Camille

-- would be an heroic death, you decide to end your life after reading a book, and then you take a razor and you cut your wrists…

Camille was little disturbed by those explanations… she was standing by the table with an empty look; she was lost in her mind, in her deepest thoughts.

—Camille, are you listening? What you’ve done is not a joke, you decided to end someone else’s life, with no reason, and after that you decided to kill yourself, is that something funny to you? — Said the Doctor

She didn’t answer, she started to say something, in whispers, hard to listen, she was in a state of unconsciousness.

—Well, let’s pro…

Camille interrupted the Doctor, she was saying pieces of words, and it was incoherent:

—She…I…can’t…STOP!

—What?—

—Do you know what did I feel when I finished reading that book? ... I felt a wicked sensation, somewhere between loneliness and desperation, suddenly I realized that my life was complete waste of energy, space, time and skin, I was god’s mistake, that fucking feeling was making wounds, was an aching pain, was unbearable, I needed to say goodbye, to this… tragic, absurd existence… at the time I was reading the book, I found out that my hole life was being described, I did know that my life was lacking of something, maybe emotions, action, love… But the book opened my eyes, I wasn’t asking for some miracle to show what to do with my life, I just took the book, I sat down in the chair, and I started reading, I got the instructions to end my life, I was in front of a manual, that would show if somebody’s life is a waste or if it’s worth it, after all, it’s your life, you don’t owe anything to anybody, your completely free at that matter, deciding weather or not to end your life is your own business so I…

—But deciding on other peoples life isn’t your business is it? — Said the Doctor with a sarcastic tone.

—It depends…on the person…—Said Camille, with a calmed tone, almost joking.

—The murderer, Camille?

— No, the victim.

— Can you explain it…?

— Yes, that’s what I intended to do, before you interrupted me…where was I? ... Oh yes! I decided to end my miserable life, but then I thought… Why would I die without taking revenge? After all, I’ll be death by the time the police come… I heard the sounds of my mother downstairs, I took the scissors and I went downstairs, she was making breakfast, then I took a knife and I stabbed my mother with the knife, I did it several times, I had lost notion of the time I just kept hitting the inanimate body of my mother, she wasn’t screaming anymore, she was just… laying in the floor, then I went upstairs, I sat on my bed I took the knife and I cut my wrists, than the police came and rescued me, and that’s all… Now the reasons of the unpredictable death of my mother are a little bit more difficult to explain… but it’s the truth she was paranoid, she didn’t let me live, I was five when she took me out of school, one of my partners had punched me in the face, and she decided for ME, to get out pf school, for 14 years I was in her house “studying” there, I had no friends at all, when I turned 19 I was going to college, but my mother was going nuts at that time, she closed all the house, and she told me to stay in home, that she’d feel lonely… she didn’t care about my feelings, my interests, she was in a lonely state, yes but she could have wanted something more for her only child, she was selfish, she didn’t want a better life for me, and I know it, she was jealous, because she had wasted her life loving a man that left her 3 months before she gave birth, and she felt mad at me, ‘cause I was such a waste of time for her, but the truth was that she didn’t do anything to change it, and now she wants revenge… She doesn’t want me to do something with my life… she’s standing over there watching me… criticizing me…— Camille was looking at everything in the room, she was moving her eyes quickly and she was biting her nails.

—Well, Camille, I’m afraid we have nothing else to discuss, you have admitted that you are the murderer, and it’s obvious that you need some psychological attention... You’ll be taken to the mental institution of the sate and you’ll remain there ‘till the judge decides your sentence.

Camille was taken to the mental institution, she was placed in a bright room, with a nice window and she had “Happy Hours” as they were called, were she could watch TV or play chess with the other “insane” people, she was attended by a young doctor that was there doing his social service, Camille was immerged in her fantasies, she was always talking alone, or doing strange movements with her arms, and hands, She used to spend her “Happy Hours” by the giant window, looking at some invisible point, while the young doctor, called Robert, was trying to talk to her, he could talk to her only once per day, while she was in her bedroom, at night, Robert started talking to her about nonsense things, about her meals, the weather or other stupid topics, but he started to notice deepest thoughts going trough her mind, Camille was being medicated, she was calmed, in a state of stupidity due to the medicaments, so she didn’t understand what she was saying, but when the effect of the medicament where going away she used to say things about her life with her mother, and her short time at school. Robert decided to stop giving her medicaments without the permission of the psychiatric, Camille was in her five senses, she wasn’t in her fantasies anymore, she was in her bedroom all the day, and Robert used to speak with her all day long, Camille talked about silly topics, like the colors of the trees and the “movement” of the water, But after a while Robert started asking about her fantasies; Camille was upset that day, she answered with anger:

— I day dream because is the only thing that keeps me away of my sad life! I wish I could go away on one of my dreams and never comeback, to become a vegetable in this world, but in mine I’ll be an important person, I’ll have a normal, but worth living life and I will write about life issues or maybe epic stories… But I can’t! I know I’ll die here, in these conditions, I know that I’ve wasted my life, and it wasn’t my choice, but there’s nothing I can do or will be able to do, because I’m already a vegetable in this world, but I’m trapped, I can’t get out, it’s an endless and cruel prison, it doesn’t have bars, it’s even worse, it’s invisible, when I think I’m free I fall down and I see where I’m, Do you know how it feels when you wake up and you know the routine is going to start, that you can’t get out of it, that you can’t do anything else, and that this routine is not helping you in anything?!

Robert went out of her room, without saying a word; he wanted to cry…perhaps, she had described his life…

THe end.