A parody of the Harry Potter series

Harry Potter # 4 and three quarters

Scene 1

It was pouring both outside and inside the house. Harry had tried to bewitch the ceiling of the Dursley's home so that it would match the weather outside, just like at his school. He only succeeded in tearing the roof down, but the results were the same.

All of a sudden, an owl flew into the house.

"Hedwig!" cried Harry, and jumped up to greet his old friend.

The owl carried a letter in his beak. Harry reached for it, thinking it must be a letter from his best friend Ron, or Hermione, or his favorite enemy Lord Voldemonte, who had been sending Harry threatening letters every week or so, usually with a fun little puzzle or clue at the end that Harry had to figure out.

But to his surprise, the letter was not addressed to Harry, but to his cousin Dudley.

“Gimme that, that’s my letter!” cried his cousin, who had noticed Harry gawking at the letter with his name on it.

“What does it say?” asked Harry.

Dudley read the letter, with Harry peering over his fat shoulder.

‘Greetings Dudley, you are cordially invited to attend the Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardly, beginning immediately after the spring break. Being that you are older than most of the First Years who start out here, and that your intelligence and magical abilities are far superior than that of your cousin Harry, you will therefore be placed immediately as a Fourth Year student in Gryffindor. A private limousine will pick you up under the staircase on May 1, after the spring holidays are over.”

“Ha, now I can get rid of this pig’s tail.” Dudley looked in shame at the curly pink tail that he had been wearing since Harry began his adventures at Howarts.

Poor Harry. As if Hogwarts wasn’t bad enough with Malfoy, Crabb, Doyle, and all the other Slytherins. Now he would have to put of with Dudley too.

Scene 2

“I just don’t understand,” said Harry. “Dudley’s an idiot. How come they want him to go to Hogwarts?”

“Hey, they let me go, don’t they?” said Ron. Then, he quickly put his hand over his mouth as he realized what he said. Hermione only signed in disgust.

“And he has no magical abilities,” said Harry.

“He must have magical abilities if they are going to let him skip 3 and three quarters years of school” said Hermione. “He must be a wonderfully powerful wizard.”

“Gross!” said Ron. “You’re not going to go out with him are you?”

“Well, we’ll just see,” said Hermione. “But don’t change the subject. If Dumbledore thinks that Dudley should be at Hogwarts, then he must be a good enough wizard.”

This shut everyone up, for at the mention of Dumbledore, Ron and Harry immediately stood up and put their hands over the hearts, as their minds sunk into a feeling of total peace and harmony.

Scene 3

All the students were assembled in the ballroom for the post-spring-break ceremonies. The teachers were all gathered in the front of the room. Above them, the enchanted sky was heavy with enchanted snow, mourning the end of spring-break.

“Look Harry,” said Dudley. “Dumbledore managed to enchant the ceiling without destroying the whole roof.”

Malfoy snickered, even though he didn’t have a clue what Dudley was talking about.

“Welcome students,” said Dumbledore. All the Gryffindor students immediately stood up and put their hands over their hearts in reverence to Dumbledore. The Slytherin students just scowled.

“You may have noticed,” said Dumbledore, “that there is an enormous phoenix in the center of the room. You may also have noticed that he is standing with his mouth wide open in the direction of the enchanted ceiling. Does anything know what this phoenix is for?”

Hermione shot her hand into the air. Unfortunetely, Dumbledore didn’t have his glasses on, so he didn’t notice.

“Anyone?” he asked.

Hermione strained her hand in the air, and waved it around. All of a sudden her attention was caught by the shadow that her raised arm was making on the wall. Highly amused, she began making shadow-shapes on the wall, such as bunnies and snakes and…..and hypogriffs.

Dumbledore was still waiting patiently for an answer.

Finally, Professor Snape walked over and whispered something in Malfoy’s ear. Malfoy stood up and said, “That is the phoenix for the Wizard Contest.”

“That is correct,” said Dumbledore. “Every four years we have an end of the year Wizard Contest. Four students will compete for the title of Great Wizard. As soon as we are ready, the phoenix will spit out 4 names, and these will be the students who will compete.”

“Oh, I hope I get picked” said Ron. “I’ve always wanted to be the Great Wizard.”

Just then, a bright flame rose from the mouth of the phoenix, and a piece of paper spat out. The Gryfindors applauded. The Slytherins yawned.

Dumbledore looked at the piece of paper. “The first contestant is….Harry Potter.”

Harry groaned. Not again.

The phoenix spit out a second piece of paper, which Dubledore opened. “The second contestant is…..this is weird….Harry Potter.”

“What???” cried Ron.

“The third contestant is…..Harry Potter. And the fourth contestant is…..Draco Malfoy.”

