Between Two Tides

Papa says that anything worth keeping is worth dieing for. He said that you couldn’t fully appreciate the beauty in God’s gifts until you’ve had sufficient struggle. He said that after Mam died and when Grandfather died he knelt on the ground right there in front of God and told him to just quit it, he had suffered long and hard and now he needed some rest.

Mama said that Papa was having nerves again and just keep the twins quiet and my brother Gregory would have to grow up too soon it seems. I was only 10 years old and didn’t know exactly what she was talking about, but I kept the twins in the loft and played patty cake for hours and hours. Mama said that Papa shouldn’t have had to loose both his parents so soon after moving the family to up state Massachusetts. “No man should have to go through that all at once”.

Mama grew bigger and bigger every day. Papa said that we had to get another house if Mama was going to keep on having babies. I asked Mama how those babies kept on getting in her belly and she said I should not ask such questions and that I was too young to know about why God does some things. She muttered something about how it was a mans kingdom and a wife didn’t have a chance to make up the minds of men. Whatever that means.

In early fall Zechariah was born and the following summer it was Sadie. Mama cried hard when fall came again and she again found herself with another little one kicking inside her belly. Mama said she was going to lock Papa up in the shed at night so he couldn’t make her with child again. This really didn’t make no sense cause I thought babies came from God. I didn’t ask Mama though cause she didn’t seem to want to talk about it.

Mama said we were going to have enough kids that we would be our own town soon. That fall the population of Morton’s Peak numbered eight. Papa cut more trees and built another room onto the end of the house and put in “another fire to feed” at the opposite end. Papa and Mama took the loft and Sadie roomed with them. Gregory shared space below the loft with Gavin and Zechariah, Logan and I shared the new room.

I felt like a princess in the new room. Papa gave us a window he had shipped from Boston and I woke up every morning to the sun shining down on my Mams quilt she brought over from the old country when she and Grandfather were just married. Every square telling a story of some distant cousin, aunt or uncle. Mam would often grow teary eyed when she told us tales of her youth. She would tell Grandfather she wished to go home before she died and he would tell her that he knew and would hold her hand and close his eyes too.

That winter lasted an eternity, Papa had to hunt more and more and we ran out of beans and white flour just before March came. Mama said she was frightened that we would all surely starve before Papa could get down the Kennebec and buy what any decent respectable family should have. Mama said she would love to go too but Papa saw to it that she would not be fit to travel by keeping her in “a condition”.

The snow tumbled in the door followed by strong freezing wind every time someone couldn’t hold it anymore and needed to use the privy. Papa repaired an old milking bucket so we didn’t have to go out as often. Mama often made noise about the smell and Papa promised to build her a new out house closer to the house when the weather got warmer.

Spring did come again and Papa was able to venture out to Fort Western to buy the rations Mama said we were so desperate for. He couldn’t go until March and Mama said that it was not a good time because she was about to have another child and he shouldn’t be leaving her alone. Papa said that Mama was a “proven bearer of children” and that she had capable help in my brother Gregory. Gregory said he was “scared sightless” that Mama would birth before Papa came home again. Two days after Papa left Mama started to pain.

In the middle of the night we heard Mama call out to Gregory to come quick and bring the changing rags, drying cloth and some warm water. Gregory came to my bed and whispered frantically for me to get up and help him. I didn’t know what I was going to do but, got up and followed Gregory into the dimly lit space above the center of the cabin. The loft was very warm and Mama was writhing in she and Papa’s bed. Sweat was beading up on her forehead and she seemed to involuntarily lurch forward. She whispered to my brother that he shouldn’t be scared, that she’s done this 5 times before. Mama looked different to me and I couldn’t understand how this could be something that Papa would put on her every year. I asked Mama if it hurt and she said that it did but it was a labor of love. Mama always said that every pain she had was worth what she got out of it.

The bedroom lantern was turned up brighter than usual. Mama told Gregory to give her some of the changing rags and she put them under the covers between her legs and under her. Gregory and I looked at each other and I asked Mama if she needed to go to the privy. Gregory nudged me with his elbow and I nudged back in response to him.

