want to do your job instead?

(Mike groans, takes a cup, fills it, and gives it to the customer. Customer puts money on counter and leaves. Eric laughs and shakes his head.)

Eric: Huh. Zoning out on a hot girl. Coincidence?

Mike: Shut up. You know her?

(Silence. Mike glares.)

Mike: Well?

Eric: You told me to shut up, so I did.

Mike: Okay, great. Whatever. Forget it.

Eric: I do know her. I used to go out with her.

Mike: (newly fascinated) Really?

Eric: Yep. Broke my heart. Such a tease. Had like, 6 guys after her at the same time.

Mike: (smirking) Really?

Eric: Yep. What, does that make her hotter or something?

Mike: Thrill of the chase friend, (pats ERIC on back) Thrill of the chase. I'll be back.

(Mike schmoozes past the counter and goes to her table.)

Mike: Sup?

Girl: (looks up from book, perplexed) …Not much?

Mike: What're you reading there? Some, uh, chick lit?

Girl: Uh, no, actually A Brief History of Time by Steven Hawking. (shows book)

Mike: (awkwardly) ..Oh. You mean the guy in the wheelchair who (cocks head against shoulder, imitating his computer voice) talks like he's retarded?

Girl: (offended) Shouldn't you be working?

Mike: Hmm? Oh, heh, yeah. Well, I was wondering if I had, uh, any chance in hell of going out with someone like you? I was talking to Eric over there and he said you were a great girl.

Girl: (really confused) …Oh. That's nice… but I've never seen him before. And I have a boyfriend. Thanks though.

(She goes back to reading her book. Mike, crestfallen, looks up at Eric, who grins hugely and gives him two thumbs up. Blackout.)

Scene 2

(Lights up on Eric and Sara attending to customers. Orchid is sitting at one of the tables reading, and Lucy is standing on the customer side of the counter, chatting with Sara and others. Rick's voice bellows out of the back room.)

Rick: FLIRTING WITH CUSTOMERS??? Are you trying to get us into a lawsuit????

Sara: (to Eric) That was pretty cruel of you.

Eric: I didn't do anything! He took what I said and ran with it, and made an ass out of himself. It wasn't my fault.

Sara: You lied to him!

Eric: I didn't tell him to talk to her! And come on, you didn't like him either. You could probably sue him too.

Sara: He did try to grab my ass once.

Eric: Just once?

Rick: GO GET YOUR MACKITY MACK OR WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS ON SOMEWHERE ELSE! NOT IN THE WORK PLACE!

(Eric and Sara snicker.)

Eric: Think he'll be let off with a warning?

Sara: Oh, he'll definitely get fired. Rick doesn't mess around with sexual harassment stuff.

(Mike shuffles sadly out of the back room and makes his way offstage.)

Mike: Screw you guys. (exit)

(RICK, tall, graying, and attractive, explodes out of the back room, fuming. Glares at SARA and ERIC.)

Rick: AND IF EITHER ONE OF YOU EVER DOES THAT, I'LL DO THE SAME DAMN THING TO YOU! (exits)

(Sara snickers.)

Eric: Sara, no, this sucks! Now he's going to have to hire someone else!

Sara: Yeah, someone who isn't a frat boy asshole!

Eric: No, I mean it! You think the customers here are weird, you should see some of the people who try to work at coffeehouses!

Sara: What are you talking about?

Eric: Well, for starters, there's Arty Stoner Man.

(A guy walks out of the back room with glazed over eyes and a huge grin.)

Stoner Man: Wuzhappnin guyyyys.

Eric: Quickly fired when customers start getting a little too happy from our scones.

(Stoner Man frowns and exits.)

Eric: Then there's I-Don't-Like-to-Shower Man.

(Shower Man walks out from the back room, leering. Stringy hair is a necessity in this situation.)

Eric: Can't imagine why he got fired!

(Shower Man sulks offstage.)

Eric: Then in desperation Rick hires his 6 year old daughter, Sharlie.

(A little girl walks out of the room.)

Sharlie: I can count to TWEEEE FOUFZANNN!

(Eric pats her on the head. She exits.)

Lucy: Well, you gotta admit, for every weird one that comes in here, there a million hot ones.

Eric: I thought you were gay?

(Chloe, stereotypical preppy sorority girl, walks in. Lucy grins.)