Big cheers rose from the Slytherins as they congratulated Malfoy. Groans of jealousy came from the Gryffindors, as they cast angry looks at Harry.

“Well,” said Dumbledore, “this has never happened before. But, we cannot change it now. So the four contestants will be Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, and Draco Malfoy. You will each need to complete 3 tasks. The pride of the school is dependent on you. Good luck, soldiers.”

“You did this on purpose,” said Ron to Harry. “You bewitched the phoenix so that it would pick your name three times.”

“Ron, I don’t even want to be in the contest,” said Harry. “I’m tired of being in every single contest this bloody school dreams up. I just want to be left alone for once.”

“I’m not going to fall for that,” said Ron. “I know that the last time it wasn’t your fault, but this time it definitely has to be. There’s no way you could have an enemy evil enough to do this to you twice. You just want to be famous. What a horrible friend you are.”

“Don’t say that Ron. Look, you’ve upset Hermione.” But before Ron could say anything more, Hermione ran off crying.

Scene 4

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were friends again. Harry had used the illegal Imperio curse to “convince” Ron that it was just some enemy that had bewitched the Phonix, and Hermione was forgiving because she knew how hard it would be for Harry to solve this mystery without her.

“You do know what the first task is, don’t you Harry?” said Hermione.

“No,” said Harry.

“How could you not know? The first task is that you have to defeat the Greatest Monster That Ever Was. No wizard has ever defeated this monster before, even the famous War Wizards. Oh, and you cannot use your wand.”

“Hermione, how did you know that?” asked Ron.

“Don’t be stupid,” she said.

“Wait a minute,” said Harry. “Since I already know what the first task is, I have an unfair advantage over the other three competitors. This is wrong!”

“Well, you should do the right thing and tell them,” said Hermione.

“But that’s the problem,” cried Harry desperately. “How can I tell them? Two of them are me. How can I possibly tell myself what the task is?”

“Well, that might be difficult,” said Hermione. “We’ll have to find a way. There must be some spell that allows a wizard to communicate with himself. Let’s go to the library and look it up.”

“You look it up, we’ll keep you company,” said Ron.

Scene 5

They went down a hallway to the library, where two third year Hufflepuffs were talking.

Unfortunetely, the books they needed were in a section that didn’t allow anyone lower than fifth years to go in.

“Maybe Hagrid will know,” said Ron.

They went out in the courtyard, and walked past three 6th year Ravenclaws.

Hagrid let them in his hut, but he was very disappointed that they had come to visit him without wearing the invisibility cloak.

Hagrid couldn’t tell them how to speak to the other competitors, but he was able to tell them how to defeat the Greatest Monster That Ever Was. All Harry had to do was look the monster in the eye and recite backwards the words in his “History of Magic” textbook, and the monster would be so confused that it would die of boredom.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione went back to the Gryfindor common room. There were three seventh year girls giggling near the fireplace.

Harry & Friends went up to the boys dormitory. Colin Creevey was there chatting with two of his friends. Harry didn’t know their names, but he did know that they were both first year Hufflepuffs. Since all first year students are naturally afraid of anyone older than themselves, the Hufflepuffs quickly left the room. Colin snapped a picture of Harry, and then left after them. Our three heroes were alone at last.

They discussed many things, including the the Quidich game that Harry had single-handedly won, the dismal future prospects of the house elves, and the boring concept of a life without Voldemonte. But they were unable to come up with a solution to their problem. So, as a last resort, they decided to speak to the venerable Dumbledore.

They went down to the common room. Gathered in a circle where 3 first years, 5 sixth years, a third year Ravenclaw, 2 fourth years, 75 fifth years, the Weasley twins, 2.5 third years, and a hypogriff.

Scene 6

Dumbledore listened while Harry & Friends explained their latest predicament.

“So you see,” said Harry, “I need to come up with a way to communicate with my other two selves who are in the contest.”

“That is a very difficult dilemma,” said Dumbledore. “I’m sorry, but I think that Hermio……I mean, that the three of you, are going to have to find the solution on your own.”

“What?” said Ron. “Why can’t you help us?”

“My son, I am only the most powerful wizard in the world. Therefore, a couple of fourteen year old students have a much better chance at solving a difficult mystery than I do.”

“He’s right,” said Hermione. “Thanks for your advice, Professor.”

“I can tell you one thing,” said Dumbledore with a mysterious twinkle in his eye. “Two turns should do it.”

“Huh?’ said Ron.

“Oh, I see,” said Hermione. “C’mon boys, I’ll explain it to you outside.”

Scene 7

“What does he mean by two turns?” asked Harry.