“Mama what should I do for you?” Gregory asked. Mama started to tell a story of when Gregory had to help our cow Shady deliver up the new calf last spring. Gregory’s eyes grew two sizes and he started to back to the edge of the loft and would have fallen off the edge if I hadn’t pushed him a good one back into the room with Mama. Mama let out a good yelp and little Sadie awakened and peered out from under her quilt. She sat dazed at the scene before her, as never had there been so many in Mama and Papa’s loft.

Mama yelped again and beckoned Gregory to remove the blankets from the bed and there was Mama soaked in blood and water. I cried out “Mama are you going to die?” Gregory turned paler than the back end of a deer and began to vomit supper all over the floor. Mama looked to me to help and I stood there frozen in place. “Won’t either of you help me?” Again Mama lurched and screamed out. I ran to Mama and held her hand. She squeezed so hard I thought I would have no hand left. Gregory had gotten over his moment of illness and began wiping some of the blood from Mama feet and legs. Mama raised her gown and asked Gregory for some help getting her to the very end of the bed. We both tried but every time we would move a few inches Mama would scream out and have to rest. I never knew Mama and Papa’s bed was so long.

When we finally got her down to the edge we had to help her stay up. Mama worked so hard for almost two hours trying to get our new sister or brother out she just started to fall asleep between labors. My arms hurt from propping her up over and over again. Mama said she was going to name it “Patience” because she was sure losing hers. I couldn’t understand how Mama could smile during this.

Gregory started to look worried when something fell from between Mamas legs. “It don’t look right Mama”. Mama asked him to pick it up and show it to her and he did. It looked like raw liver only more blue and stringy. Mama began to look white after that and worried to. She started talking about Mam and the Lord and how she should be wearing her “go to town dress” if anything ever should happen to her.

Mama fell asleep for two more hours and the blood ran from her saturating the coverlet of the bed and pine boards of the floor. Gregory had to slap Mama several times to get her up again and he screamed at her to “Push Mama! Oh, Mama please Push!” Sadie started crying hours ago for the breast, but Mama was in no shape to feed her. Gregory started to wail too and we just stood there wailing, us three, when Mama seem to find one last breath and pushed our new sister Elizabeth out. She dropped to the floor with a heavy thud that made her cough and start wailing too.

Greg picked her up and Mama told Gregory to heat Papa’s knife in the flame of the candle until it glows red. When the blade was glowing red Mama grabbed the knife and cut the waxy blue cord from the pile of liver on the floor. The baby and liver were now separate and I was glad. Mama looked whiter than snow and I was scared that she would go to sleep and never wake up. I was so happy when she started to give orders, weak as she was, to my brother and I.

I washed Mama up and changed the coverlet on the bed and gave Mama a fresh gown. She needed two more changing rags before I was through and two more cups of water to drink. Mama said she was dry from losing too much blood this time. Gregory took Elizabeth and gently washed up and looked kind of funny trying to get the white stuff off her. Mama said the white stuff was from being baked too long. Gregory looked so old to me after that day. He was getting to be like Papa, with deep voice and hair growing here and there on his face. I will never forget the way he bathed Elizabeth and dressed her in the same gown every one of us first wore. He was so careful not to hurt her.

Mama put Sadie to her breast while we worked and she soon quieted. Mama fell into a deep sleep waking only to feed Elizabeth or Sadie. Gregory and I so wanted Papa to come home, but it would be a few more days and we would have to help.

Mama had made a stew the morning that Elizabeth came to us and we ate that for the next three days. She also had a good supply of dried fruits, berries and jerky. We didn’t have to do anything but make it last. I was put in charge of heating the food and feeding the babies. Gregory got the firewood and we took turns minding the others.

Mama wasn’t right and we had to remind her that she needed to feed the little ones. I began to feed Sadie table foods I mashed up. She seemed to take to them real fast and I didn’t have to put her onto Mama as often. Mama was still white and didn’t talk much. We took turns holding Elizabeth to her breast. Mama didn’t even now she was there half the time.

Gregory said that a girl my age would have to start thinking about what she was going to do about having children some day and that I should learn to keep house and cook. He said that I was ten years old now and it would be long before Papa would be hitching me up with some nice young man from Boston. It seemed that my dear brother only had this talk with me when it was time to do the family wash or when the changing rags needed to be rinsed and dried. This was the only duty that my dear brother never seemed to have the time to do. I sure wished that Papa would hurry home and take care of my pig headed brother and his “women’s work” as he called it. Why would a woman ever want to have children, half bleed to death and clean soiled rags over and over again, was beyond me.

