The (not so) lucky country

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The (not so) Lucky Country

By Nathan Atkinson

CHARACTERS


AMERICAN
AUSSIE BLOKE
BIG KEV
STEVE IRWIN
TERRI IRWIN
COURTNEY ACT
JOHN HOWARD
SARAH MARIE


SCENE – A restaurant scene. (Tables, a bar, a door for the toilet etc)

The (not so) Lucky Country (Comedy) – A comedic play mocking the famous (and not so famous) Australian icons.

Scene One



An Airplane noise is heard. A black African-American is walking towards a small building. Every person he sees is wearing a cowboy hat and spurs. He continues walking, when suddenly he sees a restaurant. Stares at sign.

American – I could really do with some MacDonald’s! But I guess Australia has not received that kind of technology in fast food yet… I guess this will have to do…(Enters. Walks up to barmen and speaks in slow voice) Good Afternoon … how are you? Do you speak eng-lish?

Aussie Bloke – G’day mate. English? My ancestors created that language! And what may I get ya?

American – (A bit taken back) Ok then… (Looks at menu) What is … kang-ar-oo?

Aussie Bloke – (Smiles) Kangaroo mate, our specialty. We have the freshest meat; won’t get it fresher anywhere else!

American – Well that sounds good, I’ll have one … (Slowly) Kan-gar-ew

Aussie Bloke – Great! Just be a tick… Why don’t ya sit down over their, I’ll go get ya meal! (Exits)

A kangaroo sound can be heard and a bullet sounds shortly follows. The American shakes his head as if he is imagining it… he sits down at a table. Across from him sits a chubby man with an’ I love Australia’ apron on.

Big Kev – I’m excited!

American – uh, I guess I’m excited to

Big Kev – Names Big Kev! So what’s a black non-abbo fella like you doing in the outback?

American – In my country, everyone is equal. It doesn’t matter if they are black, white, red and yellow. To us they are people.

Big Kev – Right. Good on ya. So what is a black fella like you doing here?

American – (Shakes his head) I have heard of your countries different ways, and I am curious to see your different culture.

Big Kev – Your curiosity excites me!

American – uh thanks, it excites me to.

Big Kev – You know what’s really exciting?

American – Uh, no

Big Kev – Toilet cleaner

American – What?

Big Kev – Toilet Cleaner! It smells so fresh! You wanna buy some?

American – (Stands to leave) I’ll be right thank you.

Big Kev – (Begging) Please! I’m really desperate! My companies going broke!

American – (Sighs) All right. I’ll buy some toilet cleaner.

Big Kev – Great! That’s really exciting! That’ll be $12 bucks!

American – (Hands some money over)

Big Kev – (He puts the money in his wallet except a $2 coin.) My share. The companies’ share.

Silence

Big Kev – You know what’s really exciting.

American – (Sighs) What?

Big Kev – Kitchen cleaner

American – I have to go now.

Big Kev – (depressed) Ok … enjoy your toilet cleaner

The American begins to move to a vacant chair far from Big Kev

Steve Irwin – (Charges in and tackles American as he is sitting down. He gets him in a headlock) Crikey! We got ourselves a rare black … uh croc here! And boy is he mad!

Terri Irwin – (Close behind Steve. Pretending to film the scene in front of her.) Folks, Steve is a highly trained professional, he knows exactly what he is doing. Do not try this at home! (Circles Steve and the frantic American)

American – What the hell is going on!

Steve – (Excited) Crikey! This croc is extremely rare! He’s a rare, black talking croc!

American – I’m not a crocodile you idiot!

Terri – All right! Cut! (Fiddles with invisible camera) Everyone makes mistakes, even highly trained professionals.

Steve – (Stops struggling) so what are you? A rare native pigeon

American – I’m an American!

Steve – Oh … Never heard of that species before

American – (Stands) All I want to do is eat my meal and leave this twisted place.

Steve – Ok mate. Go ahead eat!

