Ninja hamsters

Ninja Hamster

Well it was what appeared to be an ordinary Monday afternoon and I just got in after a hard days work. I was feeling very sleepy so I decided to go to bed for an afternoon kip. What I failed to realise at the time was that my hamster was mega hungry as I had forgotten to feed him. He wasn't pleased by this to say the least. After a few hours sleep I got dressed and went downstairs to make myself some dinner. At this point my hamster had already escaped from his cage and devised a cunning plan to get me back. He thought it would be funny to come at me with his ninja friends with swords and started hacking in to foot. I thought to myself " YOU BARSTARD!" and got my vacuum cleaner and sucked him and his little furry friends up the vacuum cleaning tube. Just as I thought the battle was over they used their swords to slice open up the bag and kicked their way out. I thought to myself " OH NO!" and jumped out of the window luckily my kangaroo lucky was outside the window and broke my fall. Although he wasn't too pleased about what I had done and decided to break my legs instead.

After 2 hours of laying on the floor in a broken state one of my neighbours sees me on the floor. I think to myself " thank god help is on it's way!" As the neighbour approaches me he picks up a garden fork. I think to myself " maybe he's going to use it to help pick me up!" I quickly change my mind when he forcefully pushes the fork down and slams it into my already broken leg. I reply "OUCH!!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" he replies " that's for killing my neighbour and his dog" I reply " but that was ages ago I can't believe you guys hold grudges around here what happened to the good old saying is forgive and forget" He replies sarcastically " I don't know I forgot" and then kicks me up the arse. Unfortunately for him his foot gets lodged up my arse and he can't get away.

At this point the ninja hammies fly kick their way out of the window and luckily land next to my neighbours foot. They mistake his foot for my foot and begin to hack their way through his leg with swords and their teeth. He screams " AHHHHH HELP! HELP! I've got ninja hamsters hacking my foot into pieces!" Some people walk by and my neighbour sees his opportunity to call for help but they don't see the hamsters and reply to him " sure well help you just wait here" After an hour of hamsters biting through his leg he says " where the hell are they? they said they'd come back for me" I reply " anyone that came back for you would have to be bold not to mention mad!" My neighbour Bernard yes I'll call him Bernard for now becomes very angry and attempts to kick me up the arse with his good foot but misses and falls over as the hammies finish biting at his leg.

Now we have a situation where there are two majorly disabled people on the ground one with two broken legs and a fork stuck in their leg. The other has one leg half eaten with blood spurting out all over the place. A car passes by us and stops, a man gets out of his car and looks at us as if he's come to help us. Bernard replies "thank god help has arrived finally!" The man approaches us and says " give me your wallet!” Bernard being all high and mighty says " NO!" The man replies "right then" He then picks up Bernard from the floor, turns him upside down whilst shaking the entire contents of his pocket onto the floor. He manages to get hold of his wallet and a few extra quid and replies “ nice one I’ll take that” The thief then throws Bernard to the floor and turns to look at me. He says " you want this the hard way or the easy way" I reply "after the day I've had nothing can be worse then lying on the floor in a pool of blood" The thief replies "not worse then this?" as he reaches into his pocket and takes my keys to my house. I reply " hmmm let me think about it for a minute...........................after 5 minutes of thinking the thief asks me again" so what's your answer?" I reply " hang on a minute your so impatient! you shouldn’t hurry a dieing man!" with that he breaks my arm and then attempts to burgle my house. Fortunately for me the police speed in their car down the road after news of a reported break in. They see good old burglar Bill but Bill replies "STOP! I'm a dangerous man you don't know who I am" The policeman says " STOP! or I'll shoot" Burglar Bill laughs naively ignoreing the warning. Unfortunately the policeman gets distracted by a rather attractive woman passing along the road and accidentally fires his gun. The good news is it hits good old Bill. The bad news is however, that the police men panic saying "OH SHIT!" before making a run for it in their car. Bill drags himself on the floor and comes to join our ever growing forces.

Now we have a situation where all three of us are lying on the floor. One with a half eaten leg, the other with a bullet in his chest and me the one with two broken legs, a broken arm and yes that fork is still stuck in my fucking leg!. It's been there so long that crows have made a perch out of it. Feeling pretty pessimistic at this point we try to make the best out of a bad situation and begin to talk. I say " hey Bill you live round here by any chance?" Unfortunately for me before Bill never gets a chance to reply as rock falls out of the sky from no where killing Bill. I reply " my god could things get any worse?" In saying that another rock falls down no where and then hits Bernard on the head killing him also.

Suddenly just as I think things couldn't get any worse the Police come back after seeing this most unfortunate and unlikely event. So instead of facing the prospect of loosing their jobs they decide to blame it all on me instead. Unaware of all of this I think to myself " they must be coming to help me this time round???" but noooooooo instead they place the gun that they used earlier to kill Bill in my hand and then place it in a plastic bag for forensic testing. Pc plod then says " sir you are under arrest you do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you do not mention something you later rely on in court" I reply "how about I'm innocent isn't that an important point to add there?" Pc plod replies " well yeah we know your innocent cause we are the one’s that set you up but no one else is gonna believe you" I reply "ok, ok but before you can arrest me you need to call me an ambulance. Pc Plod replies " oh yeah I forgot your hurt and all that I guess I must have got taken away with the moment" They call the ambulance and the ambulance arrives .Luckily as the ambulance is on it's way the ninja hamsters decided to ambush the ambulance and slice the ambulance driver into hammy shreds. They see the scenario and panic cause they know if I don't survive they wont get any hammy treats.

Anyway they all stand on each other's shoulders forming the shape of the now dead ambulance driver. They walk in a wobbly direction towards the coppers. Pc plod says " this man is under arrest make sure you keep him handcuffed on the way to hospital" The hammies reply " EKKK!" and with that they all disperse out of the clothes with their miniature swords and begin hacking at the police men's feet. The police men mistake these fur balls for the critters from the movie and they reply " what the fuck I and I thought it was only a movie!" Pc plod number two then says " OH GOOD BUGGERY OF GOD RUN!!!!" They run into their vehicle with some of the hammies still attached to their leg but with all the fear of no hammy treats they secure themselves to the coppers legs even harder. The coppers manage to make it to the car but then get eaten as I forgot to feed my hammies so they are extra hungry. Anyway with two skeleton's in the car and two dead bodies under rocks(that came out of the sky from no where may I add!) I'm feeling mighty unluckily today not to mention nearly dead.

Then suddenly out of no where I hear the phone ringing and I realise that I had my mobile phone in my pocket all along.

Anyway to cut a long story short I manage to make it to the hospital and they managed to fix me up pretty good again well apart from the broken limbs which are now waiting to heal. As for the police I managed to make up some plausible explanation as to what happened. I told them that the Bin Laden crew came through the neighbourhood with their weapons of mass destruction and just started randomly blowing everyone to pieces outside my house. The Police being highly concerned with terrorism at the moment found my story to be of high importance and have now closed the area off for further investigation. As for the gun with my finger prints all over it well.... one of my hammies got hungry and ate that too so I guess I'm off the hook for now.


R.I.P Coppers, Bernard and Bill may you all live in harmony with the others that I have killed.

P.s
The death toll is 6 and rising