Sara: Lucy!

Lucy: Just kidding, baby.

Eric: (to Chloe) Hi, what can I get you?

Chloe: (giggles) Um, a small coffee?

Eric: Dollar twenty five.

Chloe: Oh wow, you have the BEST eyes! I bet you hear that a lot.

(Eric laughs, shoots a cocky look at Lucy, who sticks her tongue out at him.)

Eric: Nah, I never get that, actually.

(Sara slams a cup in front of Eric.)

Chloe: Wow that was fast! (Giggles) So is it really true that all coffeehouse guys have really cool indie girlfriends?

Eric: Heh, nah. I'm… actually not dating anyone right now.

(Chloe lights up.)

Chloe: Really! Well, I-

(Orchid heaves a half eaten apple at Chloe's head. She squeaks and passes out. Lucy gasps. Sara runs from behind the counter and kneels next to her.)

Sara: Oh God! Is she okay??

Lucy: (yells at her) ARE YOU OKAY?

Eric: Dude, what kind of shit is this?

Lucy: (mocking) Dude, she might have a concussion! Who threw that??

(They look at Orchid, who smiles innocently and looks at the older man (Customer 4) sitting next to her, who is unfortunately eating fruit.)

Eric: Dude, man! Did you freaking drop it?

Sara: Look surfer boy, go take her to the hospital.

Eric: Why?!

Lucy: Jesus I don't know! Did they tell you what to do when someone heaves fruit at a customer?

Eric: I vote we just keep this dude under house arrest.

Customer 4: (mouth full) Buht ahh didunt doo ennyfin!

Sara: Eric if you say dude one more time I'm going to shove this apple up you a-

Orchid: (leaping up from her chair) Stop it stop it! You're tearing me apart!

(They stare at her. She beams.)

Orchid: (proudly) He didn't throw it. I did.

Eric, Lucy, and Sara: WHY!

Orchid: (smiling sweetly) Because I'm a jealous, hateful bitch. Buh byeee!

(She walks out. Eric and Lucy stare.)

Sara: Why aren't you going after her?!

Eric: Because I'm afraid she'll either try to kill me or mount me.

Lucy: (smirk) Or both.

(Eric shoots her a look. She grins and shrugs. Blackout.)

Scene 3

(Lights up on Eric, cleaning the counter by himself. Orchid enters. Eric coughs.)

Eric: Well, this is awkward.

Orchid: I'm going to order something. Aren't you happy?

Eric: What do you want?

Orchid: Small sugar-free chai, skim milk.

Eric: I figured.

Orchid: What?

Eric: You hippie girls always order that. It's sooo exotic and cultured of you.

Orchid: Go screw yourself.

Eric: And the claws come out again! Rawr!

(ORCHID smirks.)

Orchid: You're trying to hit on me.

(ERIC pauses, chokes, turns red.)

Orchid: Well that certainly shut you up.

Eric: Excuse me while I vomit.

Orchid: And such a gentleman too! May I have my drink please sweetie pie?

(ERIC glares, puts cup on counter. ORCHID giggles squeakily and bats her eyelashes.)

Orchid: Tee hee! Thanks love! Buh-bye!

(Exit ORCHID. SARA walks out of the backroom, grins.)

Sara: She grab you by the balls again?

Eric: Would you just shut the hell up?

(She laughs. He glares. Chloe stumbles out of the room, carrying stacks of coffee cups, knocks them onto the ground, and squeals in annoyance.)

Chloe: It's official. I suck! (a customer walks in as Chloe starts picking them up while Eric refuses to help)

Eric: (to Sara) Wait- when did we give her a job?

Sara: After she threatened to sue if we didn't. (to customer) Hi, what can I get you?

Customer 5: A tall iced caramel macchiato please?

Sara: (calling) Tall iced caramel macchiato!

(Pause. She looks at Chloe, who is staring into space.)

Sara: Chloe? You want to take care of that?

(Chloe jumps and squeaks.)

Chloe: Sorry! (she starts fiddling around and making the drink)

Sara: What were you looking at outside?

(Chloe fidgets nervously. Sara smirks.)

Sara: Chloe, are you a coffee shop whore?