Terri – (Filming)

Steve – As you can see, the American is about to eat. Crikey!

American – I would like to eat in peace!

Steve – Crikey, he’s getting aggressive! If you see one in the wild and he’s eating, stay clear! Also the best tip if a wild croc is mad; throw some fresh meat in the opposite direction as a distraction. Crikey this tip could save ya life! (Gets a baby doll and shows it to the audience. He then throws it to the other side of the restaurant) Fetch Crocy!

Aussie Bloke – Alrighty! Your Kangaroo is served! (Dumps a full-grown kangaroo on the table. A piece of parsley is on top of the meal.)

American – (looks at the meal with disgust) Oh god … (Runs to toilet)

Steve Irwin - Crikey, those Americans are a strange bunch.

Scene Two

Setting

Toilet

American rushes into toilet. He starts vomiting in toilet bowl. A pretty lady walks up to him and begins to stroke his back. He looks up in shock, but sees the women in front of him and smiles …

Courtney – Hi big boy!

American – (Smiles) Hi. Finally someone normal!

Courtney – My names Courtney Act …

American – Hi … my names …

Courtney – Shush. I don’t need to know your name. (Walks up to him seductively) All I need to know is whether you want me. Do you want me?

American – Yes

Courtney – I can’t hear (voice breaks) you

American – Uh pardon.

Courtney – (Smiles) I can’t hear (Voice breaks) you.

American – (Steps back) um, what’s going on? And I just thought of something. Why are you in the male toilets?

Courtney – it’s nothing really. I just have a few relitivly small gender issues to deal with. That’s all… Now where were we?

American – (Looks disgusted) you’re a man!

Courtney – Well yes and no

American – I have no idea what that means, and I think I don’t want to. (Backs to door) I think I have to go now.

Courtney – Oh, when will I find my man?

Meanwhile in the restaurant

The American exits the toilet.

Aussie Bloke – Sorry about that mate. I forgot to add the spices, that’s why you ran away … right?

American – Uh yeah, that’s right. I’m not really hungry now anyway … (Hands him some money)

John Howard enters

John – (Talking to himself) George we have been friends for some time now and I think it’s about time we took our friendship to the next level … No that’s not right … maybe I should be less direct. (Notices everyone staring) Oh uh hi everyone. I have come to announce by the order of John Howard (giggles) that’s me; a new law. It is called the uh … sitting in a restaurant tax! All the proceeds from this law will go to me, uh I mean cleaning up Australia. Yeah that’s it!

Steve – (Pointing excitedly at John) crikey, it’s a rare Australia toad! Many people dislike these toads as they have been known to be extremely sly and will steal from the unexpected victim.

John – What? I’m the prime minister of Australia.

Steve – (Confused) we elected a toad as our prime minister?

John – Stop being so mean! I’m telling Georgie on you! (Storms off)

Sarah Marie Walks in dressed in a tight outfit and wearing bunny ears

Sarah Marie – (Stops and looks at the big crowd. Hits her oversized butt) Does my butt look big in this?

American – (Shudders) Alright hold everything! (Talking crowd stops and stares) I can take fat man who finds overpriced toilet cleaner exciting and um somewhat arousing, I can take hot woman who are really disturbed men! I can even take a gay prime minister who has the hots for my president! But I have to draw the line when a fat woman with a huge butt dresses in a tight leather suit and constantly slaps her butt! Come on! Who has them as a celebrity? (Crowd stares)

Courtney – (Exiting from toilet) you think I’m hot?

American – I just can’t take it anymore! You people need serious help! (Holds head and runs off screaming)

John – (Still sulking) Say hi to Georgie for me!

The Australians all look at each other and smile. They hold hands and form a circle and begin to sing the following song …

All - Australia is the land of opportunity,
We work together to form a strong community,
We’re all in a close packed unity,
Even if we all suffer from lunacy!