Mama took some food and was beginning to sit straight up in bed by the time Papa got back home. He went straight up to see Mama when he got back and this distressed the rest of us cause we thought we would get hollered at for half killing Mama when Elizabeth was born. Gregory stayed out in the barn nearly all day cause he thought he’d get a whipping for throwing up on such a sacred and serious occasion.

Papa went out to find Gregory and we all expected that we would hear the crack of the whip soon after but instead Papa and Gregory walked through the door and Papa sat him down with his very own pipe and even lit it for my brother. Gregory sat sucking in the flavored smoke like Grandfather used to. Long and slow hauls, swish and blow. Smoke curled round and round above our heads and we all looked at one another with stark amazement that Gregory would dare smoke in front of Papa.

The next really amazing thing is when Papa pulled two of Grandfathers cherished special occasion glasses from the mantel and put one in front of he and Gregory. My brother could scarcely believe it himself. From under the seat Papa grabbed a dark brown bottle filled with some nasty smelling liquid I only knew as “the devils own blood”. I became terrified when my Papa poured my brother, who I loved and never wanted to see “delivered into hell,” as Mama used to say, a short glassful. Gregory’s eyes became wider still as my Papa lifted his glass and said “salute”, upended his own glass, and nodded for my brother to join him.

Gregory hesitated for a split second and looked around at his audience gave Papa a smile and he too upended his glass and drank heartily. Papa yelled to Mama that we now had a “new man” in the house and Mama yelled back “don’t drown him in the spirit Jonathan.” Papa laughed and I had no idea what was so funny. Gregory didn’t either.

Papa was in a good mood for the rest of the night. Every now and then I caught Papa lifting a glass to Gregory and Gregory lifting his to him. They danced around the wooden table picking one of us to join in. Logan and Gavin kept time on the back of one of Mama’s Boston Rockers and little Zach and Sadie, oblivious, ran to and fro making up games as the went. Mama stayed in bed.

The next day Papa woke Gregory out of his sleep and summoned him to fetch Doc Williams. My brother had to walk to Augusta and that would take him a day and get the doctor to return as quick as he can. My brother was back in a day with the doctor. He said he made better time because he ran the whole way. The doctor had his own horse and they rode double. Both were frozen stiff and Papa had to warm them up before they brought the cold to Mama cause Papa said she had enough problems right now.

Papa and Doc Williams climbed the ladder to the loft and pulled the curtain so we couldn’t see. Papa came back down in a hurry and looked like he was crying, but Papa never cried and that was too scary to think about. Papa went out side with out his coat and I thought about running after him with it but I didn’t want to because he looked like he was crying. What was he crying about any way? The doctor was here now and Mama would be all right because a doctor was what she needed. Papa said that women sometimes need that after losing some blood and that the doctor would know how to fix it. Was Papa crying cause the doctor didn’t know how to fix it? Was Mama going to die?

Doc Williams came down the stairs and he too disappeared outside with Papa. He didn’t come back in, but Papa did and we all just stared when he walked through the door. He went over to the table and sat down. He sat for a long while and we just tended the little ones. I caught Gregory eyeing him now and then. None of us dared climb the stairs to the loft where Mama was. I thought about it but waited for Papa to speak. I willed him to send me to give her drink or something but he just sat there until the little ones were in bed. Papa said for us to gather up the finest linens we could find and a nice dress for Mama. “Where she going Papa?” I asked. Papa said she was in need of a good bath and that we should heat some water. Greg went out to the pump and returned with two buckets, which he put to the fire in the big kettle used to heat water for bath days. The cabin became all steamy and I liked it when it was like that most days but today it didn’t feel right and Papa, he just sat there like he’d been beat.

When the water was heated up, Papa and Gregory climbed the ladder to the loft. Gregory looked back and shrugged his shoulders. The steam pouring off the top of the pot he carried and formed a halo around his head. Gregory winked at me and I felt better. He continued to climb up and soon disappeared behind the curtain with Papa. Minutes latter I heard Gregory let out a deep moanful cry and I knew my mother was dead. I collapsed in a heap on the middle of the floor and sobbed uncontrollably. I was so afraid.