Tale of the Redneck Fishermen

It was a calm and clear August night. The weather was just right, so after I got off work I decided to call my buddies and see if they was up for some fishin.

So I got home and called up my buddy Ben to see what he was a doin’ on such a nice night. I punched his numbers into my cell phone and then called’im up.

"Is this Ben?" I asked when someone picked up on the other end.

"Yep," he said, "who is this?"

"This is Jason," I replied, "it’s a beautiful night, I was thinkin’ about doin’ some fishin’, you wanna go?" Ben paused to think about it, I don’t know what for because it was a perfect night. Nothin could be more important as to miss out on a chance to fish like this one.

"Well, Jace," Ben said, "My mom wants me to go with her in the mornin’ to the mall. And you know her, she likes to git up early and go."

"That ain’t no worry, Ben" I said, "We be back before it gets too late."

"Alright then, I’ll be ready go." So Ben got off the phone and went to get his gear ready. As I was waitin on Ben, I decided we should add another person to go along. I stopped and thunk on it a minute and decided to give my buddy Big Dan a call. He was also up for a good fishin trip no matter how late it was.

Once more a punched some digits into my cell phone and called’im up.

"Dan, this is Jason," I said.

"Hey buddy, what’s goin on."

"Tonight is perfect fishin weather, so Ben and I was a thinkin we’d go. You can come along too if you want."

"Sure buddy."

"Alright, I’ll be right there."

So with Ben and Dan ready to go with me on a fun and excitin night of the unknown, I picked them up and loaded all our gear into my fishin wagon, or for you city folk my pickup truck. Little did we know the near death experience that would come upon us on such a simple and harmless trip.

We arrived down at the lake around eleven, the stars were still brightly shining. The woods hidin the critters surrounded the fishin hoe as the smell of a camp fire filled the air. Over on the other side of the lake we saw group of other fellers there fishin too.

The three of us kinduva watched them there for awhile, fur they was constantly pullin out fish. Almost every five to six seconds at least. Everyone of them was as big as a park bench. Seein as how they was catchin the biggins, we thought we’d better cast off.

I reached into a grocery sack and pulled out a can of chicken livers. Not just any chicken livers mind you, them chicken livers had been sittin out in the hot summer sun fur three days. They was as ripe as a dead possum that had been hit and left to dry on the pavement.

Covering my nose with my shirt, I dipped my hand into the colorless livers and baited my hook up. After carefully choosin the perfect spot, I throwed my poe out there where all the biggins could git her.

The other two followed my lead, and soon we had the bank lined up with our poes. We all thought we was gonna catch somethin for sure. The only thing we could do now was wait for the action to begin.

So next we decided to do what any good fisherman does when they are waitin late at night, we sat up some chairs and built a fire. And soon we was all sittin around the fire tellin stories. Talkin about the president, work, sports, and the important things in life. Havin a good ole time.

After we had been sittin for a goodwhile, Ben said somethin that made me spray mountain dew all down my pant leg. He said "I am glad to be out here fishin, it sure beats sittin on the phone talkin to my girlfriend for two an half hours about nothin, even if we ain’t catchin any fish." Ain’t that the truth, I believe all you fellers out there could agree to this one.

We sat for another while not catchin any fish. Every once and a while we would get a bite which only led to shattered hopes and dreams when the fish got away. About midnight or midnight-thirty, we came up with somethin to keep us busy.

Since we had a nice fire goin and we had some gasoline, lighter fluid, and a secret ingredient, we
was gonna mix them together in an empty pop bottle. So we did, but being the smart feller that I am, I tied a fuse to it so we wouldn’t burn up tryin to light it.

With the top of the bottle embedded in the ground, I dropped the gasoline covered fuse into the fire, but it didn’t want to light. Apparently it had been made of fire retar....retar....fire proof material. So bein the wise guy that I am, I took the can of gasoline and poured a trail from the bottle to the fire. That done the trick, fur the bottle blowed up and shot of some purtty colors, but other than that it was no good.

Since we was good scientists, we decided to try it again. Only this time we doubled the amount of liquids. I wasn’t so smart this time ‘cause I gave the gas can to Dan, who isn’t exactly the shiniest tool in the shed.

Dan poured the trail from the bottle to the fire, but when he got to the fire he stopped too long. The flames shot up the pourin gas and consumed the can. In shock, Dan stood there with a skurred look on his face. Me and Ben looked at each other tryin to figure out what to do.

"Put the can down," we hollered at Dan, while flames was dancin all over his arm. Comin to his senses, Dan put her down. Next, we had to figure out how to put the fire out. I looked about, but couldn’t find anythin. Water was of no use because of the secret ingredient.

Lookin around, the only thing I could find was a bottle of mountain dew. I grabbed it and ran to the flaming can, prayin it didn’t blow up in my face. Bravin the danger, I poured the blessed drink on the blaze. Glory be to God, it put the fire out.

We looked at the can and Dan’s hand, neither of them had any burn marks on’em. That is when we realized somebody upstairs liked us and that mountain dew was a drink crafted by the hand of the Almighty.

So with enough excitement for one night and Dan thankin his lucky britches for being alive, we done went on home wondering what the next trip would bring.