Chloe: (horrified) NO! …What? I'm… I'm working! But I don't know, hot people just SIT out there! Like that guy right there. (points offstage) That guy is Sexy Smoking Man, and he's EVERYWHERE. Every coffee shop in the country has a sexy, smoking man sitting outside being generally beautiful and ripe with carcinogens. It's just a fact! There's also Sexy-Guitar-Man, Sexy-Brooding-Poet-Man, and Sexy-Preppy-Man-on-a-Computer-with-Headphones.

Sara: (to Eric) She's been hanging around you too long already.

Chloe: (gasp!) Hooooooly crap he just took off his jacket!

Sara: So why not just go outside and talk to him?

Eric: Because she's working!

Chloe: (bitter) There is also Pain-in-the-Ass-Jealous-Coffee-House-Worker-Who-Makes-Snide-Comments.

Sara: Well, Sexy Smoking Man ordered a bagel sandwich. Go bring it out to him.

Eric: No refunds if you spaz out and drop it on his crotch.

Chloe: Ohhhhh God, he's rolling a cigarette. Really, really slowly.

Eric: Well you play your cards right and that won't be the only thing he's rolling.

(Awkward silence.)

Sara: In the future will you please use innuendo that makes sense? (to Chloe) Go on honey, just take it one step at a time.

(Sara hands the plate to Chloe, who shakes it violently.)

Eric: Easy there! Deep breaths!

(Chloe nods, walks off shakily. Eric tends to customers while Sara watches the scene outside, face bright and hopeful, until suddenly she cringes.)

Sara: We have a direct face plant! Oh God!

(Sadly, Sara pulls out a 5 dollar bill and hands it to Eric. Chloe shuffles onstage in defeat and goes behind the counter.)

Chloe: I…I…

Sara: (pats her on the back) I know honey, we saw the whole thing. It happens to the best of us. Want to go into the back room and make two frozen chais?

(Chloe nods, sniffles, and goes into the backroom.)

Eric: So I guess pretty soon you guys will have a new member of the L-clan.

Sara: Eric, you're such a witty little dumb ass.

Eric: (grin) But I'm your witty little dumb ass!

(Orchid enters and marches up to the counter.)

Orchid: What is your stance on killing babies?

Eric: It's a fun hobby but I could never do it for a living.

Orchid: Well a baby cow DIED to make your jacket! (she turns to leave, turns around again) And your parents don't love you!

(Orchid storms out as Chloe comes back out with two chais.)

Sara: Don't tell me you pissed off Angry Hippie Girl.

Eric: Is she a psychopath?

Sara: She's always been really friendly to me and Lucy, actually.

(Chloe looks out and loudly gasps in horror.)

Chloe: And she's sitting next to Sexy Smoking Man!!!!!

(They all look up.)

Chloe: I'm going to go into the backroom and kill myself!

Sara: That might go against company policy.

Eric: We have a company policy?

Sara: Honey, if you keep looking out the window Mr. Preppy Laptop Man is going to think you're stalking him.

Chloe: Well maybe I am! (sigh) I just can't get enough of his alligator.

(Awkward pause and stares from customers.)

Chloe: ..On his shirt? The Lacoste alligator?

(Another pause.)

Chloe: That preppy people- Does no one here recognize brand names????

(ORCHID leaps onstage.)

Orchid: WHOEVER JUST SAID LACOSTE IS GETTING THIS IN THE EYES!

(Chloe yelps and ducks. Sara and Eric point at each other.)

Eric: Do you agree with me now that everyone here is fucking crazy?

(Blackout)

Scene 4
(Lights up on Lucy and Eric making drinks and attending to a small line of customers. A man is sitting at one of the tables, playing a guitar, completely wrapped up in himself and singing with gut wrenching emotion.)

Guitarist: You ripped my heart in half
Splattered on the flooooooor
So whyyyyyy is it thaaaaat
You're who I adoooooore?

Lucy: (to Eric) Don't say a word.

Eric: Why not! He's polluting the air with that shit!

Guitarist: I can't breeeeeathe anymore
You made the world dark
I can't seeeee anymore
But if I could I'd die again
You like your coffee black
Just like your soul!

(Eric approaches him. Guitarist doesn't acknowledge him, just keeps strumming.)

Eric: First of all, your rhyme scheme sucks. Secondly, you're not creative, or a nonconformist. You're one of thousands trying to be different by doing the same thing as everyone else. That's all.

