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Pre story blurb: These people exist but for my safety and sanity names have been changed. Bits of real stories have been used in the creation of this tale. Please review it’s appreciated. Thanks


Hi, my name’s…
Hello, Earth to Tasha, no-one in their right mind is ever going to read this so why are you introducing yourself and sounding like a complete idiot.

OK, so today is the day I’m gonna dump him, Pete….

I love Pete, I even used to be IN love with him, but now after two years it’s more like the love you feel for a close friend. Being with him is comfortable, safe and reassuring, he’s like an old sweater that calms you instantly, it’s faded and baggy but… you know what I mean. He was my first love, the person who I lost my virginity to and who made me feel special. But we’ve been shaky for a while, ever since Tom came back into my life.

Chapter 1: - Tom

Tom 6’, sandy hair, gorgeous green eyes (deep not cheeky), small feet (he equals my size 7), great physique, a career and financial stability (a high school teacher). I’ve lusted after him since I was barely 17 and I’ve come close to having him twice, maybe three times but I’ll come to that.

The first time was when we almost started to date in ’02. I remember our first kiss; we were out clubbing with colleagues from work (it was my first time in this particular club) and there was our whole group around us cheering and wolf whistling. He was so sweet and attentive.

He asked me out a few days later, inviting me to a party, looking shy and nervous, I was ecstatic. He picked me up on time and commented that I looked nice but less than five minutes from my house he asked ‘what do you want from us?’ Being petrified I asked him back before answering, a mistake I almost instantly regretted as his reply was ‘well, I’m off to uni so I don’t think we should see each other.’ I was destroyed and spent the entire evening with him being confused, upset and angry.

This episode, I’m sure, has left a mark; it upsets me even now to know that I was rejected before I could even try.

I suppose I should be relieved as a few weeks later I found out that he was desperate to lose his virginity and so had a friend agree to sleep with him, so he could get it over with. I remember thinking him shallow but I suppose deep down he just didn’t want to leave for uni inexperienced and be seen of as weird. So I was glad he’d not used me for that purpose and then left me because that would have hurt more. So because of his philosophy I didn’t mind going off a virgin and I was teased but I felt stronger.

I saw him sporadically after he left for the wide world until we started to work together again in the summer of 05.

Chapter 2: - Tom All Grown Up???

I’d always found working with kids rewarding and now so to did Tom or so it seemed, ok so he’s now trained and I guess qualified as a teacher so I suppose he must. Anyway, this is explaining nothing.

For three weeks we, along with four others we ran a summer day camp from 10 til 4 and had such a laugh. It was brilliant; we had fun, got to go on trips out and got paid. Tom and I started off being friendly enough, he even apologised for the ‘romantic’ date, but it became more and more flirtatious, he just ignited a spark in me that was hard to stop but I resisted and repressed most of what I felt. I was (am still) seeing Pete, I loved him madly and had done for over a year and he had his girl who lived in Newcastle and who treated him like a doormat, maybe he’s into all that submissive/domineering crap but somehow I doubt it but whom he loved.

Tom just drove me crazy, he made me act like someone else, I had the confidence to say what I wanted to him; eventually I was able play the slut do things I’d never dare do towards Pete. I couldn’t (can’t) help it, he’s… how do I phrase this? He’s unresolved, in my head and heart, I don’t hate him, I don’t love him, I suppose it’s just lust.

Like I said I repressed almost everything, it was playful, until one night, where with a bit of gentle encouragement (both from a slutty, whorish acquaintance and copious amounts of alcohol) I started to text him. Now I haven’t seen him in the flesh since this happened and so anything said that implies his state of mind is my interpretation. It was playful at first but quickly it rocketed into picture messaging of our chests sans clothes to messages of a rather kinky nature and photos of self pleasuring (if you get my drift). It was so unlike me but I felt liberated and I was enjoying myself, I had a dirty little secret and he was getting off by looking at pictures of me. It was power and I felt that he lusted after me as much as I did him.

This fun turned into requests that I meet him for sex, really they were more like demands, ‘I’m horny and want sex so I thought of you, meet me’. I’d probably have given in if I hadn’t been snuggled up next to Pete each time received one. I loved it and then things when back to normal after I accused Tom of talking to someone who was reasonably close to Pete about what we’d been up to, he hadn’t but it was too close for comfort. Tom phrased it so nicely when he said ‘forget I ever came back and carry on as before’, easier said than done especially when I don’t want to forget.

I felt so guilty; like I had actually slept with him (or more likely met him for a drunken screw in a club or back alley) I was constantly suspecting Pete of knowing that something was wrong, which in turn made him suspicious of me. So I did what any good girlfriend would do and I admitted it, I told Pete exactly what had happened (leaving out selected chunks of information and glossing others).