“This,” said Hermione, taking out a big thick book. “You see, I so wanted to know what interesting things we would be learning at this school, that I couldn’t wait any longer. So two days ago, Dumbledore gave me this book written by J.K. Rowling. Anyway, you turn the pages of book a certain number of times, and it gives you knowledge that you will have in the future. Hey, wait a minute. What’s that noise? I think someone’s spying on us.”

They looked around, but could find nobody. It seemed like someone was hiding in the shadows, but they couldn’t be sure.

“Must be our imaginations,” said Ron.

“Well anyway,” Hermione continued, “in this way I am able to know the things that I will eventually learn in my later years Hogwarts. So I don’t have to wait three years to find out what is in the seventh year potions book. This is also how I knew what the first task was going to be.”

“That’s all very interesting,” said Ron. “But what has that got to do with us?”

“Don’t you get it?” asked Hermione. “Dumbledore wants me to turn the pages back twice. That means there must be something that we will know in our sixth year that would help us now in our forth year.”

“Hermione, you’re a genius!” said Ron. Hermione blushed.

“OK, are you ready?” asked Hermione.

“You better do it now Hermione, before Argus Filch or someone comes and finds us,” said Harry.

“Ok,” she said. “Here goes.” She turned the book over twice. Suddenly her eyes went wild and she started spitting out stars. Harry and Ron began screaming in horror and running around for their lives. But then it was over, and Hermione was recovered.

“I’ve got it,” she said. “Harry, in order to communicate with yourself, you’re got to create a Horcrux. You see, if you split your soul and put it in a Horcrux, then you can speak to the parts of you that are in the Horcrux, and tell them what the first task is. Then your conscious can be clear since all the competitors will know what the task is.”

“All of them will know except Malfoy,” said Harry.

“Well, we don’t care about Malfoy,” said Hermione. “And I’m sure that Snape’s told him anyway. So what do you think?”

“I think it’s brilliant,” said Ron.

“So how do I create a Horcrux?” asked Harry.

“Well, er…uh…you…um…you have to kill someone Harry.”

“Oh. Well who should I kill?”

“What about that spy that’s been following us?” said Hermione. For now they were sure that there was someone spying on them from the shadows, and that it wasn’t just their imaginations as Ron had stupidly suggested.

“Brilliant, I can kill the spy,” said Harry. And he raised his wand and shouted “Avada Kedavra!”

The spy fell to the floor. Harry & Friends went closer to get a better look.

“Oh curses!” cried Hermione. “It’s Professor Dumbledore.”

“You killed Professor Dumbledore!!!” said Ron.

Harry immediately began to cry.

“Wait a minute,” said Hermione. “That’s not really Dumbledore. Look…it’s someone who drank PolyJuice potion to look like Dumbledore.”

At the exact second that she had finished saying this, the PolyJuice potion conveniently began to wear off.

“Look, it’s my cousin Dudley,” said Harry. “He was spying on us and trying to learn all our secrets. He must have been doing this ever since he came to Hogwarts.”

“Wait a minute,” said Hermione, her face flushed with excitement. “He’s not the one who wanted to spy on us. He was being controlled by the Imperius Curse.”

“Hermione, how do you know that?” asked Ron.

“Don’t be stupid,” explained Hermione.

“Look,” said Harry. “Someone else is hiding in that shadow. That must be the person who put the Imperius curse on Dudley.”

“Let’s see who it is,” said Hermione.

They stepped closer to the shadows, and saw that the person who had been controlling Dudley was…..Ginny Weasley.

“Ginny!” cried Harry.

“Yes, it was me,” she said sadly. “I used the Imperius curse on Dudley to make him drink PolyJuice potion so he could spy on you and learn all your secrets.”

“But….why?’ asked Ron helplessly.

“Because….” said Ginny, “I was under the Imperius curse too. But I don’t know who put the curse on me.”

“It was Voldemonte,” said Harry grimly.

“Yes Harry, it was me,” said a spooky voice, and Voldemonte stepped out of the shadows.

“Voldemonte!” said Harry. “Are you going to kill me?”

“Yes,” answered Voldemonte. “But first I’m going to explain to you what I did so that you will know what a clever genius I am. Your opinion is very important to me.”

“Ok,” said Harry. “But my friends want to listen to.”

“Very well,” said Voldemonte. “First I sent the letter to Dudley telling him to come to Hogwarts, so that I could use him as a pawn in my brilliant schemes. I then used the very original Imperius curse to get him to sneak me into Hogwarts, where I was able to make sure that you would compete in the Great Wizard tournament. I screwed up, and made your name come up three times. But that was not a big setback, because Dumbledore was too lazy to investigate this.