(Eric laughs, shakes his head, and goes to walk away before looking back.)

Eric: In closing, here's a haiku to let you know how much you suck.
(counts syllables on his hands)
Emo isn't cool
In fact it's overrated
(pause, thinks)
…You're a fuck face.

(As Eric goes to walk back to the counter, Guitarist looks up, mystified.)

Guitarist: Do I know you?

(Eric stops.)

Eric: No. But it doesn't matter. It sucks.

Guitarist: Songs don't need to rhyme, man.

Eric: Not if they're good, maybe.

Guitarist: (calm, not angry) So what do you think I should do?

(Pause.)

Eric: Seriously?

Guitarist: Yeah. Yeah, I really want to know what you think I should do. Do you play guitar a lot? What else should I do?

Eric: (moment of weakness) ….Not be a fuckface?

Guitarist: Fuckface isn't a word, man. (smiles) Thanks. So constructive.

(Guitarist resumes paying attention to his strumming. After staring at him for a brief pause, Eric slowly makes his way to the counter and addresses a customer.)

Eric: (in passive aggressive fury) What do you want?

Customer 6: …Coffee?

Eric: Tall, grande, or fucking huge?

Customer 6: …Tall?

Eric: Are you asking me or telling me?

Customer 6: (somewhat scared) I'm.. asking you?

Eric: Are you sure?

Customer 6: Yes?

(ERIC laughs and slams a Styrofoam cup onto the counter. The customer, weirded out hardcore, takes it and walks over to a coffee pot on the counter to fill it up.)

Eric: Heyheyhey! Those things cost money!

(Customer shoots him a confused look, realizes, and hands him money.)

Eric: Thanks babydoll.

(Customer shakes head, finishes filling up the cup, then exits.)

Lucy: Eric, what the hell is your problem?

Eric: I'm sick of all of it.

Lucy: All of what?

Eric: Seeing the same people every damn day.

Lucy: Like who?

Eric: Like Mr. Fucking Popped Collar and Miss Perfect Hair Ribbon and Mr. So Damn Serious College Student.

Lucy: Is that why you're nasty to all of them?

Eric: Because they're faceless clones that are fun to mess with? Maybe if they did something unique I'd be nicer.

Lucy: What constitutes uniqueness?

Eric: I don't know! Finding a voice without listening to the one society dictates for you?

(Lucy nods.)

Lucy: But what if you do that and, coincidentally, your voice sounds a lot like what society wants?

(Eric freezes.)

Lucy: What if, despite your best efforts, you're really not that original?

(She walks off. Eric stands there frozen, dumbfounded. A customer approaches.)

Eric: (weakly) What do you want?

Customer 7: What do you want me to want?

(Panicked expression from Eric. Blackout.)


Scene 5

(Lights up to curtains concealing the bar and tables. ORCHID is lying down on the stage, looking up. ERIC enters, walking to work. He does a double take.)

Eric: What are you doing?

Orchid: It's a pretty view.

Eric: On the sidewalk!

Orchid: God, the sky is blue. Really blue.

Eric: Are you on drugs?

Orchid: I'm high on life, sugar baby. You should try it. It's better than caffeine.

Eric: (scoff) Tell me about it. I'm a firm believer that caffeine kills people.

Orchid: And you work at a coffee shop, which means you like to kill people, which makes you sadistic.

Eric: Hey, if I could get another job, I would.

Orchid: And you don't because…?

Eric: I've tried! But holy shit, I cannot get fired to save my life! I mess up drinks, I yell at people, I tell people to their faces that their order is bad for them, and you know what? Last week I got a freaking PAY RAISE! I swear my head almost exploded!

Orchid: So why don't you quit?

Eric: (pause) Because I don’t think I could get a better job.

Orchid: Sure you could. Just quit, then you can come hang out with me at your old workplace and it would be awesomely awkward.

(ERIC laughs.)

Eric: Wait, are we actually having a civil conversation?

Orchid: Why yes sir, I believe we are.

Eric: And are you still lying on the sidewalk?

Orchid: Yep. You should try it.

(ERIC laughs again.)

Eric: What the hell. (lies down next to her.) So how good are you at therapy?

Orchid: Spectacular. What's wrong?

Eric: (heavy sigh, he throws his hands over his face) I'm not original.

