I’ve Figured Out Sara’s Secrets!

After conducting over two thousand hours of research (and spending my parent’s life savings for bribes), I have finally uncovered the hidden truths behind the uncanny success of the Celebrity Chefs, and their respective TV shows, on that epicurean megastudio called The Food Network. And, I’m delighted to share this exposé with you today. I must warn you, though: if you’re a fan of any of these Celebrity Chefs or their shows, or the Food Network in general, you must read on at your own risk, because these truths may not necessarily set you free.

Rachel Ray is actually an android. Nobody can be that talkative; it’s hardwired into her programming. And, haven’t you wondered how she’s able to effortlessly carry an entire grocery store of ingredients with “just one trip?” Robotic arms, I tell you. And, to cook a five course meal in 30 minutes? C’mon, that’s not human. Also, I’ve uncovered that nobody—not even the Food Network execs—can stand this yappy android, so they gave her three other shows that have her traveling all over the world. Very smart indeed.

Giada De Laurentiis has a body double. Notice the close up shots of all the hand actions, such as dough-kneading, soup-stirring, vegetable- Julienning? Not her hands. They’re a Chef body double’s hands. What about the non-close-up shots that show her actually cooking, you ask? Well, obviously the Food Network execs have figured out that she needed to look believable, so she was given this one-hour crash course on how to look believable as a cook. (I believe it’s offered at DeVry.) I have also learned that several past crew members have fainted at the mere sight of her disproportionately sized cranium; some are still undergoing psychological assessments.

Tyler Florence was the original choice for Unwrapped. But, he looked creepy on the screen test, and the Food Network execs feared that their female demographic might sue them for false advertising. So, they put that perpetually cheery Marc Summers on it instead.

Alton Brown was kicked out of MIT. The Food Network execs found him outside the school crying, and felt sorry for him. So, they took him back to the studios and gave him a science show about cooking, just to stop him from twitching.

Ina Garten does not really have that many gay friends. Almost all of the ones she features on Barefoot Contessa are off-off-off Broadway actors and their boyfriends. Notice the fake hugs next time.

Michael Chiarello’s show was originally based in San Diego. But, he wore tie-dye shirts all the time, had a ridiculous goatee, and preached a substance-free lifestyle. It did not please the Food Network execs to have a lispy, non-alcoholic hippie, so they transferred his show to Napa, made him shave, outfitted him in cashmere sweaters, and required him to drink a glass of wine during each show. Peace out, man.

Paula Deen wears a fat suit costume. She actually went on Jenny Craig a year ago, and lost over 200 pounds, bringing her down to an athletic 125. But the Food Network execs knew that her fans would never accept her as a svelte Georgian. So, they make her wear a fat suit costume, and force-feed her six sticks of butter before each show, hoping she’ll gain her weight back. Also, I’ve discovered that she’s originally from The Bronx, not Savannah, Georgia, as she’s always claimed. But, there were already too many Celebrity Chefs with the New England sound. So, the Food Network execs signed her up with an accent coach, and she developed a flawless Southern drawl. Next time, however, listen to how she says, “How y’all doin?” and see if you can’t detect her true past.

The original title for Sandra Lee’s show was “How To Cheat and Get Away With It”. But, the Food Network execs thought that it might be mistaken for a Jerry Springer episode, so they changed it to Semi-Homemade Cooking.

Emeril Lagasse has an overgrown garlic farm, and he can’t get rid of the damn things quickly enough. This is why he always “kicks it up a notch” with garlic. Think about it.

And, lastly, Sara Moulton does not have “secrets,” she actually only has one— make her show as boring and dull as possible and the Food Network will still keep her on because she’s the Executive Chef of Gourmet magazine. And, on most days, they need that credibility.


(Disclaimer: No Celebrity Chefs or Food Network execs were harmed in the development of this story.)