Dear John...

Dear John,

I am sorry that I have to write this letter to you and even more sorry that I’m putting you through the pain of reading it.

As I’m sure you’ve noticed by now, I’ve moved out. The reason is, John, that I’ve also moved on.

When I first met you, we were so very alike but things have changed a lot for me since then. I’ve changed. The things I want – and need – are different.

I always loved the things we did together. As I write this, I’m thinking of them and I tell you with all sincerity, that it is breaking my heart.

You have been my best friend for almost as long as I’ve known you and you have always been there for me. I appreciate the highs and lows you’ve held my hand through. You have always been my companion, my confidante and my champion. I wish you still could be.


John, my view of life has changed. Where I used to enjoy the fast-paced yet chilled out times we had, I now need to focus on the direction my mind and heart are taking me.

I never realised, not for a second, that this would happen to me. If I had, I would have done something, I don’t know what, to make sure that I didn’t cause you this hurt.

We have become very different people. Where you enjoy all that you can whenever the mood takes you, I now need to save my money. I want a house, a car, maybe a family some day. I know you can give me all these things but I also know you’re not ready for it yet.

John, you are a wonderful person. There is so much about you that I admire and respect. I love the way you give up your seat on the bus to anyone who wants it. I love it when you free spiders in the garden rather than flush them down the plug hole. I love the way you let other people to the bar before you – and not just the pretty girls.

Also, I am truly enamoured by everything you’ve ever done for me. You laugh at my jokes, even when they’re not funny. You rub my feet after I’ve been shopping and never complain about the money I’ve spent. You’ve always made me feel good about myself. You’ve made me feel pretty; intelligent; wanted and loved.

John, I do still love you but I don’t love our relationship any more. I’ve tried to hide this from you, hoping my original emotions would return; but they haven’t. Being the person you are, I know you would try to change, just to suit me. The thing is, though, I don’t want you to change. Everything about you is perfect. Your thoughtfulness; kindness; patience; understanding; even all you little quirks, are what makes you the fabulous person you are. It is not for me to change you and I would not be happy with myself if I caused you to become someone else.

It’s me who is different now and me who needs to facilitate this difference. As I said, what I need from life and what I have to offer has altered so much. I think we’ve both matured over the time we’ve been together but in different ways. Your career is what’s important to you now but for me the focus is more on myself and my own personal development. This probably sounds incredibly selfish. I guess it is but it’s still where my life has taken me and I can’t really help that.

John, I love you but I need to love myself too. I can’t do that if we’re together. I hope you can understand and respect this.

I wish I had the heart and the strength to say all this to your face but I’m too much of a coward. I know that just looking at your face and hearing you speak would kill me inside. This is something I simply have to do but know I couldn’t if we sat and talked.

John, I’m so very sorry. You will never know how much I love you, how much I will miss you and how much this is hurting me. I hope you can forgive me.

You will never leave my heart.

Mary


Victoria Close