An Open Letter To President Bush

Dear President Bush, I know that you don’t take kindly to criticism but I think you might have made a teensy weensy mistake when you invaded Iraq. I hate to admit it but it even looks like the French may have been right for once. I know that you and Dick, being former oil men, had our best interests at heart, when you went after that Golden Goose - Oil. You even thought that the oil would pay for our aggression. At least that’s what Rumsfield said. Come to think of it so did Wolfowitz but I’m afraid your little war only made oil scarcer and now I can’t afford to go no place. It’s too bad Dick wasn’t right when he said the Iraqis were going to throw flowers at us as liberators. He must have been thinking of them newsreels they used to show in the theaters at the end of World War II. Course then we really were liberators. It’s too bad you were wrong when you declared an end to hostilities three years ago, I feel real bad for them fine American boys that ain’t comin back. I’ts too bad you were wrong when you told the Reverend Pat Robertson that there weren’t going to be any casualties in Iraq. Funny how so many people keep sayin that there weren’t no terrorists there before we got there. Imagine that?

Another thing is I’m real sorry that WMD thing didn’t pan out for you the way you wanted. They surely had us fooled, didn’t they? Maybe that’ll teach em not to fool us anymore. I hear Iran and North Korea have WMD too. Do you think they is trying to fool us too? I guess they was too strong for us to attack them, seeing as how much trouble we are having with them terrorists in Iraq. I was sure glad to hear the Vice President tell us how the insurgency is in the last throes. It’s good to hear the straight scoop instead of what the papers and TV is always telling us. You’d think they was Al Jezeera or something the way they is always showing our boys getting blown up or something. By the way, Mr. President I really don’t understand why you keep that Mr. Rumsfield around. He seems to make more mistakes than you. I hear tell he wanted to go into Iraq with only sixty thousand troops. Even I know better than that. Even with the troop strength we got, it seems like we got just enough to go in and rout the terrorists in a town but not enough to stay there and occupy it so they don’t come back. I understand that if you have more troops there it’s just more targets for the terrorists and it makes the people more unhappy. It seems like the Iraqis and all the Muslims for that matter don’t understand the good you are doing there. What I don’t understand is why you don’t tell them. All them bad clerics is stirring up the young hot heads and we don’t say nutin to em. That’s bad PR. Sorry but it is. I call a spade a spade. It also seems that we don’t send more troops there cause there ain’t no more troops to send. Can’t figure out why that’s the case when your daddy had four times as many troops for Desert Storm. Boy did he kick @ss, huh? Is it true that he says that he didn’t go all the way to Baghdad because it was a powder keg and it might start a civil war and he didn’t want our military to get bogged down there? Well I guess you showed your daddy up, right? We ain’t bogged down and in three plus years there ain’t no civil war but it sure is costing a lot of money. I hear a third of a trillion dollars. I ain’t so good with math but someone told me that’s over a thousand dollars per American or five thousand per average household. If’n I had that money I could afford gas to go somewhere.

Anyway, it sure is a shame how your second idea isn’t working out either, you know the Democracy thing. I guess them Shia’s are bound and determined to have an Islamic State, you know like that other Axis of Evil, Iran, where the women all dress like nuns. They must be really religious, huh? I hear they’re making trouble for us in Iraq too and so is Syria. You really need to work on your PR with these people. Be less threatening and more flexible. That’s probably why North Korea is so afraid of you, You name them and the two Iras as "Axis of Evil" and then you attack Iraq. Kim Jung Il must be waiting for the other shoe to drop. You must know him pretty good because your always talking about him like you're on a first name basis. Why else would you disrespect him by not using his title. So since you know him so good, what would happen if you said Kim, or Jung, or Il, whichever is his first name, hey Kim, I’ve got an idea. Your country is in dreadful shape with crop failures and all kinds of bad things and you’re worried that I covet your country but you know that I’m a Christian and I’m not supposed to covet another man's country but you do need help and our country is bountiful, despite some teeny weensy mistakes I have made, so I’m in a position to help. You know, you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.

Now you’re building WMD. Bombs right? That worries us. Plus you have a million man army, which makes me jealous. Wait I didn’t say that. I don’t covet your army. I would just like to borrow a half million or so of them. I could really make it worth your while. You see a couple years ago I made an error in judgment, you know a pottery thing, oh never mind, anyway I kinda got us into a war. It seemed easy enough at first but no matter what we tried it only got worse. You know, typical Government project where it costs twice as much as it was supposed too and takes twice as long as it was supposed to and accomplishes half of what it was supposed to. Only this war is worse. It is costing ten times what is was supposed to and ten times as long and has accomplished nothing, so I could really use your help. Here’s what I can do. You join my coalition of the willing and send five hundred, no make that seven hundred thousand troops to Iraq and I will guaranty the safety of North Korea, buy two nuclear weapons from you a year, pay your troops for you, give you fifty billion dollars a year foreign aid, give you your choice of my daughters for marriage and put your country in the Axis of Good.

You see Mr. President a little PR could go a long way toward extricating you from this messy situation.

Your faithful servant