Orchid: Buh-buh-buh-buh?

Eric: I'M NOT ORIGINAL!

(Beat.)

Orchid: And?

Eric: AND THAT SUCKS!

Orchid: Why?

(Eric sits up, looking like he might cry. Orchid follows suit and sits up.)

Eric: Becau-- Because now I can't be an asshole to everyone anymore.

Orchid: Howwww tragic.

Eric: No you don't get it! You… you're SO damn weird.

Orchid: Sweet boy. Knows just what to say to a girl.

Eric: No.. really. How are you… how are you so different from everyone?

Orchid: I'm not.

Eric: Oh come on.

Orchid: (laugh) No, I'm really not! You know your little friend Chloe? I used to be president of her sorority.

(Eric's jaw hangs open in silence.)

Eric: ..WHAT?!

(Orchid grins.)

Orchid: You had to find out sometime.

Eric: A SORORITY?!

Orchid: Yes, honey doll.

Eric: Wha… what happened?

(Orchid shrugs)

Orchid: I got sick of it. One day in a meeting I literally stood up, said "Fuck all of you I quit," and turned in my Polo sundress.

Eric: But-- you were one of-

Orchid: And now I'm a crazy-ass hippie. Wonder what I'll be tomorrow.

(She pats him on the back.)

Orchid: Keep your chin up, kiddo.

Eric: So wait… are we friends now?

Orchid: Why yes sir, I believe we are.

(Pause.)

Eric: I don't think you're crazy.

Orchid: I don't think you're an asshole.

(ERIC smirks.)

Eric: Nicest thing you ever said to me.

(Blackout)

Scene 6

(Back at the coffeeshop. A "Closed" sign is on the counter. Eric is sweeping. Chloe walks out of the back room, beaming.)

Chloe: (proudly) I just made my first smoothie.

Eric: …Great?

Chloe: They're really hard to make, but I made one. Do I get a pay raise now?

Eric: (flatly, but gets gradually angrier) Yes, you get a raise, when five or six people have already been doing it in half the time as you, AND when you were supposed to be helping me close! What is wrong with you? I'm supposed to be proud of you for that?

(He knocks the smoothie over, scoffs.)

Eric: (mock enthusiasm) Oh, great! Now you get to clean the counter too! (shoves rag at her) It's just a night of firsts for you! Make sure Sexy Smoking Man doesn't see you on your knees! Might turn him on or something.

(ERIC picks up a broom and continues sweeping. CHLOE bitterly wipes smoothie off the counter top. He looks over and scoffs.)

Eric: Great. You missed a spot. God dammit..

(Chloe glares at him, fuming.)

Chloe: (shrieky explosion) What is your problem, Eric??? People come here and just want coffee, and you treat them like crap! What's wrong? Haven't been with a girl in a while?

Eric: Sexual harassment could get you fired.

Chloe: Oh, but you can say whatever you want, and nothing will happen!

Eric: Shut up, please. I'm trying to close.

Chloe: (furious, hurls down towel) You can have fun doing that all on your own!

(She exits. ERIC perks up and turns around after she leaves, then keeps sweeping. Orchid walks in after a moment.)

Orchid: What are you doing?

Eric: (confused) ..Closing?

Orchid: Ahh.

Eric: ..That means you shouldn't be here.

Orchid: That's just a suggestion.

Eric: Oh. Okay.. So, uh.. what do you want?

(She walks up to the counter and drops a flower on it.)

Orchid: Have a nice night.

(She smiles, leaves. ERIC stares after, walks over and picks up flower.)

Eric: Daisy. Huh.

(He shakes his head, even smiles, briefly, before putting the flower back on the counter and going back to sweeping. There is suddenly a frantic knock at the door. He goes to answer it, and ORCHID leaps onstage, kisses him, and leaps out a second later. ERIC stumbles backwards in shock, and slowly begins to smile.)

(Blackout.)

Scene 7

(ERIC is wiping the counter down, bobbing his head to "Take My Breath Away" or any kind of 80's-fab rock ballad. SARA walks in, shocked.)

Sara: 80's?

Eric: (dancing) Yep.

Sara: Top Gun?

Eric: Yep!

Sara: Take My Breath Away??????

