I want to know

A letter to my Journal about the one I love...while I am in the midst of a serious relationship with another.

The Grand Essentials of Happiness: Something to do, Something to love, and something to hope for.

True, but what if you have something to love, but your hope is something different? I do regret to admit I write only when my heart is famished, my spirits crushed. It's gone beyond the common imperfection of man; we all have our imperfections. But mine goes further. Why is it that at this junction in my life in which I'm supposed to have a new beginning and the best time of my life, am I lost in the shadow of something too great to replace? I'm flourishing on so many new levels, and yet, I still feel unfulfilled and strangely...alone. I am not alone, this much I know, but gosh it seems like it. Who can I call when I need someone just to talk to...? Who can I truly share the deepest depths of my breaking heart, that shatters into smaller fragments each day; each with their own desires. Should I stay or should I go? Have I confined myself to this? Is this my doing? Did I allow this to happen and will I allow it to destroy my mood through the rest of my college years and haunt me with regret the rest of my life? Am I clinging to something...that just isn't there? No, I do feel that it is there, but is accessing it plausible? Will it lift me from my sorrow or mockingly bring me up, only to crush me sooner rather than later? God, what is my story? I have constant revelations as I think to myself; that I am not normal. That I am on so many levels, different. And it's a beautiful thing at times. When I am in a lighter mood, I dream...that I may be gifted. That because I can't see my future in front of me, I'm going to end up doing something great. The pressure of being unsure will force me to new heights I never thought possible...and my strikingly dynamic creativity will take flight. But I can't see past this current dark horizon. I just walked into the door of my past and felt fulfilled once more...so therefore I am clinging to something that is most certainly real. At the same time...it isn't my life anymore. Now that I'm back to reality...my passion for the past is even greater...and I realize that it's growing more distant as I continue to hopelessly dwell on it.

Are you my angel that will save me? The one who will consummate all my desires of social interaction, love, and intelligence? Or are you the distinct symbol of why I suffer? I can't let you go, but is that right? Is it destiny then? I do confess...with my recent academic and intellectual achievements...I have put my mind & body before my spirit. I speak of how I understand life now, and the truth is; I understand it less now than I did before. At least then I knew what my heart was yearning for. The opposite of hate & love are not each other; but indifference. I have a heart, but it has gone unused and thus; is now playing second fiddle to my mind. What a phenomenon it is...to be in love with two people. All the more spectacular...is that only one of them accepts and comprehends that such an expression does exist and it isn't an anomaly. Of course, the positions and perspective are obviously different. How can you see someone so little...and yet feel so connected to them? Foolish words, I suppose. As once the connection is established, it can never be destroyed. And as the transmission breaks up over the evolving distance between two people, what is said and heard becomes more important.

I wonder sometimes, why being with you is so appealing yet so unrealistic. We are great beings with similar qualities that began and end with our hearts and our minds. We must solve this using both, in order to propose the best solution. I'm so afraid I am going to lose you for good very soon. It's so frustrating to have become acquainted with you the time I did. It seems like we deserve a better stage. We deserve to have met each other upon graduating from college...each with our future careers figured out, and with no distractions or cliques...ready to settle down with our lives. Instead we discover our mutual desires in a time of despair...confusion...decision. How can I propose solutions to so many of other people's problems, and you be so damned brilliant, but find that our combined efforts are unable to solve this matter that haunts me most in times of despair. I cry out for somebody real to hold me. I want it to be you...but I don't know how.



I wrote this from the heart after waking up from a nap at 10:30 PM, taking some more cold medicine, and thinking about you constantly. I’m pained to know what happened with you, and I’m further pained to have been with you for that moment, and then face the harsh truth that I can't be with you everyday…not now. Even if we both did some rash moves to set the table, we must accept that now is not the time. But, I do believe…there is a time for us, a place for us, and it might be the greatest experience of all. Do not give up, and neither will I. Pursue your dreams and so will I. But I passionately hope that you will be a part of my future in a great capacity. I…I love you. The words used to frighten me but they are true. If we are frightened of truth, then what good are we? I believe I have had well over 100s of infatuations, and 2 short stint girlfriends and one long stint. I think I have now fallen in love twice, only there is more reality to it this second time and I’m not sure why. Perhaps, maybe…the feeling is stronger because it’s so distant. But do you think…maybe…if we are patient…our time will come? Do we have a time? Does it exist? I yearn to know how you feel, and even if your answers are as uncertain as my questions, it’s nice to know what you are thinking and feeling anyway. I am lonely right now but writing about you is lifting my spirits enough that I may get some sleep tonight. I want to know what you think…what you feel…talk to me about your current battle to put yourself above others…talk to me about the show…about us…anything at all, I want to know, so tell me, and never be afraid to tell me anything, for I want to know. I want to know.