3 scenes from a comedy

1. Morning

[First scene. L.G. is up in the morning getting ready for work. He walks out of room towards the bathroom only to find sponge is already there.]

L.G.
[knocks] Sponge? Is that you?

Sponge
[sarcastic] Mom? Is that you?

L.G.
What are you doing up so early, it’s only 8am?

Sponge
Who says I’m up? I havent been down yet

L.G.
So what did you do when I went to bed?

Sponge
Oh you know….stuff

L.G.
Porn?

Sponge
Well it’s the only time I have the computer to myself with no interuptions

L.G.
Whatever just open up I’m going to be late for work and I gotta be ready for this big visit from-ok now whats this?

[sponge opens the bathroom door. He’s topless and has shaving foam under both armpits.]

Sponge
I’m shaving

L.G.
You shave your pits?

Sponge
You betcha

L.G.
How long has this been going on?

Sponge
14 years

L.G.
Why?

Sponge
[goes back to shaving] well I did it once when I was 15, you know, outa boredom.

L.G.
And?

Sponge
Well I tried to let it grow back but the stubble nearly killed me, I just couldn’t do it. Its been my secret shame since then.

L.G.
[reluctantly] you didn’t happen to shave anywhere else that day did you?

[Sponge walks over to L.G. with a grin on his face]

Sponge
Oh yeah! Now that I’m very happy with. Everythings proportionately…much bigger!

L.G.
Size always been a problem has it?

Sponge
Quite the contrary my friend, sometimes it feels like more than I can handle.

L.G.
But you still try everytime I go to bed huh?

Sponge
[mock hurt] Low blow

L.G.
I think that’s something both our lives have been lacking!

[Sponge laughs]

L.G.
Why do you have to do this now just when your going to bed and I have to get ready for work?

Sponge
L.G., this is the best time to do all these things. All those people that have showers in the mornings AFTER they’ve slept, they’re idiots. If you have a shower just before you go to bed, you smell nice, you feel good, your in for a hell of a nights sleep. If you go to bed sweaty, smelly, irritable, then your in for a rough night. That’s why half of Dublin is so uptight.

L.G.
Morning showers?

Sponge
You got it. Listen, you grab a coffee, ill be out in 4 minutes.










2. Lunch Time

[L.G. and his friend in work Cloe chat on their lunch break over coffee. They are in a quiet booth sitting opposite each other and Cloe is snacking on a bag of peanuts.]

Cloe
So have you talked to Jenny yet?

L.G.
Nah, theres no point.

Cloe
You shoould at least stay friends, you have all this history.

L.G.
What do you say to someone you where with for almost 10 years?

Cloe
[smiling] I don’t know, “why did you never do me?” maybe.

L.G.
[put out] Hey! We were saving ourselves for marriage!

Cloe
[aside] Yeah right.

L.G.
What the hell does that mean?

Cloe
It means she was getting it from somewhere. No one can go 10 years without getting some and stay sane, that’s how people turn into psychopaths!

L.G.
I stayed celibate with her.

Cloe
Exactly, and look at you.

L.G.
You know your- ah, your right, if a woman so much as glances at me now I lose control of my central nervous system. Yesterday I was leaning against a bus stop, some girl in a suit walked by and I lost all power in my limbs. i smashed into the ground like I had rigamortis, I almost broke my jaw. Listen you can still hear it when I do this…

[L.G. contorts his face in a ridiculous, repulsive manner]

Cloe
[disgusted] No good! [shakes head] This is no good at all!

[both take a drink from their coffee’s]

L.G.
And you wanna know the worst part?

Cloe
Yeah

L.G.
[looks over shoulder to see if anyones listening]…ok but you gotta promise never to tell anyone, I havent said this to anyone.

Cloe
Ooooh, sounds juicy.

L.G.
Believe me, you’ll be mulling this one over for weeks.

Cloe
Well spit it out then.

L.G.
She’s eh…she’s

Cloe
She’s what?

L.G.
She’s doing porn now.

Cloe
[lifts hand back] NO. [slaps L.G. in face] WAY.

L.G.
Yeah! Cheap, dirty, degrading, amateur, internet porn.

Cloe
Oh my God! I don’t believe you. How do you know?

L.G.
I saw it with my own two eyes.

Cloe
[confused] When?

L.G.
Well…I had nothing to do one evening and eh… no one was in the house so I eh…

Cloe
So you checked out some cheap, dirty, degrading, amateur, internet porn for some fun?

L.G.
[flustered]It was a blind link, I couldn’t close it, that’s not important.

Cloe
How did you know it was her?

L.G.
Please

Cloe
No really

L.G.
…When we were going out I used to sneak a peak when she was asleep… occasionally… just to see what I was missing!

Cloe
That’s a little sick

L.G.
Whatever

Cloe
Aw, you poor thing, what did you do?

L.G.
Well after I finished I went into my room and just cried myself to sleep looking at our old photographs.

Cloe
Aaaww that’s- wait a minute

[L.G. realises what he’s said]

Cloe
“After I finished”, you finished?

L.G.
[shouts] It was as close as I ever got!

Cloe
Wow! You need a girlfriend

L.G.
Oh we’re having the obvious conversation today, yeah?....[defiantly] You wear too much make up!

Cloe
You bitch!












3. Scoops

[Sponge and L.G. are sitting around bored watching t.v. they’re talking about the words people use to describe drink and all things drink related.]

Sponge
Did you know that ‘scoops’ is an old english term for drinking that came about in the 16th century when people used to make homemade beer in fields and scoop it out of a barrell and drink it?

L.G.
Really?

Sponge
Oh yeah. And ‘jars’ too. That word comes from the same epoch

L.G.
Epoch?

Sponge
Epoch! You see people couldn’t afford glasses or cups back then so they’d clean out coffee jars and scoop out some brew and [makes gulping noise and drinking sign with hand] have a few jars.

L.G.
They couldn’t afford a cup yet there was always enough coffee jars to go around! Much coffee in 16th century England?

Sponge
Well jam jars then

L.G.
Are you making all of this up?

Sponge
[looks insulted]…Yeah I am! Sounds true though

L.G.
Had me going