Suicidal Tendencies

There are days when you only leave your bed to prepare a cup of coffee, but some strange gravity pulls you back to it. You light a cigarette, watch it burning, feel it inflaming your chest. You have stuff to do, but why leaving the fake comfort of your room to get into a hostile world? So you stay there for hours, and you voluntarily choose to listen to a music that makes you feel even down. You close the windows, curtains down, no light is allowed. This weird atmosphere of sorrow and confusion is felt through the smell of coffee and tobacco that strangles the room's air. And it makes you think, it makes you think a lot. You think about your mistakes, for your accomplishments seem to be far memories. Lost within the running time. You try to understand why, why you? You think about your childhood, your parents must have something to do with that. Well, you don't necessarily need to be really fucked up to start thinking this way, all you need is to be given a gift, a gift that you quickly throw away thanks to your too thoughtful mind. This gift is your life in most cases. You know, it reminds me of the story of that great philosopher who was about to get married; he spent so much time thinking about getting married that when he made the decision, he found out that his beloved one was gone. She left him to his wondering mind just as your life is leaving you to your endless questions. Self-destruction is so good to you, isn't it? You are destroying yourself in every little action you commit, it is like if you had a grudge against yourself, like if you want to avenge the child in you who left you hanging in the real world.
You close the door, thinking that you are leaving your sorrow inside the room, you are about to go out, breathe some fresh air, inspire your lungs to a healthier day. You know that as soon as you will get back to this room, all your pain, confused thoughts, dark memories, and cruel intentions will jump at you and make you crawl along this cold floor you're walking on. But now, you are leaving all those soul-rapers inside, and you are going out for a walk. Life is great, life is raped.
It is raining tears over your itchy head, your hair is swallowing the world's pain silently as you walk under the fallen sky. You hear no sound but the raindrops hitting the cold ground, the trees losing themselves in the screaming wind, and your footsteps invading the natural tragedy of this scene. Suddenly, every sound you hear becomes a question, a memory, a disillusionment, in a dizzy scream of loss of hope. You turn your head back to see whether someone is following you, whispering depressing words deep inside your overwhelmed ears. You quickly realize that you are alone in this empty street, you must be dreaming. You keep on walking, and you start hearing the voice whispering again. It says it's over, what the hell are you doing here? Bad player don't you know that the game is over; accept it and leave the floor to the winners. Your footsteps become a murder to your eyes always looking down. They irritate your pupils, you start seeing darkness unfolding before your raining eyes. Where am I going? What am I walking for? To escape? to find a better me? To forget where I am coming from? Why don't these feet stop walking just as my soul stopped dreaming? -Your body, instinctively, still wants to dream, still wants to walk its way up to reality, still wants to live. But your head is about to explode and blow away the miserable parts of your tortured brain. You stop walking, take a deep breath, and watch your life running fast before your eyes. Faces run before your eyes, sounds go through your ears, flavors leak in your mouth, sensations invade your skin. All your old life's things are coming to you, to say goodbye. - Let me watch a bit more of what was once my life, is it already over? What did I live for? I'm about to answer all the questions people have been asking about this life, I'm about to find the truth...Where is God? let me see the light!
Hush. The wind vanished, the rain gave back the sky to virgin clouds, the trees turned their peak to the cynical heavenly smile. No more feeling, no more thinking... that's why you wanted to be sleeping for some time. Now, you will be sleeping forever. You are dead.
- Congratulations! you worked out your suicidal tendencies. Now, it's time to die for real. Shoot!