All was going well, but then that fool Hagrid taught you how to defeat the Greatest Monster That Ever Was. Since the monster couldn’t kill you now, I knew that I had to take action. So I once again used the Imperius curse, this time on Ginny Wealey, to make her use the Imperius curse on Dudley, so he would take the Polyjuice potion and spy on you so that I would be able to kill you. Isn’t that brilliant of me?”

“I’m very impressed,” said Harry. “Are you going to kill me now?”

“Yes,” said Voldemonte. “But first I’m going to explain to you how I became evil. I will start with the day I was born.”

And Voldemonte began telling Harry, in narrative form, every detail of his life. Although Hermione seemed very interested, Harry and Ron were soon bored out of their minds and were practically begging Voldemonte to just kill them already and be done with it.

Suddenly Harry had an idea. He remembered learning a spell that might help him in this situation, if only he could remember how to pronounce it. Then he looked into Ginny’s eyes, and he suddenly remembered the difficult spell.

“Expelliarmus!” he yelled.

Voldemonte gasped in surprise as his wand flew from his hand. Quickly, he jumped down a water pipe, and escaped.

“Harry, that was brilliant,” said Hermione. “You really are a great wizard.”

“Yes,” said Harry. “It’s too bad that my cousin had to die.”

“No Harry, you don’t understand,” said Hermione. “That is the second task. The second task if that you have to kill somebody. And you did. Good job, Harry.”

“HERMIONE, HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?” cried Ron.

“I JUST DO!” screamed Hermione.

“Brilliant,” said Ron. “Now Harry will definitely win the Great Wizard Contest.”

“I wonder what the third task is,” said Harry.

“Don’t be stupid,” said Hermione.

Scene 8

Harry’s win of the Great Wizard contest was announced at the final banquet at the end of the school year. All the students and teachers were gathered in the great hall for a special feast.

“It’s almost time to find out who wins the house cup,” said Hermione. “Whichever house had accumulated the most points during the year is the winner.”

“Hermione, we know that already,” said Ron.

Hermione began to cry. “Get out of here!” she yelled at Ron, and he quickly left the table.

“Attention students,” said Dumbledore. “It is time to add up the house points and find out the winner of this year’s house cup. The totals are……”

Snape banged on the drums giving Dumbledore a dramatic drumroll.

“Gryffindor: 75 points. Slytherin: 79…..wait a minute,” Dumbledore fumbled around on the piece of paper he was looking at. “Umm……Hermione, what grade did you get on your spell-a-nometry exam?”

“I got an A+” said Hermione.

“Excellent!” said Dumbledore. “Five points for Gryffindor. Now, where was I? Oh, right. Griffindor: 80 points. Slytherin: 79 points. I can’t believe it! Gryffindor won!!”

“Wait a minute, Professor,” said Harry. “What about Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff?”

“Who?” said Dumbledore.

“You know, the other two houses at Hogwarts.”

“The other two…..right, of course, of course my boy, I was just getting to that before you interrupted me. Right then, 2 points for RavenPuff….uh, PuffleClaw, uh, Huffle-Wuffle, uh….oh, I just remembered something. Harry, since you won the Great Wizard contest, you have the honor of announcing the rest of the scores.”

“Uh, right,” said Harry. “Ravenclaw: 79 points. Hufflepuff, 79 points.”

“Is that all of them?” asked Dumbledore.

“Yes sir.”

“Great! Then the winner is…..”

Another drumroll from an angry Snape.

“Gryffindor!!”

Loud cheers from the Gryffindor table.

“It’s too bad Ron isn’t here to celebrate,” said Harry. “Where did he go anyway?”

“I think he went in that closet,” said Ginny, pointing to a door in the back of the room.

Hermione used a magic spell, (one that she would learn in her seventh year), to open the closet door. Ron and J.K. Rowling stepped out, looking embarrassed.

There was an uncomfortable silence. Malfoy was leading the Slytherins in a beautiful chorus of nasty snickering. Dumbledore was pretending not to notice, and the Weasley twins were moping in jealousy.

Hermione burst into tears and ran out of the room.

“Professor Dumbledore, what’s wrong with Hermione?” asked Harry.

“That’s an excellent question, Harry.” Said Dumbledore. “Hmmmm…..a teenage girl starts crying when a boy that she is friends with appears out of a closet with another woman…..there has to be a logical explanation…..” There was a long pause while the wise old wizard pondered this. “I’m sorry Harry, I simply cannot think of the answer.”

“Yeah, I don’t get it,” said Ron.

“Well,” said Dumbledore, “I guess we will not be able to figure this one out today. Hopefully we will learn the answer to this mystery by the time Harry finishes his seventh year at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.”

“Amen” said the Gryfindors.

“Ms. Rowling?” said Harry. “Will you please autograph my broomstick?”

The End