Yeah, Whaddya Want?!

There are thousands, perhaps even hundreds of thousands, of books out there that instruct everyday people how to deliver outstanding customer service. I'm sick of 'em! How about putting one out there on how most service professionals feel most of the time about their industry? Well, you have found just the book! In this guide, you will learn how to irritate people like the best of them, and have them eating your nametag faster than the rubbery scrambled eggs you just served. The guide's contents and a brief description of each are as follows:
 

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The Customer Is Always Wrong. [page 3]
Don't give in to that unrealistic, more renowned hype. Customers often take their frustrations out on unsuspecting service professionals, due primarily to that other stupid mantra. There are also several priceless gems under the subsection, Bite Me!, on how to effectively talk back to Customers without fear of reprisal from Management.

The Customer Can Wait. [page 17]
Whether it's at the movie theater, at an oil change place, or at a restaurant, there is nothing more infuriating to a Customer than having to wait for service in any form. Take it from the geniuses at the DMV--they know what they're doing. In this section, you will also get invaluable tips on how to effectively ignore Customers while on a personal phone call and other harmless activities.

The Customer Lies. [page 42]
"It was broken when I opened the box." "I was guaranteed a king size bed." "There is a fingernail in my milkshake." Do these lamentations sound familiar? They should. They are just a few of nearly thousands of lies Customers use to get something for free. Learn how to protect yourself from litigation, ridicule, and gullibility with the surefire methods included in this section. Let's not forget that multimillion dollar lawsuit settlement between the Golden Arches and that lady's ridiculous burnt tongue scandal. The coffee is hot, wench! The coffee is hot...

"I Am The Manager." [page 77]
Be your own person. In this section, learn 12 amazing statements to offer a Customer who had just asked to speak with your Superior. Let yourself be the final word. In a subsection called, The Shredder, learn how to effectively destroy all evidence of negative Customer comments about you.

Handling Stiffers. [page 102]
Tipped (as well as non-tipped) service professionals will greatly benefit from this section, which details how to effectively retaliate against Customers who decide to not tip, tip under the standard 15%, or balk at the term service fee.

There's Nothing Like Teamwork. [page 125]
In perhaps the most invaluable section of this book, you will learn how to get your co-workers to help you gang up on a Customer who is being particularly irritating. This includes both verbal and non-verbal strategies.
 

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You may already be blessed with some or all of the traits listed in this guide, and are, therefore, already somewhat armed. However, for the rest of you who are not, or if you need a refresher, it is our hope that you will find this guide helpful and one that you cannot live without as you continue on your journey in the service industry.

For more information, please look elsewhere.