The Darkness Within

How dark is dark? I awoke to this blanket of darkness covering me which is nothing but darkness.
No visable light, systems say go but where do you go in darkness? I try to rise but find I have not a bit of strength to do it. I lay back down. I try my voice and nothing comes out, has the devil ripped out my tongue? No... I feel it there when I run it around the inside of my mouth. I do a further self check,yes all my parts are here,then why am I bound by this blanket? What are my last memories?

I was driving down I-95, I had to get away. My wife of just 5 years had just died from a very painful cancer.I helped her after listening to her begging me to end her life over and over and over.

My skills as a medic in the Army helped me to do it but they sure did not help me now. Wracked with grief,my inner turmoil at knowing I helped her, well, they had all helped me go into a freefall that did not bottom out. Depression was all I knew.

My friends drifted away, after the viewing, after the casseroles, after the bottles of liquor, after the crying there was no one left to talk to or listen to me except myself. After all who wanted me? Just Mr.Depression.

So I found my solace in a bottle.It helped what hurt way more than the docs did.
The military booted me after I could not function as a medic or a grunt. There was nothing left there for me, except maybe a bullet in Iraq. I'd gladly take one if it would take the hurt away.

So, here I found myself driving down I-95, one hand on the wheel and the other saluting Jack Daniels.

That's all I remember.The Depression did take over,I guess. All I have now is this darkness.It has taken control of me in a way that I do not know. What is it? No control over it, not even a glimmer of light. Nothing but this complete totally freakish darkness. A true twilight zone. Is this MY Hell? Is this my punishment for helping my wife end her misery? If so then I accept it but doesn't the devil let you know what is to happen to you?

Maybe I totally cracked up and this is all a dream, yeah that's it it is a dream.I will wake up real soon and my wife will be alive and she won't have cancer. Is that it Lord? Are you testing me?
I think I will take a nap and when I wake up this will be gone.

How dark is dark? I awoke to this blanket of darkness covering me which is nothing but darkness.No visable light.systems say go but where do you go in darkness.....