(ERIC nods perkily, starts singing the chorus, terribly, when RICK enters. SARA freezes while ERIC continues dancing, even singing to some of the customers until he sees RICK. Music stops abruptly and he starts choking.)

RICK: Working hard, huh?

Eric: (sputtering) Uh, um, yeah.

(SARA tries to suppress a smirk.)

RICK: Would the two of you happen to know why Chloe quit yesterday?

SARA: What??

RICK: Chloe quit yesterday after claiming irreconcilable differences with a fellow employee.

ERIC: But we still get joint custody of the kids.

(SARA and RICK stare at ERIC. He coughs.)

ERIC: I really need to shut up sometimes.

(SARA nods.)

RICK: What could you possibly have done to make Mary Sunshine quit?

ERIC: Well. Let's see. I knocked over the first smoothie she ever made, made her clean it up, and then treated her like a four year old. So in short, I would say she quit because I was my usual shitty self. (chuckles) How do you like that?

SARA: You dumb ass! (Cheerily, to a customer) Hi, may I take your order?

RICK: Eric, if I'm losing employees because you can't keep your mouth shut, something is seriously wrong with this situation. (sadly) I hate doing this, because you're one of my favorites… but I have to let you go.

ERIC and SARA: What??

SARA: Rick, are you sure about this?

RICK: Yeah. (heavy breath) Yeah, I am. If someone is lucky enough to get the job they want here, they shouldn't have to be harassed by people who aren't even their superiors. Eric, I'm sorry. We wish you luck in the future. (extends hand)

(ERIC looks down, slowly shakes hand, and walks away.)

(Blackout on all but ERIC, who is spotlighted as he walks to a bench, sits, and shoves his face into his hands. ORCHID walks by, sees him, and sits down next to him.)

ORCHID: Why the long face, cowboy?

ERIC: (face still in hands) I just got fired.

ORCHID: What?

ERIC: (throws head back) I just got FIRED!

ORCHID: Isn't that what you were trying to do in the first place?

ERIC: (guiltily) Yes…

ORCHID: So what's wrong?

ERIC: I don't know. Now that it happened I feel like the biggest asshole ever. And it doesn't even make sense! The other day I worked the counter with no pants on! And NO ONE NOTICED! But when I say something condescending, THAT'S when I get fired.

(ORCHID tilts her head.)

ORCHID: That was pretty dramatic. Are you finished?

(ERIC nods.)

ORCHID: Well, I'm sorry that happened. But now you can go find a better paying job and still hang out there with me and make your boss nervous! (beams) It'll be fun!

ERIC: (suddenly sits up) What happened last night?

ORCHID: (startled) Um, well, sir, I do believe I brought you a flower. (loud gasp) Is that why you got fired?

ERIC: Gave me a flower and what?

(ORCHID rolls her eyes.)

ORCHID: And had sex with you on the counter. It was just a kiss, Eric.

ERIC: I know I know. And I've been thinking about it. Listen, I know we're different. Really different.

ORCHID: Not that different.

ERIC: Whatever. It's just that, I think even if we're different, this could-

ORCHID: You don't want to date me, Eric.

ERIC: ..I don't?

ORCHID: No, you don't, because I'm (waves hands) SCARY, remember?

(ERIC laughs.)

ORCHID: I'm serious! I'm the one who lies down on sidewalks, who goes to protests, who yells at people for no reason! You'd get tired of me so fast… (smirks) And plus, I wouldn't want you to have to compete with my as-yet-to-be-named boyfriend.

ERIC: As-yet-to-be-named?

ORCHID: Mhm! I don't know who he is or where he's from yet, but he is devastatingly handsome, and the most charming man in the world, and that's just not fair for you.

ERIC: (completely confused.) Uhhhhhh-huh. Well, there is one thing I have for you, even if you won't go out with me. It's not the same one you gave me. I picked this one on the way to getting fired. (pulls flower out of his jacket and gives it to her.) Here.

(She takes it and smiles, smelling it.)

ORCHID: Huh. A daisy.

(They look at each other for a beat. ORCHID leaps on top of him, knocking him onto his back, and starts kissing him. ERIC pulls away to try and breathe.)

ERIC: (gasping) Are we dating now?

ORCHID: Do you consider this a date?

ERIC: (grinning) Why yes ma'am, I believe I do.

(They continue kissing. Blackout.)

