My Everything

Heart beating, time stopped. Eternity really exists. I saw it around me, the clichéd wonder of the universe, how big it really was, how small I am. Life answers reveled in the shape of a large puncture wound.

It was ironic for sure, to search for an answer for so long, only to be given it when it was worthless. I would trade back if I could. I would do anything. Make a bargain with the devil. Everything is so worthless now, and my soul is no exception. A broken soul is unfixable, it worsens with time. If only you were here. I know you could mend it.

I tried to cope, really I did, but it was like coping with your head cut off, it was running around blindly. Everything seems opaque, confusing, and murky. Wasn’t things supposed to make sense? There had to be some sort of law for that. Something; anything. Well, that or the universe is the most unfair hypocritical piece of shit imaginable.

If this is destiny, then life has to be pointless, just temporary and spiteful. At one point, I would have argued this. But I would have been wrong. Love is nothing but hormones, it has to be. You are gone, gone from me forever. And if love really exits, then I will never get over you.

But blind people still see the truth, no matter how they would deny it. They can not ignore it forever. And neither can I, though I may try. But don’t you see, I’m so alone, so broken. Love has knocked me backwards. And with you is stability; possibility.

That which we used to spite, to ignore, has become my refuge. God, church, family, heterosexuality and a 9 to 5 job. I’m not brave enough to fight the system without you. I’m not brave enough to exist at all. You must understand. Please understand. It’s easier to hide in a mask then face it all. Masks are safer.

You have no right to be disappointed anyway. None at all. You’re the one that died, not me. You’re the one that left me. How could you Sara?!?! How dare you? Tell me! You took it all from me. You should have fought the darkness; you should have fought for me. Was I not enough? And now I can’t even stay mad at you. You didn’t ask the physco to kill you. You didn’t ask to leave.

So whose fault is it then Sara? The universe? It doesn’t care, so why should I waste what emotion of mine is left? Who should I blame?

I want you so bad. I need you with every painful sobbing gasp and every tired movement. I need you to mend me. I need you to kiss the pain away. I can’t live this life without you.

There is only one thing I can do. I know you wouldn’t want it, but I will be with you soon my love. Breathing in your scent. Snuggling close to you and never letting go. Don’t be angry with me, I just can’t take it. I need your balance, I need your love. Its been so long, and I’ve tried. But as the first year approaches, nothing has changed and I’m so tired from the effort of pretending. Nothing will go my way if I don’t do it myself. With my own hand. Forgive me, my everything.