Having Slits for Eyes

From driving jokes to height-restrictions to Margaret Cho, there is a long list of reasons why it is sometimes tough to be Asian in America. However, just as there are downsides to being mistaken for jaundiced, there are a multitude of reasons why any Asian should be proud of being. As someone who's also very proud of having slits for eyes, I've decided to list just a few of those reasons on this page that I hope can help any Asian (and non-Asians alike) to understand the benefits of being reared from the Far East.

You instinctively know where the best Chinese restaurants in town are. And, somehow, your friends and total strangers are keen on this. Of course, it is rather irksome at times to be expected to possess this uncanny ability. (Anyone remember that Seinfeld episode?) But, whether it's pho or phad thai or unagi or kung pao, knowing exactly how to pronounce the items on the menu--while your non-Asian companions may be heard saying something like, "I'll have the number 25, please"--more than makes up for this often unrealistic expectation.

You know kung fu. It doesn't even matter if you don't, as long as the other person (preferably non-Asian) doesn't know the truth. Just go about your business and intermittently flail your num-chucks in the air, yelling "Hai!" or some other gibberish phrase that could very easily be translated into English to mean, "Don't mess with me!" Oh, and if you happen to own one of those intimidating Japanese flag bandannas, wear it.

"I speak-ah no Eng-grish" comes in very handy. Pretending to be deaf or mute or deaf-mute is passé. During especially full flights from Boston to Seattle, you can avoid being polite to talkative traveling salespeople by using this excuse. Extra points if you can flawlessly combine saying the phrase with a sheepish bobbing of the head while half-covering your apologetic smile with a cupped hand.

You are in every major clothing line advertising campaign. Whether it's for The Gap, Tommy Hilfiger, Old Navy, or any of the other big guns in popular apparel, there is always an Asian in the commerical, albeit token in nature. But you still may find it degrading to be depicted with a camera dangling from your neck.

You are able to tell where other Asians are from, amazing your ultimately clueless non-Asian companions in the process. Regardless of the methodology--whether it's keying in on the accent or the name structure or distinct facial features or the simple pleasure of bullshitting your friends--you can always distinguish a Korean from a Taiwanese, for example. Unless, of course, if the Asian-looking person is from Hawaii, in which case, you're totally screwed because they all call themselves Hawaiian and speak Portuguese.

You can listen to country music and it's considered cool. Who doesn't find watching an Asian kickin' it at a Mavericks concert amusing? It does diminish your anonymity once you begin to throw chopsticks onto the stage to spite the performer, while everyone else is hurtling tomatoes.

You instantly, subconsciously count the number of other Asians in any non-traditionally Asian gathering. And you do a great job of avoiding contact with or being situated nearby the other Asians in the room for fear of losing your uniqueness.

You could easily lose yourself at a family gathering. Especially when running from the law. Gosh, we all sort of look alike, don't we?