Scene 8
(Scene is back in the coffee shop. Chloe mans the counter as Orchid and Eric sit at one table. At the other sits a well-dressed guy wearing enormous glasses with a preppy girl, very obviously on a date. They talk silently as Orchid watches them, grinning.)

Orchid: (soft, to Eric) This is adorable. They don't know what to say to each other. They're just wildly talking into each other's eyes until one of them breaks.

(Eric laughs, somewhat nervously.)

Eric: This is fun, right. We're having fun.

(Orchid playfully looks at him like he is an idiot, then returns her gaze to the couple, making up voices for them.)

Orchid: (low, Eeyore-sounding, mocking the boy) Hum deedum dum dummmm magnets are fun! I like Physics! I want to make things blow up when I grow up. (screechy, high-pitched, mocking girl) Eeeeeeeeeeeeee my dad bought me something really expensive because he can afford it because he's a physisisicist! (Eeyore) Well I don't do it for money dum dum dumm must keep talking!

Eric: Ahhh this IS awkward!

Orchid: Awkwardness is 95% in perception. Relax baby!

Eric: I'm "baby" now?

Orchid: (groan) See! You're so used to thriving on creating awkward situations that now you think every scenario is one!

Eric: Because THIS--

Orchid: Is a boy and a girl sitting at a coffee house. That's it. Don't analyze!

Eric: (stands) I'm going to order something.

Orchid: Breathtaking.

Eric: It'll be fine. I'll be fine.

Orchid: Thanks for offering to order me something.

Eric: Well what do you want?

Orchid: Chai. Small, hot, no-fat. Like I like my men. (grin)

Eric: (defensive) Hey, I am NOT- (realizes he is standing in front of Chloe, who is not amused) --Heyyyyy, Chloe!

Chloe: Hey.

(Awful pause.)

Eric: You…. got your job back!

Chloe: Rick threw it at me after he fired you.

(Another pause.)

Eric: Greeeeat! Hey, could I um.. get a small chai? With skim milk?

Chloe: (calling) Lucy can you make a small skim chai?

(Lucy appears from the back room, sees Eric, and grins.)

Lucy: Well someone's brave!

Eric: Hi Lucy. How's Sara?

Lucy: Pretty good. Would die if she knew you were here. You ordered a chai?

Eric: Yes….

Lucy: (laughs) Look who's gay now, huh?

Chloe: Not gay. Dating Angry Hippie Girl.

(Lucy gasps and grins. Chloe bitterly pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to Lucy.)

Chloe: You win.

Lucy: Lovely! I'll go make that chai now. Catch you later baby!

(She goes into the back room. Another awful silence.)

Chloe: That'll be two seventy five.

(He hands her change.)

Eric: Chloe, I was an asshole. I don't know why I did that.

Chloe: Because you're a boy who doesn't think.

Eric: Ha. Yeah, actually, I guess that's it. (sarcastic) Wow. Thanks for summing up every single thing that's wrong with me in one sentence. I thought I was complex or something.

Chloe: Is this you trying to apologize? Because you suck at it.

Eric: All right! I'm sorry! I'm sorry I was a dick, I'm sorry that I made you, a sweet little ball of sunshine, despise me. Blame it on testosterone or not having had sex in a while. Or… both? Anyway, Chloe, I'm really, genuinely, honest to God……. Sorry.

(Chloe smiles slowly.)

Chloe: That's better. (pause) We miss seeing you around here.

(Eric smiles. Lucy comes out of the back room with chai in hand.)

Lucy: One extra whipped chai. (grins) Get it??????

Eric: HAHAHAHA No. (grins anyway, takes drink) Thanks Lucy.

Lucy: No problem. Come back again, Eric.

(He walks back to the table and sits.)

Orchid: How did it go????

Eric: It was…. great.

Orchid: Wonderful! Gimme my drink.

(He laughs and hands it to her, stares off thoughtfully.)

Eric: I oughta open up one of my own of these someday.

Orchid: Only if I can be an eccentric old lady who sits outside and throws cats at children.

Eric: I was hoping we could use that as a draw for customers actually.

Orchid: Great! Just let me round up a herd of mangy felines first.

(They laugh and kiss. Their conversation fades out as the general hubbub of the coffee shop takes over. The lights gradually go down.)

The End!