Asleep or Awake-Oct. 30 1995

My wife was pregnant, and there was a 70% chance of miscarriage, I stood by in helpless fear through the pregnancy, being the calm one, the strong one, and then the miraculous birth, the joy, of my child.

Barbara, seeing my utter joy in this, had to use it against me.

This poem was written, long ago, during a long wakeful night, when my wife was sleeping with my newborn daughter.

She had had one of her usual fits of bi-polar madness and was once again, threatening to take my daughter from me, as soon as she had enough sleep to make the drive.A few months old, and Olivia was already a weapon in Barbara's hands, used to tear at my heart, rend my soul.

"Asleep or Awake" - Oct 30, 1995

I held your hand with a calm look on my face
I watched you sleep
While a chaos of fear for my child, stirred my soul

I feared for you, and the life you held within you
While you slept
I felt my soul meld with the new life there

While you slept with my soul within you
I felt her move, awake
When you woke at the touch of my hand

I saw her draw, her first quiet breath
While you slept
I, not you, felt her breath first, upon my cheek

Months later waiting with chaos inside for
When you awake
That our melding will sunder

I wish You could feel this soul within soul
When asleep or awake
That I feel as a melding two to one

How do I tell you of my souls need
While you sleep
How do I tell you I need you your love my girl

How do I tell you of my fear
When you awake
When you threaten to take my soul