My Final Demon

“Behold my beauty.
See that I am all you’ve wanted
...all you’ve needed.
I can give you all you’ve desired,
and make you all you’ve longed to be”

And indeed it was beautiful,
in its own twisted way.
And it could allow me
to stand next to what I’d always desired,
...for what I’d always hungered...
and showed me a promise
that none before had shown me.
I was transfixed
I was held fast to its side.

Of course it was a lie.

A beautiful serpent it was,
with colors I’d heard of
but had never seen with my own eyes before.
It was so strangely wonderful,
and clearly deadly.
But I’d played this game before.
I’d toyed with the demons before.
I’d lived amongst them,
enjoyed their fun,
and had always walked out clean

This became different.

I picked it up,
and immediately knew
that if I ever set it down
it would bite me.

So it had me.

I felt its weight coiling against me.
I felt it press its cold flesh to mine.
I felt its very cells
begin the slow and deadly work
of slipping silently within me,
blending quietly within me,
imbedding deeply within me,
causing the very cells that define me
to become its cells,
my body to become its body,
its life, to become my life.
It worked to possess me,
to devour me,
and I could not break free

When I had finally stopped fighting,
when I had finally stopped caring,
when I had finally found my small place
in the life and world of this monster,
and I was finally lost
in comfortable agony,
my God took pity on me.
My God sent an angel to me,
...an angel to deliver me...
to give me one more chance
at a life of my own.

And she told me
“You must set it down
and walk away.”

“But it will bite me, it will kill me!”
I cried, “I am afraid and I cannot!”

Then she smiled and said,
“Yes, it will for that is what it does,
but you are stronger than you think,
and you will live.
Just set it down and walk away.”

And I did.

The beast responded with fury.
The monster writhed with violence.
The serpent struck and struck and struck again.
I was in mortal terror and shock.
My pain was stark and blinding.
My life seemed over,
as it tore itself free from my body,
twisting and spinning,
cursing the wounds,
the rips and tears,
the mangled shreds of flesh
hanging from where it had been...
where it had so firmly attached itself to me...
with a venomous hatred I’d never known
...a poisonous tirade...
presenting me to those I loved
as a true monster,
an object of derision and scorn,
a creature, disfigured and marked,
forever to be cast away
and turned away,
shunned by those I had now grown to love.

But still my angel smiled,
as she held my shattered body to her.

“This was your final demon.
So, of course it was your worst.
Would you have expected any less?”

And I tried to understand,
as I beheld my repulsive visage,
and grieved the loss
of this demon and its comfortable agony.

“I set it down and it killed me”
I cried in her arms.
“It tore me and bit me
and ripped my body in its rage,
and handed me over to my failure.
I don’t know if I’ll survive,
as the pain grows stronger by the second.”

Still she smiled.

“This was your final demon.
So, of course it was your worst.
Would you have expected any less?”

And I tried to understand.

The months dragged on
as the pain grew and waned.
Like the tides,
it ebbed and flowed,
with no end in sight,
And still she smiled.

“I’m here for your relief
but I cannot take on your pain.
I am here to love you,
to comfort you,
to help you see the truth.
But your pain is yours alone.
Yours to feel alone.”

And I fought to understand.

But then the pain
began to change.
It became darker,
more malevolent.
I could feel the rage.
I could feel the violence.
I could feel the hatred
of the monster that had savaged me.
I felt its loathing.
I felt its confusion.
I felt its own pain
and felt its torture.
I felt its hatred of itself
and I sought to destroy it.

And my angel ceased to smile.

“This was your final demon.
So, of course it is your worst.
Did you expect it’d be over so soon?”

And I struggled to understand.

“It ripped me to shreds.
It stole my life.
It stole my love.
It stole the respect and stature
I’d worked so hard to attain.
It gave and then it ripped away.
It attacked
and it left me to die!
I am free to hate it!
I am free to seek its destruction!
I am free to bring violence and retribution!”

And now my angel wept.

“It only took back what it had given you.
It only can take what is its own.
It offered you what it had
in exchange for your life
....your soul.
This was your final demon
So, of course it was to be your worst.”

And I was furious.

“Its life became my life!
Its world became my world!
Its very cells became my...!!!”

And I began to understand.

“This was your final demon”
she whispered.
“Of course, it would be your worst.
In that, it is not yet over,
there should be no surprise.
Now come your true test.
Now comes the final trial
that makes this your toughest test of all.
Can you forgive the demon?
Can you love the demon
for this test it blessed you with
and walk away?”

Her gentleness settled like warmth
on my rigid angry frame
as I struggled to accept her words.
And still I struggle today.

Can I ever become as the angels?
Can I ever forgive the beast
for giving me all I ever wanted
with a poisonous twist
that made it impossible for me to accept?
The monster has torn from me
all that it had given me,
all that I had felt
had become my life and myself.
Can I ever forgive?
Will I pass this most terrible of tests?

My angel, she smiles
“This was your final demon.
So, of course it was your worst.
Would you have expected any less?”

So, I wait and struggle
to craft my own deliverance,
to learn of the power and glory
and agony
of God’s only truth of love,
as my angel smiles
....and waits,
and patiently watches me grow.