Veni. Vedi. Visa.

Veni. Vedi. Visa. (I came. I saw. I had the Caesar salad)

A report was received recently in our newsroom about a schoolgirl who exposed a local museum for displaying, as an ancient Roman coin, a plastic token distributed by a Soft Drinks manufacturer. Our editor’s capacious ears pricked up at the item and when rumours circulated about other artefacts in the museum’s collection those selfsame ‘errant wings’ semaphored to Yours Truly that an investigation was warranted.

Pausing only to re-cork my lunch and carefully file the editor’s latest memo - about fabricated expenses - in the wastepaper basket, I headed out to meet Cal Igua, the owner/proprietor of the Ye Olde Roman Fort Museum & Glad-i-ate-‘ere Burger Bar.

A transcript of our interview follows.

YT: Perhaps you could start by giving me some information about your establishment?

CI: Certainly. Since your last visit all staff have received rigorous training in Kitchen Hygiene and ‘No Spitting’ notices are now displayed prominently around the -

YT: Sorry to interrupt, but it’s the museum side of the business I really want to report on. And I’ve never been here before.

CI The museum? You’ve never been here before? Aren’t you the Health Inspector?

YT: No. I’m a reporter.

CI: Jeez, well you’re the spitting image of the Council busybody who - not that anyone was spitting in the kitchen, mind you. It was a one-off. And anyway that’s all been sorted out now.

YT: I’m here to do a follow up story on the plastic ‘Roman coin’.

CI: Not that bloody kid again! Look, it was a one-off. We have a rigorous vetting procedure for our artefacts. We have an Authentication Department with staff world-renowned in the field. The problem was that when that damn coin was handed in our Authentication Department had a toothache and a dental appointment and didn’t get a chance to examine the find properly. Betty is a martyr to toothache.

YT: I take it you’re referring to your wife, Betty? Is she ‘world-renowned in the field’?

CI: Absolutely. In Rome, in 1990, Betty streaked onto the field in a successful attempt to distract Garibaldi who was taking a penalty during the Italy-England World Cup match. She received fan mail from all over the world after that match. Including even Italy.

Anyhow, the question you should be asking is why a school kid was in my museum creating mischief at 10:30am on a Tuesday when she should have been in school.

YT: I believe she was on a school trip to the museum.

CI: Exactly! My point exactly! When they should be in the classroom learning to speak Algebra or French or whatever, their so-called teachers have them gallivanting around the countryside haranguing entrepreneurial businessmen like myself, the backbone of this nation. Is it any wonder half the kids leaving school can’t read properly?

YT. Clearly, though, that girl was able to read the label on the coin exhibit.

CI Yes, well, she’s probably the exception that proves the rule. And another thing about these teachers - they roll up here on one of the few days in the year they aren’t on Annual or Maternity Leave with a class of around thirty kids. Right? And then they think buying a couple of cans of Coliseum Cola entitles the whole bunch to take over my picnic area to eat their packed lunches. How am I expected to make a living? How am I expected to afford the extortionate taxes and rates that pay those teachers’ salaries and index-linked pensions? Tell me that?

And another thing, it’s not just the money. What really bothers me is the lost educational opportunity for the kids. Betty has spent a lot of time researching the spices and seasonings used by those old Romans. Got a book out of the library and everything. Just look at this menu:


Ben-Hur Brunch
Our tribute to the noblest Roman of them all, Charlton Heston

Nero flame-grilled burger
Feast like an Emperor at mad prices that will be music to your ears

Incatatus All-U-Can-Eat
When you feel you could eat a horse!

Romulus and Remos Kiddie’s Meal
They’ll wolf it down!




Let me tell you all of those meals have the authentic Roman spices. Let me tell you what those teachers are doing - those teachers are depriving the kids of an authentic Roman experience. That’s what they’re doing and that’s what’s really sad.

YT: Can we come back to the museum exhibits? Someone, actually I believe it was a schoolteacher, complained that in the ‘Ancient Roman Mosaics’ section, several tiles had stickers with ‘Discount Tile Market - Your first choice for seconds’ and a barcode. Did Betty authenticate those items?

CI: That was a misunderstanding. A one-off. The gent’s toilet was retiled recently and spare tiles somehow must have got mixed up with the exhibits. It’s the sort of thing that can happen to anyone.

But isn’t it a pity that schoolteacher didn’t bring it to my attention rather than run off to newspapers? I would have welcomed the opportunity thank her personally – I take it, it was a female? Yes? Surprise, surprise! Well, I would have liked to thank her for taking time out from supervising her class properly to spot this, she being no doubt heavily pregnant at the time too.

YT: There has also been a complaint about the ‘historically faithful replicas’ in the Roman Dress section. All of the togas have labels stating ‘50 % Polyester/ 60 degrees wash/ do not tumble dry’. Historically faithful? Surely you are being economical with the truth?

CI: Not at all. The 50 % polyester refers to the label itself. Not the garment. Excuse me, I have an urgent phone call to make.



Leaving Ye Olde Roman Fort Museum & Glad-i-ate-‘ere Burger Bar Yours Truly had mixed emotions.

Clearly there is a touch more Barnum & Bailey about this museum’s exhibits than the average visitor would expect. Is that necessarily wrong? If it warns us that the ‘official’ version of events may not be the whole story, is that bad?

Equally clearly, Cal has had a bad experience with a female schoolteacher, either as a child or perhaps as a vulnerable adolescent ( and c’mon lads, can’t we all relate to that?).

Listening to Cal reminded me of Caesar’s crie de coir in the film Carry on, Cleo
“Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got in for me!”

However, my meal in the Glad-i-ate-‘ere Burger Bar proved to be surprisingly tasty and I award the laurel leaves to Betty’s spices.

The overall result of my investigations is that Ye Olde Roman Fort Museum & Glad-i-ate-‘ere Burger Bar is, like football, a tale of two halves.

My verdict?

Ye Olde Roman Fort Museum

Glad-i-ate-‘ere Burger Bar