Chapter 3: - If The Truth Set’s You Free…

So I told Pete, where did it get me? He gave me a big hug and said it was ok. He went as far as to give me permission to sleep with Tom if I wanted. I expected anger and resentment, hatred but not that. That put me in Hell, I could sleep with the guy if I wanted and it’d be ok (well not ok but he’d not leave me nor be angry). I wanted more than anything to run to the phone and do the deed but I couldn’t it’d break Pete’s heart. In the end I did nothing cursing myself and everything around me.

Why then did I feel guiltier than ever? I reached the point where I was wishing I’d slept with Tom so I had a reason to feel like this. In some ways I still wish I’d done it, got him out of my system so to speak, maybe then he wouldn’t be haunting me now. I stopped texting him, he me and that worked. Pete and I stayed together but things weren’t the same I always had Tom in the back of my mind, I still wanted him. Desperately.

At New Year I sent a good will message to everyone in my phonebook and received replies from everyone I expected, and one I didn’t. Tom. His message read and I quote because it’s emblazoned on to my heart ‘Happy New Years! I love you! X’. Sent at 7am New Years Day. I didn’t know how to react, for a while I didn’t. I thought he was drunk or that he’d sent it to the wrong person by mistake and in a moment of anger with him for not clearing this up for me I said as much. ‘I think you sent that to the wrong person honey’ was my irked reply. That was it he’s never talked to me since despite my odd message.

Truth is I miss him; I’ve not stopped thinking about those words since and I painfully regret not saying how I feel back just in case it wasn’t a mistake. I suppose I do love him, he’s my sexual fantasy, my biggest mistake. I shouldn’t complain I’ve still got Pete which brings me on to the person I should have addressed first but importance above anything else.

Chapter 4: - Pete

So, I’ve told you about Tom so I suppose I should write about the other man in my life. Pete’s sweet and kind, loving, gentle and considerate, he’s 6’4”, sandy brown hair though probably a shade closer to brown than Tom’s, he’s athletic, toned, with a little bit extra to cuddle round is middle (too much ice cream) that won’t disappear. He’s got bluey green eyes and is 8 years older than Tom (9 years my senior), financially irresponsible, no career path (yet) but he’s my Pete.

Pete’s had a few girlfriends but they didn’t last long, a couple of months max. He’s slept with several people and done his experimentation. I haven’t Pete’s my one and only and I suppose it’s that ‘grass is always greener’ thing. I want to experiment, try new things, new people but that’s the problem with being in a stable, happy (ish) relationship, they don’t come along and if they do there is a huge risk involved.

Pete and I are currently house hunting and planning to buy, I’m desperate to move but I’m not sure living together is what I need right now and I can’t do it alone. I think I need to see other things and sleep around a bit (not in a whorish, promiscuous way) then go back to Pete. I’m worried because there is a great likelihood that Tom’s in the area and that I could bump into him and that would trigger a whole heap of emotions.

I almost expect something to happen; I’m already apologising to Pete constantly and probably making him paranoid that I have or am likely to do something. I’m desperate to hear from Tom, on one level, on another I really don’t. I saw Tom’s myspace today, I didn’t mean to go looking for it but my fingers hit the keys to spell out his name. I didn’t expect him to be there but he was, His pictures made me smile, they were of his 21st last year, I didn’t attend, I didn’t think I’d be wanted besides I wasn’t technically invited.

He had a headline of ‘hot, sexy and horny as FCUK’ with favourite pastimes as sex and porn, the guy is a teacher to 16 year old girls in Phys Ed, they see him in shorts and…. This disturbs me but completely turns me on; I’d love to be 16 again with him as my teacher. A comment on his page made me worse, sick almost, not just physically, mentally, I felt jealous desperate to feel his touch. Obviously from a conquest, it read, ‘OMFG!!!! The last few days have been amazing!!! My body feel so tired! :p can’t wait til next time…. You n that damn tongue, it’s so not fair you know exactly how to beat me at my own game. See you soon sexy! XXXXX’

I really hope he knows what he’s doing, I understand that uni is for experimenting and having fun but I hope he’s being careful and responsible. I’m not just thinking about pregnancy but also STI’s. He’s a good guy with the brain of an absolute idiot at times.

ARGH!!!!

Anyway, there he was, I’ve requested to be added as a friend I don’t know what I’ll achieve, I’m sure he hates me. Why am I feeling so jealous and protective over him???? You don’t understand do you?




More coming soon, sorry I have to do it like this but I can't afford an upgraded account right now.