jillian

“I can't explain this
It’s hard to understand
I try, but I’m lost…”

I’m not the type of person who falls easily. Sometimes, even if someone approaches me and profess their affection, I tend to grow numb. I simply drive them away, no matter how handsome or appealing they are. So I am now known as an Ice Queen. People might not understand my state of being but I need not to explain myself to them. It’s just me. I just want to live a problem-free life. My perception to entering in a certain relationship is somewhat negative. I have known so many people that waste their time, money and tears just because of love. And I don’t want to be one of those people. But then, I have proven that I am only human, and that I am also prone to “fall”. Since I saw him, my life and everything I have idealized about love completely changed.

“Mesmerized by him
That look will surely stay
He smiles at every face, even mine”

Everyday of my entire life, I always make sure that I visit the library. I love books. I love to read. And one thing I like about the library is that nothing interesting ever happens. Or so I thought. I sat on my usual corner and started to read my book when I noticed someone on the next table. He caught my eye because I have never seen him here before. I continued looking at him for a couple of minutes. Then maybe, he noticed me looking at him and he looked back. I was shocked because he smiled at me with a very extraordinary manner. I can’t explain it but I felt weird. There was something in him that was very mysterious. It struck me like lightning. I felt my face grow red and before I could smile back or do anything else, he went back to reading his own book.

“But, why doesn't he see me in this empty room?”

Usually at 4pm, I would leave the library and go home. But I never left my seat until he was still there. I was expecting that he’d approach me and talk to me but he didn’t. He didn’t even look at me again. It bothered me and made me more interested to him. I continued to anticipate until I saw him stand up. At last! I thought to myself. But to my disappointment, he passed by my table without a glance at me and left the library. I could not understand. He really was different comparing to all the guys I have met before. That night, I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stop thinking of him.

The next day, before class started, I sat on a bench outside my classroom. Until now, I was still thinking about that guy. Why was I thinking about him? He’s just human. Just like every other person in this universe. But there’s really something weird about him… And at that moment, I saw him again. He was approaching me. He had the same smile that mesmerized me yesterday. And now, I smiled back at him. I was surprised because he talked to me.
“Is this seat taken?”
I was sitting alone on a long bench. I said it wasn’t.
“Can I sit beside you then?”
You have no Idea how happy you made me! I said yes.
And that’s how we started to be friends.

From that time, we became very close. Even if I only met him for a little time, I felt like I have known him all my life. He always made me happy and I learned so much from him. And I discovered that we were similar in so many ways and shared many interests. He became my best friend. But secretly I felt more for him. I can say that I loved him right after I met him. I wanted so much to tell him about how I felt. But I didn’t have the courage and I didn’t know if he would take it lightly. He always told me that he liked me so much. But I don’t know how far it goes. So I decided to know first whether he likes me as a friend or more than that.

“Does she think about you when you do, when you do?”

As we were taking our now traditional stroll in the park, I opened up the topic about love. I asked him if he was ever in love. He looked at me differently, avoided the question and quickly changed the topic. But I was eager to know and I still insisted on it, not knowing there was any harm. He said he didn’t want to talk about it. This heightened my curiosity and I continued to ask him about it. For a couple of minutes, he didn’t talk to me. But finally, he gave up and told me the story.
In his last school, he had a girlfriend. He described this girl as near perfect. I was a bit jealous but made no comment. She was his best friend and beloved at the same time. They always had fun and not once did they argue. They were just right for each other. It was destiny. But, one day, she just broke up with him without any reason. He was so down that day but confused at the same time. He was persistent in reconciling with her but she always rejected her coldly every time he tried. He asked her many times the reason she was avoiding him but she never gave any reason. She just turned her back and walked away. He never gave up until one day, she didn’t come to school anymore. This bothered him so he went to her house to see if she was ok. There he saw a coffin. And inside, was the love of his life. It turned out that she had died. She had a deadly disease for a month and never told him. He wanted to die that day. But no matter how he tried, something would always hold him back. He promised on her grave that he would love no one except her for eternity.
As he told his story, I noticed that tears were falling on his cheek and he stopped talking. I also wanted to cry not only because his story touched me but also because of the last thing he said. “He would love no one except her for eternity.”

“I try to walk that same hill next to you
I try to be that missing part of you.”

After that day, I never dared to ask him about love again. We went back to our normal relationship as friends. But now that I know what happened to him in the past, I was eager to chase away his sorrow. I knew that if I tried my best and made things right, I could heal his broken heart and hopefully he’ll fall for me. I was so sure that my plan would work. I didn’t realize then that it was easier said than done.

“I tremble as I wait
In this busy, city fields
I see a million stares at me.”

When we’re together, I always do everything to please him. I always make sure that he’s happy with me. I tried to be more like his old girlfriend because I knew that he missed her and she was everything he wanted. But I think it wasn’t enough for him. Sometimes he looks bothered or worried. I don’t know. He tells me he’s happy but it doesn’t show. I didn’t know that this would be so hard. But I won’t loose hope. Or so I thought.

“Anxiously looking
Finding the right time to see
If that sign you're looking for, will lead to me.”

Today was the day that I had my yearly appointment to my doctor. It was necessary for me because in our school, the medical tests were required. I asked him to accompany me to the clinic but he didn’t want to. He said he had something important to do. But that was ok with me. What bothered me was his tone of voice when I talked to him on the phone. Still, I didn’t worry about it too much.

After 2 days, our doctor called our house for the result. What I heard completely shocked me.

“But, don't you see what you're doing to me?
Can’t you see that I’ve been dealt by this, dealt by you?”

I had heart complications. I could drop dead anytime.

“I try to shut them
Blurring this picture from my head
But even in the dark, you are there.”

Everything was clear to me now.

He went to my house a day after I got the result. But I didn’t want to talk to him. He tried to call me so many times but I didn’t have the courage to pick up the phone. When I come to school, I always avoid him. One day, I just told him to leave me alone. I didn’t want him to get hurt. I didn’t even try to listen to what he was telling me. I just, left him. Anyway, I’m not the woman he loves.

“i try to love you even if you won't...”

It’s been a week since I heard from him. He never tried to call or make contact wit me after I told him to leave me alone. Before I turned my back, he gave me a letter. I didn’t bother to read it. But I missed him. So, I read his letter.

Dear Jillian,

I know why you’re avoiding me. But, as long as I still can, I will try to talk to you. Yes, I know you’re ill. And I also know that you’re avoiding me because you think that this will hurt me so much. Honestly, it hurts deeply knowing that the only person you loved the most is leaving you forever. You might be interested on how I knew all of this. I’ll just say that I have been through this for the second time with the same person. Don’t ask how, that I cannot tell. I know that you will read this letter a week after I give it to you. By that time, you’ll have noticed that I haven’t tried to talk to you anymore. So, if you are reading this now, it means that I’m gone. I love you so much. I want you to know that. I don’t want to see you lying lifeless and walk away from my life. I want to be able to greet you when you arrive to our last resting place. I want to be with you forever. Through this also, I can keep my promise and love you for eternity.

I am waiting for you now…

Oh my God. I didn’t know.

After I finished reading his letter, the phone rang. It was his parents, and they told me that he committed suicide. I was so shocked that I wasn’t able to speak. I couldn’t breathe… I felt numb. My heart was beating so fast. Then, everything went black…I’ll be with him now…

End of story.