Wanting To Be Dead

It’s about life. Morals. Being brainwashed. It’s about family. Religion. It’s about what comes with a life of morals. How deeply engrained these thoughts are in your head. It’s about being depressed. It’s about not being depressed. It’s about these questions. It’s about what’s going on inside your head. It’s about life in general. The philosophies behind it. The meaning. It’s about it being meaningless. It’s about standing on the edge of a building. Not jumping. Thinking about family. How they love you. How you’d let everyone down. It’s about this constant argument spat between both hemispheres of the brain. It’s about the people around you. It’s not something that can be changed. It’s about people saying, “It’s not as bad as you think it is.” It’s about thinking. It’s my world. It’s perception. It’s loss. Love. Wanting love. It’s about dead silence. With only one voice. It’s about figuring things out. It’s about not being able to figure things out. It’s about spurts of joy. Followed by periods of destruction. It’s about not being up to par. Okay, it’s about self image. Self respect. Selflessness. Extreme selfishness. How deep these dictators dictate. It’s about the feeling in the pit of my stomach. Right now. It’s about the future. Regret. Hope. It’s about being alive. God? Are you there. It’s about saying Fuck it. It’s about not being able to think. Siamese Twin Syndrome. Yes, my own creation. Two heads. Two opposing thoughts creating an action of just standing still. It’s beyond consciousness. It’s about dreams. Dreams mean shit. Dreams make meaning of it. It’s about poetry. It’s about not being shallow. Or is it? It’s about confusion. It’s a headache. It’s about sheer joy. Followed by the bottom of the barrel. It’s about change. It’s about repetition. Déjà vu. It’s about people who don’t listen. It’s about people who want to listen. People biting their nails. Fingers down their throats. It’s about a fucked up president. It’s about a fucked up world. It’s about people actually caring. And then losing that thought. It’s about a guy I know saying, “Hope Is Shit.” It’s about saying, “Yeah, I know what you mean.” It’s about rolling your eyes. Constant thoughts. Fleeting thoughts. Constant. Fleeting. It’s about never making sense. It’s about the words not forming correctly off the tip of your tongue. It’s about searching. Hobbies. Being good at nothing. Being good at everything. It’s about compliments from the peanut gallery. It’s about the only one who means something to you not meaning enough. It’s her life. It’s about not being the best friends we say we’ll be. Not because we can’t, but just because it isn’t there. It’s about sex, drugs, and rock n roll. It’s stereotypical. It’s “the scene.” It’s bullshit. It’s cliché. It’s about never having what you’ve always wanted. It’s about the glass being half full of dung. It’s about laughter. There’s not enough. It’s about the phrase, “Everything’s going to be alright.” It’s about lying through your teeth. Don’t fool me. I know how it is. I’m nineteen. I know how it is. It’s about shaking your head. It’s about thinking I’m wrong. It’s about thinking again. Relationships. No one relates, and everyone wants to. Everyone relates and no one wants to. It’s about finding yourself. It’s about the end. It’s about the journey, right? I’m pretty sure it’s about the end. What you had and what you had not. It all comes down to then. Agree with me. Please. It’s about tomorrow. And the next. It’s about thinking about the next. It’s about giving up. It’s about boredom. Are you bored yet? It’ll only get worse. It’s about everything being meaningless. It’s about religions blending. No clear answer. All stories. Everything is a story. It’ll be forgotten. Enjoy it. You’re nothing. It’s about pessimism. It’s about the one thing that matters most in your life. Where is it? Where has it gone? When will you find it? It’s about me. It’s about you too. Think about it. It’s about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s about the opposite, but that’s only one moment at a time. What’s between those moments? Exactly. It’s about people dying. It’s about not knowing when you’ll die. And if it’s about knowing you’re doing to die, it’s about a whole different subject. That’s about wanting to live. Read this backwards.