first entry

I'm having an affair. I'm 28 and married to a great guy for 8 years. He's wonderul, sexy, funny, tender, caring, adventurous, smart, ambituous, handsome, trusthworthy, ... and I can go on for while. He's everything I ever wanted, but apparently not everything I need. Why else would I stray?

I cannot explain why, but I did. I didn't look for an affair, didn't think I needed one. My relationship was perfect. Well, maybe not that perfect, I had a few complaints. No one's perfect. My husband is sometimes too responsible, too trustwothy, too ambituous, not adventurous enough for my taste, too organised. But all these things always seemed small and meaningless compared to all the great times we have. The passion has slowly died away. But I always knew that would happen. You can't expect to retain that urgent and desperate need for each other that is typical of new love. Instead you get security and trust and the ability to show your true self to someone. The real important things in life. In those 8 years of marraige I have often mourned the departure of passion, but never thought of it as something I could not handle.

I did always know that I could not be faithful forever. I've seen it happen with plenty of other pleople. You cannot spend a lifetime together without ever needing someone else. I never pretended I was never going to need someone else. I never pretended that I did not know that he would never need someone else. Therfore we made a pact...a pact between soulmates. A pact that allowed us to, if we ever felt the need, get a shot of passion. We gave each other permission to get the need out of our system with random strangers. We have both used that pact in the past. We have both had stolen kisses or passionate nights with accidental passers by of life. Somethimes we even exchanged experiences. Laying in each others arms we would listen to the exploits, slightly embarrassed, slightly shocked, slightly hurt, but never irrevocably damaged. However, the pact only allowed one off's. Quasi nameless and above all emotionless encounters...zipless fucks.

Now I have broken the pact. I have fallen in love with my zipless fuck. I've entered new territorry, and in doing so I have betrayed the trust of my one and only soulmate. It's unforgivable and unrepairable. I can try and mend, but it will always leave a stain on our relationship, even if he never knows. Because for the first time ever there is something we cannot speak of to each other, something we cannot share, something that has to remain hidden.

That's why is started writing this. I have to tell someone. This is not intended to become a great work of literature. English isn't even my mothertongue, but it allows me the necessary distance to be able to write about my experience and above all, my feelings.

Having an affair has thrown me in a whole new world of emotion. A world which I had forgotten even existed. Beside all the guilt and remourse that I feel, there is the inexplicable thrill of being in love. The thrill of discovering someone for the first time, telling him all my stories and hearing all of his, exploring the exciting strangeness of his body and mind is absolutely mindblowing fun. I cannot help myself. Even if I know this will inevitably end in tears I cannot tear myself away from the experience. I feel like I've just jumped from an increadibly tall building: you know that you're going to smack into the street eventually, but you're treasuring the brief moment of heavenly weightlesness, you're enjoying the flight.

And a hell of a flight it is.

As all great romances, it started with an unexpected kiss. Not in an epic place, not in a great romantic moment, but after a tipsy night in a deserted parking lot. Just an innocent kiss with an not even very remarkable stranger. Just for fun, just a tiny shot of passion, quickly come by, and quickly forgotten. We didn't exchange phone numbers or addresses. We never intended to see each other again. A few drawn out kisses against his car was all I needed. All he needed. We went home, slipped into bed next to our partners and lingered in the moment untill we fell asleep. The pact was safe and so was I.

To be continued...