Confession

Confession

I was lying in my room one night thinking about whatever it is that a seventeen year old boy thinks about. Late in the night, when I, like many others, do my best thinking, I thought about everything that is my being. Everything that I have done in my life, good and bad, the memories that define who I am, popped into my head one after another. A mental timeline fragmentized in my mind, and along it I went through my memories starting from about sixth grade up until now evaluating my level of mood for each event. After going through this whimsical timeline I sat back and held everything that I am and was, and all that defines me as a human in my mind. I feel the need to get all this off my chest, and not being catholic, or really believing in God at all, I cannot really go and confess. I cannot tell any of my friends either because there are secrets that you keep even from the closest of friends. So I have decided to write it down here, in this word document. Consider this my confession, if you wish.
My entire life after puberty has been centered around women. I know you must be thinking to yourself that this happens to every boy once he hits puberty, but I never lusted after women. I felt that I needed a woman as a girlfriend to make myself happy, so that I could go on in life. This turned out to be a problem because in sixth grade I started to develop acne which then brought on the comments from other students, and of course no girls wanted to be with me. The acne has since vanished, but the scars of what was said still remain. Allow me to insert a bit of my own knowledge here; no matter what they say to you, everyone cares what other people think. Some may care more than others, but everyone cares, and what is said to a person will have an effect on them, sometimes a lasting one. This brought on a vision of myself as unattractive, which is still with me today, I do not find myself attractive and any time a girl will tell me that I am, I merely dismiss it as them trying to make me feel better.
Through sixth and seventh grade I was terribly depressed although I never let anyone see it. In eighth grade I got the eye of another who had been beaten down like I had, ridiculed and made fun of, and she took a liking to me for this, and I returned the favor. She was not unattractive like I find myself to be, but others felt she was annoying and loud. We rushed into things very quickly, by the second week we were telling each other that we loved one another. After about three months of this, I realized that I was into something I was not ready for, and broke it off, rather messily. Six months later we got back together and dove directly back in to what we had before, both of us had changed, but we could not stop ourselves from the “love” we shared. We started to express this “love” sexually and I lost my virginity the summer after eighth grade. We entered into high school still dating but soon into ninth grade things started to crumble. She realized she did not love me and broke it off. I, however, did not realized that I felt no love for her until tenth grade. Half way through tenth grade I found another girl that I felt I “loved” but she was taken. She promised me things that she could not give me and after a long while we stopped talking. I was crushed by this event, slamming myself down into a depression that lasted through the rest of sophomore year.
That summer I decided to treat my depression with alcohol and a few drugs, only marijuana and only a few times. I went through summer constantly searching for ways to get drunk and high. (At the time it was difficult to gain access to alcohol and drugs being as young as I was.) Every time I got drunk or high I felt like nothing could touch me, and every time I came down from those sensations I felt more depressed than ever.
Junior year started and I was faced with more girls at school, I discovered that anyone, even someone as unattractive as me could get sex if they looked in the right place. I dived into a relationship with a girl purely for the sex. I had feelings for her but I never shared them with her, afraid that it would scare her off. Not long after all of this started I hit a wall. I finally grew up and realized that it was not sex I wanted, but love or at least something meaningful. The girl I had been interested in sophomore year came back into my life and we hit it off. I truly loved her, and she really loved me. For three months I was happier than I had ever been. Then things grew stagnant, I got scared of what it could mean for us and what would happen later. I fell back into my sexual ways, always thinking that was what I wanted, but never asking my girlfriend for it. I cheated on her by kissing another girl three months into our relationship. This girl was said to be very easy by many people and I felt like I could get what I “needed” from her. We never had the chance as what I thought was love crept in and scared her off. I realized later that this feeling was mere infatuation, and that I would have liked to believe that I loved her to rationalize things. After we broke it off I feebly attempted to get back with my ex, feeling the love I had for her build up and awaken again, this was to no avail.
Now that I have given an overview of the events I need to take a look at my being. Many times I have tried to sit and think about who I am and why I do what I do. At one point I thought I was very selfish, and that everything I had ever done was intended to better my life in some way, even if I did do it for another person it was only because I needed or wanted that person’s approval. This however is not the case. What I am is a self deprecating and confused little boy. I need a girl in my life that I can care for to bring balance to myself, everything else is easy and thus is a byproduct. I love my family and I have their love, I love my friends and they return the favor, but in loving them and having their love unconditionally it is not a concern to me because I know that will always be there, so I search for the thing that is not always there. This is not always the case, but most of the time when I have a girlfriend that I truly care about I am happy, when I do not I am depressed. I find it sad that this is what I am reduced to, and I wish it were not this way. I always tell people that I do not believe in God, but sometimes, late at night when I cannot sleep because a girl is racking my dreams or my nightmares, I pray. I pray to God or anyone who is listening to please just take the pain away, and let me get over her, or please let me have her because I care for her so much. I do this knowing, not even in the back of my mind, but right there in the front, chanting as I pray, that this is not what He does, even if He does exist. I know that you cannot just ask God for something you want and have it magically appear before you, especially if you half believe. The truth is I do it because I would do anything to either get these feelings for a girl away or get the girl to feel the same.
I can sum up what I am shortly. I am a tired, beaten down boy who needs a girl to be in his life to have any chance of being happy. I believe myself to be a sad sight to the eyes. At this point in time I have strong feelings for a girl I would do anything to have, and it is nothing new. I have a very pessimistic attitude toward girls and I frankly do not trust them because of everything that has happened. Every time things start to look up they come crashing down on top of me. I do not know where to turn and my depressed state has allowed me to write all this down in hopes that somehow I will feel better. I may lie to many people to keep up the façade that I am happy, but I long since been able to at least be honest with myself. There is more, of course, to what I am and what I have done in my life, good or bad. This has covered my feelings and insights for the moment. This is my confession.