Aussie Bloke – I’m a typical Aussie Bloke,
Dressed in plubbers, a thong, and in my mouth I have a smoke!
I run a pub all day long, and during my nights I have a bong,
Cuz I’m a typical Aussie bloke, who thinks that most things are a joke …

Big Kev – I’m sick of being excited, I’m tired of toilet cleaner,
I’m running out of money and I’m cheating on my wife with a 40-cent honey!
But I’m glad to be Australian, that’s one good thing in my pitiful life,
For when I’m broke, I’ll have the dole and I won’t be in strife!

Chorus

American – (After returning saying his part then running off again screaming)
I visited this island out of curiosity,
And now I realized oh so late, it was plain stupidity!
Their culture all-queer, their people are strange,
And I’m sure that fat man in the aprons deranged! (Points at Big Kev)

Steve Irwin – I wrestle crocs to entertain,
And nearly killed a baby, which proved I’m insane!
But people still love me cuz I’m a suicidal dickhead,
Give me another five years; I’m sure I’ll be dead!

Terri Irwin – I film my husband’s shows, with a camera in my hand,
But really I only married him for his vast quantity of land!
I encourage him to wrestle crocs, in hope that he’ll die,
He’s a professional I always quote … oh my god, that’s such a lie!

Chorus

Courtney Act – Am I a man or am I woman? I’m really not quite sure!
I made it famous on Aussie idol, but that’s because I was such a whore.
I cannot sing, Whispers: I blamed it on my ding-a-ling) So I became a girl!
Even though it’s quite disgusting, and nearly made me hurl!

John – When I was a little boy, I knew I was Unique,
I had these feelings for my friend his name was Dominique!
I am the prime minister, and have a lot of power!
I have crush on George Bush, and wanna squeeze his toosh!

Sarah – Reaching fame was easy for me,
Easy as saying my A B (pause) G,
I joined Big Brother and slapped my ass,
Even though I double an elephant in its body mass!

Chorus

All- We’re Australian and proud of it,
We may act stupid, like a bunch of twits,
But you’ll never find a group of people as happy as can be,
We are Australian and never forget it or we’ll kick you in the hinee!

They start cheering. John Howard attempts to put his arm around Big Kev; Big Kev slaps his hand. They continue cheering.

The End!

The list of famous Aussie Celebs!

Big Kev – I’m Excited! Big Kev has a range of toilet and kitchen cleaners on sale. His famous quote is ‘I’m Excited’ from which the Australian public warmed to instantly and took pleasure in mocking him. He used to appear on television quite frequently dressed in an apron cooking on a barbeque. His company however is going bankrupt as he has payed himself a huge amount each year, from which his company cannot keep to his demands!

Steve and Terri Irwin – Steve Irwin is known as the crocodile hunter. He is quite famous and has a vast sum of land, as this is where his money mainly goes. He runs a nature documentary, where it is all up close and personal with the alligators and various reptiles. He can be called suicidal as the stunts he performs with the aggressive creatures is quite dangerous. A huge article was recently posted about him, as when he was performing the stunts, he had in his free hand, his young baby, which in the worlds was quite foolish. Terri Irwin is his wife. She films his works, and at the start of every episode quotes ‘Steve is a highly trained professional, do not try this at home!’

Courtney Act – Courtney Act was recently in the show ‘Australian Idol’. She first auditioned as a man, failed, then returned again as a woman from which she miraculously got in.

John Howard – John Howard is the prime minister of Australia. He is extremely friendly with George Bush (the president of America) and the Australian public noted this and began to mock him, quoting he has a crush on the president! He invented the tax (GST) and some say most of the tax money goes in his pockets!

Sarah Marie – Sarah Marie was in a show called Big brother. She did not win this show however but became famous as she constantly wore bunny ears, wore tight outfits and slapped her butt, while wiggling and called it the butt dance …She is slightly overweight and her strange the Australian public has noted and has began to mock her.


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