Quazy Quiz

By Robert Adams

Quazy Quiz

“This exam is tough and I should know- I've sat more than most.”

Question 1: The best use for a paperweight is…?

Answer A: for stubbing out cigarettes.
Answer B: for Mashing out the brains of
invigilators.
Answer C: to secure previously loose papers.
Answer D: as barter to win the affection of a
member of the opposite/same sex.

WHICH?

”Brilliant question,” I say to myself as I make my mark.
I am in love with the girl sitting at the desk to my left.
From time to time she rises without a sound, like a ghost and strolls to the open window on our right where she hurls rocks at the demonstrators below.
I am in awe. She has a kinship with obscenitise like no-one else I know. I have never heard anyone say "Fuck off" quite so beautifully.

She grins in my direction each time she returns to my seat and I blush like a fool.


“Hello Robert” she says as she sits down, know I’m watching her.


The rocks, snuggling together in a large pile, belong to all of us. We each brought in two, as stipulated in the examination entrance requirements, which were hand-delivered to each entrant some time ago.

A large red-lettered sign saying PLACE YOUR ROCKS HERE BEFORE SITTING is pinned on the wall near the window.
FEEL FREE TO THROW is written underneath in finer print.

Nobody, except the girl has yet to throw a rock. As usual, I'd like to but I don't have the courage, seeing as how she is better at it.

I return to my question paper.

Question 2: The sky falls in on you so you…?

Answer A: cower under an umbrella.
Answer B: climb up and take its place.
Answer C: rip off a piece as barter to win the
affections of a member of the
opposite/same sex.

WHICH?

”Wow, choice of only three answers, perhaps the exam is getting easier,” I think to myself.

The demonstrators below are relatively quiet because of course they are demonstrators.


Suddenly, the small man with glasses, who received a 58% pass-mark in the last exam, looks out of the window and begins shouting,


'Look out, they've got ladders,'


Having never seen a demonstrator with a ladder, I jump up and peer out of the window. And what he's saying is true. They have ladders, six of them to be precise.

Without thinking, I pick up a rock and hurl it through the window, watching as it bounces off the shoulder of a particularly large scoundrel.
He gives a cowardly scream and clutches at the sleeve of his grubby corduroy jacket.

The girl whom I am in love with is suddenly at my side.
”My hero,” she exclaimed in her gentle voice..

Everyone is now clambering at the window tossing down the rocks. The exam is forgotten amid the excitement.

Every scream and howl and moan from a demonstrator is met by a shriek of pleasure by an examination candidate.


We are heroes, manning the barricades. Heroes, I say.

But eventually our supply of rocks is exhausted yet still they keep coming. We throw chairs and desks, then pens, pencils and papers, a fire extinguisher and a blackboard.
We hurl down the fan, then the air conditioner, but still they keep coming.

As a last resort, we begin throwing ourselves out of the window, in true kamikaze fashion.
Soon only the girl and I remain.
We kiss then sit on the floor and attempt to complete the examination.

Question 3: Demonstrators are climbing through
an open window in an attempt to
kill you so you…?

Answer A: bid them welcome and offer them tea.
Answer B: destroy the question papers before
they can reach them.
Answer C: give your lover a lingering embrace
before you are both torn apart.
Answer D: watch television.
Answer E: close the window.

WHICH?

A choice of five!

"SHIT,” I say, for lack of a better word. It was secret answer “F”. Damn, this exam is getting even harder.